Who am I?

So the topic at the weekly Weight Watchers meeting was all about identity. How do we identify ourselves? And how SHOULD we identify ourselves?
The message was, we need to stop identifying ourselves as the "fat me". If we can't ever overcome that identity, we will have a much harder time getting this weight loss thing to stick.
So who am I?
I admit it, today I am "the fat girl". I fully understand the point of the meeting, but for today I am that fat girl who has been fat as long as she can remember. The girl who knows that when she gets attention and heads turning when she walks in the room, it isnt because she's so damn hot. The girl who always has her defenses up because of the constant judgment she feels just walking down the hall. The girl who, when she gets even the slightest dirty look, will respond with a look that says "bring it on, I'll roll your ass in the parking lot" and means it. I'm not the jolly fat girl then, I'm the mean girl.
Today I am the fat girl. But the fat girl who, for three months, has been making fit and healthy choices that just aren't obvious to the rest of the world. The fat girl who doesn't like to exercise but does it anyway. The girl who is determined.
A determined fat girl.

It's just a number...

Okay, so I had my little pity party last weekend. Oh, it was a party without refreshments, but it was a pity party.
I actually was just about to get into my car to go get Sonic or something. I didn't want to give up on this. I just figured with all the posts I read on the message board over at Weight Watchers about the people who use all their points for fast food and still lose, maybe that's what I need to do. I was convinced my body needed a little shock.
Then somebody called bullshit on me. Nicely of course, but that's what it amounted to. And I'm glad. Having crappy fast food is not what my body needed. It didnt need it then, it doesnt need it now, and it didnt need it all those years I lived off it. OBVIOUSLY it didn't need it then!
If I do everything I'm supposed to do and the weight doesnt drop off as fast as I'd like, there is not a lot more I can do (although I'll get to that in a minute). If I go eat fast food thinking that will help, what have I proved? Even if I DO manage to lose weight, it's not healthy. And if I get into doing that every week thinking that's the ticket, you know that will probably backfire eventually.
So whatever. The scale is just giving me a number. That's all it is. I'm just sick of the feeling that even though I'm following the Weight Watchers rules I'm doing something wrong if the number doesnt go down.
But, there is one thing I'm trying differently this week. It's a brown rice free week. Actually any rice. But all I eat now is brown rice. (The fact that I eat brown rice now exclusively is a post for another day.) I was eating a lot of it, too. I was still within my target points range (under it most of the time) and getting all the good health guidelines in, but I had a lot of rice. Nice, starchy rice. Maybe, just possibly, all that starch is not helping. So I'm trying a week of no rice. It may have nothing to do with it, but maybe it does.
Whatever. It's just a number.

WHAT am I doing wrong???

I'm typing in red today because frankly, I'm starting to get mad. I do not understand what I am doing wrong, I really don't.
I'm following the Weight Watchers Flex program. I am getting pretty good at eating most of my points everyday, though I do not always hit it. They encourage the "good health guidelines" so we don't use our points for junk. I am hitting those every day. I have cut out the majority of processed foods. I am exercising. And I feel like I'm barely losing weight. This week I lost the .8 that I put on last week during that 'time of the month'. So in two weeks I've lost nothing. In 12 weeks I've lost 18. I guess I should be totally happy with that, but I'm not. It seems like everybody else in my starting weight range is dropping the weight like lead filled ballons. What am I doing or not doing?
I keep telling myself that if I'm eating healthy and exercising, that should be all I concern myself with, because the only other option I can think of is not eating healthy and not exercising. Well it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that is the answer, either.
So I don't know what is.
Please.
Send.
Help.

Changing the tune in my head...

I really need to work on changing the tune in my head. This may be a weight loss program, but it's really about making healthier choices. And I need to do that for the rest of my life. I am still too focused on the weekly results. In the core of my soul I want it now and I want it fast. I'm willing to do this for the rest of my life, but I just really want to see more results. At the scale. I would hope I have tangible results in my cholesterol levels and blood sugars. And that's great. But I cant see that, and neither can anybody else. I need validation. There it is, I need validation. I feel somewhat betrayed by the results at the scale for how diligent I've been, if you want the complete truth. I read about people who are following the same program I am, but spend their points on fast food somewhat consistently. And they seem to be losing faster than I am. I hate that. I HATE THAT. The three or so times I've dared go near fast food in the last 11 weeks I have had my little Weight Watchers Dining Out Guide with me and got the 'healthy' choice. I am eating healthier more consistently than I ever have in my life and I feel like the weight is not moving as much as it should.
Okay, so I have to change that tune, and I know this. I have to keep reminding myself that this is just a new lifestyle now. And I am succeeding with it. Period. But that is not coming easy.

Just Do It.....

Isn't that one of the best ad slogans out there? I have to use it on myself a lot. Normally I dont exercise on Wednesdays, but yesterday I was so full of muscle relaxers it wasn't a good idea to workout. So I told myself I'd do it today. Then I got home and started to rationalize why I didnt really need to do it today, I can just pick up again tomorrow.
And then it started running through my head..."Just do it...Just do it". That went through enough times that I started to think about all the things I wanted that I would never get or accomplish by sitting on my duff making excuses.
So I just did it.

One day at a time. Just do it. One day at a time.

The Blahs

The last few days I have had to force myself to plan ahead for my meals and actually eat them. It's not that I wanted to eat something "bad", I just didnt want to eat at all. That is one of my many bad habits. I can go all day without eating and not be hungry. Then I'd start grazing. And trust me, I dont graze on grass or baby carrots or broccoli. No, grazing is best done with crackers. Maybe a little cheese. Toast. That's a good one. With lots of butter.

I'm trying really hard not to eat much processed food, even if its healthy processed food. But I do have a supply of easy things that take no effort and little thought, like frozen Weight Watchers dinners or tuna filets in pouches. And frozen vegetables.

The past few days my only dieting sin has been not feeling the 'umph' factor I have since I started. But I am applauding myself because despite that, despite my being tired or stressed or in serious pain, all of which I have been in the last three days, I have stayed with it and not gone back to the bad habits. For those fleeting moments when the little voice in my head tells me I can't do this, I just think of the alternative. And that is a scary thing. I don't want to know how much more fat I can squeeze onto this frame.

Such a pretty face...

Okay, raise your hand if you are sick of hearing this? Or sick of hearing it said to other people.

Most people have a filter between their brain and their mouth and have it engaged most of the time. Except, it seems, when it comes to feeling the need to say things to overweight people. I suppose we should just be happy they think we have a pretty face?? Never mind that, no matter their intention, the end result of their diatribe is that we are intensely humiliated. Why is it acceptable, in people's minds, to say these things and assume we were just waiting to here from a total stranger their opinion on what we should do with ourselves to go out and drop the weight? Are people REALLY that dumb?
No, this was not said to me. (I must have an ugly face so it doesnt matter! JOKE!) I read about it happening to somebody on a message board. SOmebody who was already having a bad day. Because of the scale. The lying scale. And some yahoo decides to flap her gums at the girl. Okay, and what's even worse, this encounter took place AT THE GYM. Um, so you see a heavy person at the gym and decide YOU need to tell THEM how they need to work on their body. Gee, Einstein, what did you think she was there for? A hot fudge sundae?

Would these people dare walk up to somebody with a physical disability and suggest how they might fix themselves? Would they dare walk up to a paranoid schizophrenic and suggest they just get over it? I don't think so. But people seem to think it's okay to just let these things fly out of their mouths to overweight people.

So, if anybody happens to read this who might just happen to be one of those people who don't engage the filter, here's a newsflash for you: IT DOESN'T HELP US WHEN YOU SAY CRAP LIKE THAT. If I dont come to you and specifically ask for your support in my weight loss journey, don't feel obligated to give it to me. There's probably a reason you weren't asked in the first place.

What if I don't lose this week!!??

Its basically one more day until the weekly faceoff with the scale. I know in my head that the scale lies and it isn't what's most important, but my heart is still focused on showing a loss every week. Well, focused on it the day before weigh in. After its done and for the rest of the week, whether it was up or down, I don't let it dictate the choices I make. Because the scale can be your best friend or your worst enemy with no rational explanation as for which you might get.
This week I'm especially freaked out. By Weight Watchers standards, I totally stayed on program. I accounted for everything that went into my mouth. Even the super giant cheeseburger from Fuddruckers. But even with the super giant cheeseburger, I was on plan, I did not go over my weekly points, so I shouldn't be worried. But I am. This is the first time in the ten weeks I have really indulged for one meal. That's real life, though, right? There will be times of splurging. I got right back to business the next meal, so whatever the scale says, that IS the true victory.
But I'm paying for my weight to be watched. That's how they decide if I did good or bad. Even though the Weight Watchers leader keeps reminding us the scale lies, that is how we're rewarded. Lifetime membership isn't awarded for reduction in your BMI or how many inches you lost, it's on weight. So for the one hour each week I go to my Weight Watchers meeting, it really matters.
And I get nervous.

How did I get so fat???

How did I get so fat?
I love to eat.
I hate to exercise.

Thanks for stopping by.

Okay but seriously...you often hear people wondering 'how could he/she let himself/herself get so fat'? Well it's really not that hard. And it really does, at it's most simplistic, boil down to two things. Too much food and not enough exercise. Yes, there are psychological factors that go into it as well. For those of us who have a lot, like 100 or more pounds to lose, I really believe you need to find out not what is making you fat, but what is keeping you fat. We all know how to get rid of the excess weight, but we have we not done it for so long? Or done it long enough? Or kept doing it once we lost the weight?
I think it's those psychological factors we have to explore and really get somewhat figured out in order to have lasting success at this. I'm not talking about it's your mother's fault for how she made you clean your plate or your grandmother for making you take seconds and thirds or even McDonald's for having such tantalizing but fat-laden food. We all have to take responsibility for ourselves eventually. So while my mother's attitude about food definitely influenced MY attitudes about food, it's not my mother's fault that I got this fat. It's all the result of MY choices.
So why did I chose this? And yes, I DID chose this. But I'm not chosing this anymore.
I struggle with self esteem issues. Always have. I built this wall of fat to keep people out. If they get too close, they might just realize I'm a lousy person. If I keep that at arms distance I might be able to fool them.
I'm finally starting to see through my own bullshit. Whether Im as big as a house or as skinny as Nicole Richie, people may still think I suck. And then there may be people who think I don't.
But what really matters is what I think of myself. And today, anyway, I don't suck.

My Ass is Shrinking

My ass is shrinking. Finally. It's been expanding for far too long.
So I decided to do something about it and join Weight Watchers. Actually, to RE join Weight Watchers. I just started my tenth week and decided, this time, I was going to write about a lot of the things that go through my head with this dieting/weight loss journey.

So here's me. I'm not going to tell you my weight, but I have a lot to lose. A LOT. I'm not focusing on the starting number or even the ending number. That is all way too overwhelming. I did that before. I actually lost 100 pounds exactly with Weight Watchers a number of years ago, and that time around I was VERY focused on the numbers. Actually was addicted to weighing myself. This time around I don't even have a scale at home and have no plans to get one. Weighing in once a week is plenty, thank you.

No, this time my focus is just to make good choices with my eating and exercising, and letting the number take care of itself. Having said that, I will completely fess up to the fact that I wish I could lose more pounds every week, and that if I gain it freaks me out. But I'm trying to get over that because, unfortunately, I've learned that I can gain quite a bit when I followed the program 110%. So screw the numbers. I cant judge my success by that alone, it doesn't tell the whole story.

So you may have noticed I said I lost 100 pounds on WW before. Yep, and then put it all back plus a little more. Depression is a wicked thing, and to be honest, it took over my life and I stopped caring about pretty much everything. But that's all under control and I've made big changes in my life. The time just felt right again to tackle the Ever Expanding Ass once and for all.

So after ten weeks I'm down 19 pounds and at last measure, six inches from my waist. I've lost a taste for the garbage I used to subsist on, and I'm gaining pride in myself again. Oh, if you saw me on the street you'd think there was no reason anybody who looked like me should have any pride. But that's cool. I never cared what anybody thought and I still don't. I know how I'm doing, and I know people are out there to judge me. They often don't make any attempts to hide it. But I can lose the weight, they will never gain class.

So stay tuned to hear the continuing saga of The Incredible Shrinking Ass!