So today was the second day in a week I've cried. At the gym of all places. (I am turning into a big baby!)
So I had a session with my trainer today. Mari, the rock star. So first thing she says is "I have to tell you something. Lets go in my office". I knew it right then. She was leaving. Well she's not leaving entirely, but she's not going to be doing any training, at least for awhile. Somehow in that moment my brain went numb and I forgot to breathe. Okay I didnt start bawling like I did last Saturday at her, but I did tear up. Two or three times. Why? Well for one thing Im sad, I really like her. She's never made me feel like less of a person or not worth her time as a trainer because of my weight.
But a sense of panic went through me. Can I do this on my own? And if I can't, then what do I do? The thought of using one of the other trainers scares me. There are a couple who I feel like they look down their noses at me. Maybe they don't, but I feel like they do. I don't want to feel like somebody thinks Im wasting their time, paid or not. I do the best I can. I work hard (and yes sometimes I gripe about it!) I want to be pushed, but I don't want to be bullied. (If I had a trainer like the two on The Biggest Loser, especially that girl, there would be a throwdown in the gym parking lot. ) What if I start with a new trainer and I can't keep up with what they want me to do? WHAT IF THEY WANT ME TO DO ABS ON THE FLOOR!!!
If I try to do it on my own, will I still make progress? I admittedly do not push myself as hard on days I workout by myself than Mari pushes me. (I don't slack off, but I stay in what I'd describe as a safe mode.) I've got about two more months with Mari. Maybe I need to step it up on my own workouts and see.
So I've thought to myself for awhile now that its been too easy to lose 92 pounds. I haven't faced down a big challenge yet. I guess this will be my first.
And I just have to keep reminding myself, for every excuse I give myself, there is at least one solution.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
What's wrong with your face?
Yes, it's a two-fer day on my blog. Yeehaw.
So I've been noticing a lot lately that not many people smile. Im not sure why I noticed this now, I did grow up in Southern California, not much smiling there. Too much Botox. But I digress.
No seriously, at work, people walk around like the joy has been sucked dry from their bodies. It's sad. I smile at people at get nothing. I feel like I work with the Borg. Well good luck trying to assimilate me. It was walking around my office observing the gloom and doom patrol that I came up with the phrase "Don't let the frown on another's face be reason to remove the smile from your own." Damn I'm brilliant. (Hey look at that, I just amazed myself! HA!)
But seriously, Im not going to stop smiling if I feel like smiling. Even if I get the blank stare in return. I'm going to keep smiling.
At the gym I've been noticing the grumpy frumps, too. So much for endorphins being released from exercise.
I have to wonder if people really are as miserable as they appear to be. I hope not. If you are, why? You may have issues and challenges and really crappy things going on in your life, but don't let it suck out all your joy. Even in what seems to be the worst of circumstances there is SOMETHING to be happy about. (Trust me, things could be worse.)
I think some people are truly happy being miserable. If I ever get that way, please just kill me.
My friend shared a quote with me the other day (though I have no idea to whom it's attibuted) "nobody cares if your miserable so you might as well be happy". Well, I do care when people are miserable, but not when all the seem to want to do is find reasons to be unhappy. But seriously, don't we all sometimes get so wrapped up in whatever is troubling us, and really, to the casual observer, it seems like really just a bunch of crap that such things make us miserable?
I don't know where Im going with this, other than to say
SMILE, DAMMIT! It's not going to kill you.
So I've been noticing a lot lately that not many people smile. Im not sure why I noticed this now, I did grow up in Southern California, not much smiling there. Too much Botox. But I digress.
No seriously, at work, people walk around like the joy has been sucked dry from their bodies. It's sad. I smile at people at get nothing. I feel like I work with the Borg. Well good luck trying to assimilate me. It was walking around my office observing the gloom and doom patrol that I came up with the phrase "Don't let the frown on another's face be reason to remove the smile from your own." Damn I'm brilliant. (Hey look at that, I just amazed myself! HA!)
But seriously, Im not going to stop smiling if I feel like smiling. Even if I get the blank stare in return. I'm going to keep smiling.
At the gym I've been noticing the grumpy frumps, too. So much for endorphins being released from exercise.
I have to wonder if people really are as miserable as they appear to be. I hope not. If you are, why? You may have issues and challenges and really crappy things going on in your life, but don't let it suck out all your joy. Even in what seems to be the worst of circumstances there is SOMETHING to be happy about. (Trust me, things could be worse.)
I think some people are truly happy being miserable. If I ever get that way, please just kill me.
My friend shared a quote with me the other day (though I have no idea to whom it's attibuted) "nobody cares if your miserable so you might as well be happy". Well, I do care when people are miserable, but not when all the seem to want to do is find reasons to be unhappy. But seriously, don't we all sometimes get so wrapped up in whatever is troubling us, and really, to the casual observer, it seems like really just a bunch of crap that such things make us miserable?
I don't know where Im going with this, other than to say
SMILE, DAMMIT! It's not going to kill you.
Do I amaze myself?
I just read a little book called "I Amaze Myself". It got me to thinking, do I ever amaze myself?
I mean, besides the times I amaze myself that I can actually walk and chew gum without falling on my face? Because I am amazed that I can do that. Graceful, I am not.
But seriously, I keep asking myself the question 'do I amaze myself?"
If I can be totally honest, the answer is no. At least I really don't think so.
Am I pretty damn proud of what I've accomplished thus far on my quest to become fit and healthy? AbsoDAMNlutely! But I don't consider what I've done all that amazing. It just is what it is, ya know? I mean, how amazing is it to just eat reasonably and exercise? People do that every day.
Does this mean I do not have the healthiest self esteem, or does this mean I'm just being realistic?
I mean, besides the times I amaze myself that I can actually walk and chew gum without falling on my face? Because I am amazed that I can do that. Graceful, I am not.
But seriously, I keep asking myself the question 'do I amaze myself?"
If I can be totally honest, the answer is no. At least I really don't think so.
Am I pretty damn proud of what I've accomplished thus far on my quest to become fit and healthy? AbsoDAMNlutely! But I don't consider what I've done all that amazing. It just is what it is, ya know? I mean, how amazing is it to just eat reasonably and exercise? People do that every day.
Does this mean I do not have the healthiest self esteem, or does this mean I'm just being realistic?
Saturday, March 22, 2008
You might be able to bend me a little, but you can't break me!
"Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission." --Eleanor Roosevelt
So today at my weekly Weight Watchers weigh in, I hit another five pound milestone. For each five pounds you lose, you get little stars. They may be silly little stars, but I live for them. I work for each and every one of them. At the end of the meeting we do celebrations, where the leader announces people who earn stars and other milestones.
So my name is at the end because she goes from lowest to highest. After she says my name, she pauses, and in that pause I heard several what could only be described as gasps of exasperation or disgust. It's hard to type out the sound, but you know what Im talking about. I tried desperately in the next seconds to convince myself I really didnt hear that, I just imagined it. (But it was more than one person, I'd say three, maybe four.) My leader stops dead in her tracks, turns around to the side of the room they all seemed to come from and says "what was THAT about?" I wanted to crawl under my chair. I have done nothing to these people. I'm not a meetings monopolizer. I share in the meeting from time to time, but I dont dominate by any stretch of the imagination.
After the meeting one of the people (and until she did, I had no idea who they were who did it) came and said "don't read anything into that, its just we hear your name all the time". I just nodded politely.
Yes, you do hear my name a lot. Because I work hard. I work my ass off to get those stars. I will not apologize for my success, even if it makes somebody else uncomfortable.
But I was hurt. I went to the gym and my trainer came over to ask how I did and I just started crying. I stopped the tears and worked out. Hard. Im not going to revert to eating my feelings, Im going to use that energy to work even harder.
Nobody can make me feel bad about myself without my permission. I don't give them permission. You may bend me a little, but you can't break me.
So today at my weekly Weight Watchers weigh in, I hit another five pound milestone. For each five pounds you lose, you get little stars. They may be silly little stars, but I live for them. I work for each and every one of them. At the end of the meeting we do celebrations, where the leader announces people who earn stars and other milestones.
So my name is at the end because she goes from lowest to highest. After she says my name, she pauses, and in that pause I heard several what could only be described as gasps of exasperation or disgust. It's hard to type out the sound, but you know what Im talking about. I tried desperately in the next seconds to convince myself I really didnt hear that, I just imagined it. (But it was more than one person, I'd say three, maybe four.) My leader stops dead in her tracks, turns around to the side of the room they all seemed to come from and says "what was THAT about?" I wanted to crawl under my chair. I have done nothing to these people. I'm not a meetings monopolizer. I share in the meeting from time to time, but I dont dominate by any stretch of the imagination.
After the meeting one of the people (and until she did, I had no idea who they were who did it) came and said "don't read anything into that, its just we hear your name all the time". I just nodded politely.
Yes, you do hear my name a lot. Because I work hard. I work my ass off to get those stars. I will not apologize for my success, even if it makes somebody else uncomfortable.
But I was hurt. I went to the gym and my trainer came over to ask how I did and I just started crying. I stopped the tears and worked out. Hard. Im not going to revert to eating my feelings, Im going to use that energy to work even harder.
Nobody can make me feel bad about myself without my permission. I don't give them permission. You may bend me a little, but you can't break me.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
The World is NOT your phone booth
This has nothing to do with anything, except that I have to rant about it. So here it is...
An Open Letter to Cell Phone Abusers:
The world is not your phone booth. Perhaps you don't remember what phone booths are. They are booths, with a door. A door that you close. A door that you close so nobody else has to hear your conversation. Let me remind you...that means it kept your conversations PRIVATE. Why? Because nobody wants to hear it!! When you're sitting in the quiet calm of the gynecologists office where everybody else is quietly thumbing through magazines, you should NOT under ANY circumstances feel it's okay to whip out your phone to call the random family member and be a total pill to them, no matter how much they annoy you. And certainly you should use restraint and not hang up with the annoying family member and then call the City to complain about your water being shut off because you didnt pay your bill. Seriously, have some dignity. TAKE IT ELSEWHERE! You shouldn't feel comfortable blabbing about it in front of strangers and trust me, we arent comfortable hearing it.
When somebody stares at you while you're flapping your gums in tight quarters, you should by all means take that as the not-so-subtle hint it is meant to be. Hang it up or take it outside.
When you are at the gym, personally I think you should leave the damn thing in your locker. That's time to pay atttention to what you're doing. But should you find you are physically unable to remove the phone from your ear and must talk all through your "workout" (oh yes I use the term for what you are doing loosely), please get up off your duff from the equipment those of us there to actually workout are waiting for you to vacate so we can use . It's not a park bench. If I've waited five minutes for that machine, and you've done no reps, please consider the stare Im throwing your way a not-so-subtle hint to move it. If you are on a piece of cardio equipment and feel you must yell to be heard over the hum of the machine, consider that I, the girl three ellipticals down working up a decent heart rate, even with my headphones in, can hear you loud and clear.
If my family or friends and I are enjoying a nice relaxing dinner and you feel the need to conduct your business, personal or actual business, please know that we are not intersted in your latest deal or where you went shopping or who was doing who last night. We do not care. You do not impress us. You annoy us.
Please. Very little is that important it can't wait until you remove yourself to a more appropriate location. Consider respect for the people around you.
And if you can't respect us, take it down a notch in the volume, or better yet...SHUT UP ALTOGTHER.
Okay, I feel better now. We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.
An Open Letter to Cell Phone Abusers:
The world is not your phone booth. Perhaps you don't remember what phone booths are. They are booths, with a door. A door that you close. A door that you close so nobody else has to hear your conversation. Let me remind you...that means it kept your conversations PRIVATE. Why? Because nobody wants to hear it!! When you're sitting in the quiet calm of the gynecologists office where everybody else is quietly thumbing through magazines, you should NOT under ANY circumstances feel it's okay to whip out your phone to call the random family member and be a total pill to them, no matter how much they annoy you. And certainly you should use restraint and not hang up with the annoying family member and then call the City to complain about your water being shut off because you didnt pay your bill. Seriously, have some dignity. TAKE IT ELSEWHERE! You shouldn't feel comfortable blabbing about it in front of strangers and trust me, we arent comfortable hearing it.
When somebody stares at you while you're flapping your gums in tight quarters, you should by all means take that as the not-so-subtle hint it is meant to be. Hang it up or take it outside.
When you are at the gym, personally I think you should leave the damn thing in your locker. That's time to pay atttention to what you're doing. But should you find you are physically unable to remove the phone from your ear and must talk all through your "workout" (oh yes I use the term for what you are doing loosely), please get up off your duff from the equipment those of us there to actually workout are waiting for you to vacate so we can use . It's not a park bench. If I've waited five minutes for that machine, and you've done no reps, please consider the stare Im throwing your way a not-so-subtle hint to move it. If you are on a piece of cardio equipment and feel you must yell to be heard over the hum of the machine, consider that I, the girl three ellipticals down working up a decent heart rate, even with my headphones in, can hear you loud and clear.
If my family or friends and I are enjoying a nice relaxing dinner and you feel the need to conduct your business, personal or actual business, please know that we are not intersted in your latest deal or where you went shopping or who was doing who last night. We do not care. You do not impress us. You annoy us.
Please. Very little is that important it can't wait until you remove yourself to a more appropriate location. Consider respect for the people around you.
And if you can't respect us, take it down a notch in the volume, or better yet...SHUT UP ALTOGTHER.
Okay, I feel better now. We now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.
This just in: I'm Happy!
You know, just saying that makes me smile.
It wasn't all that long ago that I had all but flushed my life down the toilet. I was caught in a depression that I functioned fairly well with for awhile, but it slowly slipped farther and farther away from being in control to being out of control. Oh, it's not like I decided to end things one day. It was far more subtle, the downslide. And sadly I didn't get the help I easily could have. I always thought I could turn it around (mind you I was already taking antidepressants and had been for years, so it wouldnt have been any big deal to go to my doctor and say 'hey, this isnt working anymore'.) In the end, I lost my job, I almost lost my house, but worst of all, I lost myself.
An opportunity arose to pick up and go to Florida to work on insurance claims for the hurricanes. I was scared to death, and needed a push to go, but I went. That was the beginning of reclaiming my life. I started to feel better very quickly and soon was off anti depressants altogether. After 8 months in Florida, I went home and packed up my house and moved to Texas. I have a new house, a new job, a whole new life here.
And Im HAPPY!
Happy enough to start the journey to becoming fit and healthy. And doing that has just made me happier. Its a vicious cycle of happiness!
I really look back and where I had let myself go to where I am now, and you know something? I'm rather impressed with myself!
But as impressed with myself as I am, I have to give credit to God for bestowing the blessings on me He has. The blessings of what I have now and the blessings of the struggles I went through and learned from. Awesome and amazing!
It wasn't all that long ago that I had all but flushed my life down the toilet. I was caught in a depression that I functioned fairly well with for awhile, but it slowly slipped farther and farther away from being in control to being out of control. Oh, it's not like I decided to end things one day. It was far more subtle, the downslide. And sadly I didn't get the help I easily could have. I always thought I could turn it around (mind you I was already taking antidepressants and had been for years, so it wouldnt have been any big deal to go to my doctor and say 'hey, this isnt working anymore'.) In the end, I lost my job, I almost lost my house, but worst of all, I lost myself.
An opportunity arose to pick up and go to Florida to work on insurance claims for the hurricanes. I was scared to death, and needed a push to go, but I went. That was the beginning of reclaiming my life. I started to feel better very quickly and soon was off anti depressants altogether. After 8 months in Florida, I went home and packed up my house and moved to Texas. I have a new house, a new job, a whole new life here.
And Im HAPPY!
Happy enough to start the journey to becoming fit and healthy. And doing that has just made me happier. Its a vicious cycle of happiness!
I really look back and where I had let myself go to where I am now, and you know something? I'm rather impressed with myself!
But as impressed with myself as I am, I have to give credit to God for bestowing the blessings on me He has. The blessings of what I have now and the blessings of the struggles I went through and learned from. Awesome and amazing!
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Me vs. The Scale...part (oh goodness I've lost count!)
I've been stewing about this almost a week now.
Last week's weigh in I gained .4. Yes, I realize thats not even a pound. I realize it's not even half a pound. But it IS a gain. I dont like gains. Well not when I can't figure them out. I never like them, but at least if I know why it happened, I dont obsess about it.
This one I can't figure out. Other than that Im going on two weeks late for my period (and NO Im not pregnant. At least Im pretty sure Im not. There is always the possibility an Angel will come deliver a message to me that Im carrying the next immaculate conception. Not likely, but it has happened once before, so you never know!) But even during that time of the month, I dont gain. I just have very small losses.
So after that disappointment, I spend the weekend with relatives visiting from out of town, and ate basically every meal out for two days. I had salads at most meals, but I did have some Texas BBQ (in total moderation!). And I didnt get my normal workouts in those days.
So now I've got it in my head that my clothes are tight and Im going to have another gain. I don't have a scale at home, for a reason. I get, as you can see, rather obsessed with those stupid scales. If I had one at home I would be on it every day, multiple times a day. I learned last time around that was just crazy. So I dont have one. But I came very close to buying one this week. As much as I dont want the crazy, it sometimes drives me crazy not knowing what will happen at weigh ins.
What I am usually pretty accepting of, except this week, is the concept that if I do show a gain, so what? Just keep working the program and it will all be fine. I KNOW that. My head knows that. Most of the time my heart knows that. But not this week.
So if I gain on Saturday, what will that change? Nothing. It's not going to make me quit. It's not going to make me stop working out. It just means the scale won that battle, but I will win the war.
If I keep telling myself that this week, maybe I'll believe it.
Last week's weigh in I gained .4. Yes, I realize thats not even a pound. I realize it's not even half a pound. But it IS a gain. I dont like gains. Well not when I can't figure them out. I never like them, but at least if I know why it happened, I dont obsess about it.
This one I can't figure out. Other than that Im going on two weeks late for my period (and NO Im not pregnant. At least Im pretty sure Im not. There is always the possibility an Angel will come deliver a message to me that Im carrying the next immaculate conception. Not likely, but it has happened once before, so you never know!) But even during that time of the month, I dont gain. I just have very small losses.
So after that disappointment, I spend the weekend with relatives visiting from out of town, and ate basically every meal out for two days. I had salads at most meals, but I did have some Texas BBQ (in total moderation!). And I didnt get my normal workouts in those days.
So now I've got it in my head that my clothes are tight and Im going to have another gain. I don't have a scale at home, for a reason. I get, as you can see, rather obsessed with those stupid scales. If I had one at home I would be on it every day, multiple times a day. I learned last time around that was just crazy. So I dont have one. But I came very close to buying one this week. As much as I dont want the crazy, it sometimes drives me crazy not knowing what will happen at weigh ins.
What I am usually pretty accepting of, except this week, is the concept that if I do show a gain, so what? Just keep working the program and it will all be fine. I KNOW that. My head knows that. Most of the time my heart knows that. But not this week.
So if I gain on Saturday, what will that change? Nothing. It's not going to make me quit. It's not going to make me stop working out. It just means the scale won that battle, but I will win the war.
If I keep telling myself that this week, maybe I'll believe it.
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