I was just over on the WW message boards asking for an attitude adjustment with reference to the post just below. And somebody suggested I read and re-read the quote I had in my OWN signature (I try to change them up and make them motivational.)
I read it again. And again. And though its not an instant fix to my crazy headtrips, it does have a lot to say in those few words. So, Im going to take a lesson from my school days and stand at the board and write 20 times (okay don't go counting them!):
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." --Henry David Thoreau
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." --Henry David Thoreau
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." --Henry David Thoreau
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." --Henry David Thoreau
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." --Henry David Thoreau
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." --Henry David Thoreau
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." --Henry David Thoreau
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." --Henry David Thoreau
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." --Henry David Thoreau
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." --Henry David Thoreau
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." --Henry David Thoreau
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." --Henry David Thoreau
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." --Henry David Thoreau
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." --Henry David Thoreau
"Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined." --Henry David Thoreau
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Kicking The Fat Girl to the curb, when she doesn't want to go...
I identify myself as a fat person. Well there really isn't much wrong with that considering I'm still fat. But I still struggle with thinking with the same mindset as I did 105lbs ago, when I had no confidence, when I would hated making eye contact with strangers, when I would do anything to become invisible, including get larger and larger and larger. But now I walk taller, I smile A LOT more, and Im becoming more confident. But not all the time. There are certain things that make me revert in my head, right back to that other girl. We have a stable full of doctors at work that I have to consult with on a regular basis. I hate it. I feel like the only thing a doctor EVER sees is fat. No matter that I am not their patient, but I think they are judging me right off because Im fat. And men. I still have myself convinced that there is nobody who would find me attractive, and if they did, it would be because of some fetish I want no part of.
I am not really entirely sure how to kick the fat girl to the curb when she's got her heels dug in rather firmly. I thought it was something that would just take a lot of time.
But then I have had a couple of conversations with Mari, my trainer. Look at her picture (scroll down.) In my mind, I think, how can somebody who looks like that struggle with confidence at times? How is that possible? But Mari has lost a good deal of weight herself, and she's had years of letting go of her old identity, yet she STILL struggles with it. In a way that's comforting (because I know my feelings must be normal) but it also scares me because I think, Im never gonna look like that, so how can I have even a shred of confidence?
I am not really entirely sure how to kick the fat girl to the curb when she's got her heels dug in rather firmly. I thought it was something that would just take a lot of time.
But then I have had a couple of conversations with Mari, my trainer. Look at her picture (scroll down.) In my mind, I think, how can somebody who looks like that struggle with confidence at times? How is that possible? But Mari has lost a good deal of weight herself, and she's had years of letting go of her old identity, yet she STILL struggles with it. In a way that's comforting (because I know my feelings must be normal) but it also scares me because I think, Im never gonna look like that, so how can I have even a shred of confidence?
Saturday, May 24, 2008
My "success" story...part one
WW is having a contest for success stories. I am not even sure I'm allowed to enter yet since I'm not at goal. (If that turns out to be true that will inspire a whole other post!!) And even if I am allowed to enter, the likelihood of anybody seeing my essay is pretty slim. So I figured rather than let it go to waste (since I did labor over it a bit), I'll post it here.
Why am I calling this post "part one"? Well obviously I have not reached my goal yet. But I do feel like a success. I've worked hard to get this far!
The entry has to be 400 words or less, and it's hard to say everything I want to in 400 words. I could write a book! So here it is (and in case I DO get to enter, any feedback would be appreciated!):
People often comment how hard it must have been to lose this weight, but they never expect my answer: no it hasn't. Hard was realizing I had spent my entire life in search of comfort, validation and acceptance from food. Hard was realizing I was gambling with my health. Once I decided to truly make a lifestyle change, losing the weight has not been that hard. Yes, I've had challenges, but Weight Watchers has given me the tools I need to face those challenges. Through my inner resolve, along with inspiration and encouragement from my friends on the Weight Watchers message boards, I have been able to put those tools into practice.
I chose Weight Watchers because I knew to fix a lifetime of bad habits I didn't need a quick fix. I didn't need a diet. I needed to learn to change my lifestyle as it related to food and exercise. I knew I would find that at Weight Watchers, along with tons of support and encouragement. I have learned to relate to food in a healthy way. The Core Plan has taught me how to listen to my body, something I had no regard for in the past. I wasn't sure I could learn how to eat when I was hungry and stop when I was satisfied. I was more used to eating whenever the mood struck and stopping when it hurt!
I used to say I didn't like exercise, it would be something I would do because I needed to, but I wouldn't have to like it! Boy did that turn out to be wrong! I love working out and adding more activity to my life. My reward for losing 50lbs was to hire a personal trainer!
The biggest thing that inspires me on my journey to become fit and healthy is for the first time in my life, I truly believe I am worth doing it for!
Though I am not at goal, my life and health have seen many changes. My doctor couldn't believe how much I reduced my LDL and Triglycerides and increased my HDL simply through changing how I ate and exercising. I have more energy. And I am truly happier!
I am grateful that coming to Weight Watchers has given me my life back. There is no stopping me now!
Why am I calling this post "part one"? Well obviously I have not reached my goal yet. But I do feel like a success. I've worked hard to get this far!
The entry has to be 400 words or less, and it's hard to say everything I want to in 400 words. I could write a book! So here it is (and in case I DO get to enter, any feedback would be appreciated!):
People often comment how hard it must have been to lose this weight, but they never expect my answer: no it hasn't. Hard was realizing I had spent my entire life in search of comfort, validation and acceptance from food. Hard was realizing I was gambling with my health. Once I decided to truly make a lifestyle change, losing the weight has not been that hard. Yes, I've had challenges, but Weight Watchers has given me the tools I need to face those challenges. Through my inner resolve, along with inspiration and encouragement from my friends on the Weight Watchers message boards, I have been able to put those tools into practice.
I chose Weight Watchers because I knew to fix a lifetime of bad habits I didn't need a quick fix. I didn't need a diet. I needed to learn to change my lifestyle as it related to food and exercise. I knew I would find that at Weight Watchers, along with tons of support and encouragement. I have learned to relate to food in a healthy way. The Core Plan has taught me how to listen to my body, something I had no regard for in the past. I wasn't sure I could learn how to eat when I was hungry and stop when I was satisfied. I was more used to eating whenever the mood struck and stopping when it hurt!
I used to say I didn't like exercise, it would be something I would do because I needed to, but I wouldn't have to like it! Boy did that turn out to be wrong! I love working out and adding more activity to my life. My reward for losing 50lbs was to hire a personal trainer!
The biggest thing that inspires me on my journey to become fit and healthy is for the first time in my life, I truly believe I am worth doing it for!
Though I am not at goal, my life and health have seen many changes. My doctor couldn't believe how much I reduced my LDL and Triglycerides and increased my HDL simply through changing how I ate and exercising. I have more energy. And I am truly happier!
I am grateful that coming to Weight Watchers has given me my life back. There is no stopping me now!
Monday, May 19, 2008
Two steps forward, one step back...
So this past weekend I spent Saturday night at my mother's house. She was in and out all afternoon.
She has a lot of non-Core foods in her house. Most of it I could care less about. And honestly even the things that caught my attention there would not catch my attention anywhere else. Like chips. I pass by three or four vending machines full of chips at work every day. I go to the grocery store at least once a week and pass by chips every time. They don't appeal to me at all.
Yet, do you know what I found myself doing? When I thought she would be out of the hose long enough to get away with it, I'd go to the pantry and grab a few chips. I was not eating out of stress, I was not unhappy or nervous. And Lord knows it wasn't eating out of hunger.
It was the secret eater, the girl who got fat before her mothers eyes though her mother never really saw her overeat, coming back to say hello. I used to sneak food growing up all the time.
The thing that gets me, is that now, I don't think my mother would really make any big deal about me eating some chips if I chose to. She knows I'm dedicated to working my plan and would know I'd account for the points (which I did). So why did I feel I had to sneak it?
I live by myself, 45 minutes away from my mother. I could eat McDonald's for breakfast, Wendy's for lunch and Sonic for dinner, every day and she wouldn't know. But I don't do that! So why did I have that urge to do it at her house? I'm not sure at this point I have that entirely figured out. There's something else to keep mulling over...
She has a lot of non-Core foods in her house. Most of it I could care less about. And honestly even the things that caught my attention there would not catch my attention anywhere else. Like chips. I pass by three or four vending machines full of chips at work every day. I go to the grocery store at least once a week and pass by chips every time. They don't appeal to me at all.
Yet, do you know what I found myself doing? When I thought she would be out of the hose long enough to get away with it, I'd go to the pantry and grab a few chips. I was not eating out of stress, I was not unhappy or nervous. And Lord knows it wasn't eating out of hunger.
It was the secret eater, the girl who got fat before her mothers eyes though her mother never really saw her overeat, coming back to say hello. I used to sneak food growing up all the time.
The thing that gets me, is that now, I don't think my mother would really make any big deal about me eating some chips if I chose to. She knows I'm dedicated to working my plan and would know I'd account for the points (which I did). So why did I feel I had to sneak it?
I live by myself, 45 minutes away from my mother. I could eat McDonald's for breakfast, Wendy's for lunch and Sonic for dinner, every day and she wouldn't know. But I don't do that! So why did I have that urge to do it at her house? I'm not sure at this point I have that entirely figured out. There's something else to keep mulling over...
Monday, May 12, 2008
A new milestone, and new pictures!
As of last Saturday's weigh in, I officially reached 100lbs lost. (Actually the total is 101.2, but who's counting?!!) I am now a member of the Century Club! So how do I feel having reached this milestone? I feel SO much better! Im happy, I'm moving easier, I'm more confident. I'm posting this a progress picture, but it's the same story as the last time...I still don't see a huge difference. Of course the starting picture wasn't full length, either.
I'm also sharing pictures, with their permission, of course, of me with two people who have been such inspiration to me on this journey.
The picture below is me with my Weight Watchers meeting leader, Pam. Nothing is ever boring or dull in Pam's meetings. Her energy brings each topic to life, but with practical tools for putting the theories into practice. I always look forward to her meetings, she makes it fun!
And this picture is me with my personal trainer, Mari. Now it says something about the confidence I've gained that not only would I willingly have my picture taken, but to have it taken standing next to a 98lb soaking wet (if that) hard body who also happens to be gorgeous!
Mari is more than my trainer, she's my friend. I only have about a month left to work with her. While I will probably work with another trainer, there will never be another Mari!
I'm also sharing pictures, with their permission, of course, of me with two people who have been such inspiration to me on this journey.
The picture below is me with my Weight Watchers meeting leader, Pam. Nothing is ever boring or dull in Pam's meetings. Her energy brings each topic to life, but with practical tools for putting the theories into practice. I always look forward to her meetings, she makes it fun!
And this picture is me with my personal trainer, Mari. Now it says something about the confidence I've gained that not only would I willingly have my picture taken, but to have it taken standing next to a 98lb soaking wet (if that) hard body who also happens to be gorgeous!
Mari is more than my trainer, she's my friend. I only have about a month left to work with her. While I will probably work with another trainer, there will never be another Mari!
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Hard?
People still say things to me about how losing this weight must be so hard. Seriously, it hasn't been hard at all to stay focused. I started to think about why.
So you think eating healthy and exercising regularly is hard? No. It's not hard.
Hard is:
--when you can't walk from the parking lot to your desk without becoming winded.
--when you have to find a close parking space or just leave because if you have to walk to far you'll be sweating so bad people might think you're having a heart attack.
--when you have to sit in a folding chair and fear the entire time it will collapse.
--when you have to crawl over people to get to the empty seats in the movie theater and have
your ass in the face of the person behind you and your belly knocking the head of the person
in front of you.
--when you try to sit down in a booth at a restaurant and you can't fit
--when you have bruises on your hips for two weeks from squeezing into the seats at the
baseball stadium or race track.
--when the clerk at the Southwest counter gives you the once over (in front of the entire line of
people behind you) and announces that you must buy two seats because you're so large.
--when you hear the comments of people trying to be rude, trying to impress their friends or
are just plain thoughtless that remind you how much of a circus side show spectacle you are
to the rest of the world, and it cuts through your heart for days.
--when you hear those same comments all your life and have to fight hard within yourself not
to respond with the same amount of ugliness in your heart as the person who made the
comment.
--when you believe your are a disappointment to your parents, simply because of your weight.
--when you are terrified at the thought of outliving your parents because you just might die
fat and alone, surrounded by a dozen cats.
--when you pray to God but realize the Higher Power you've relinquished the control
of your life to is actually a red haired clown named Ronald McDonald.
--when you wake up one day and realize you have literally traded more than half your life, and
all the things you wanted to have in those years, for the pursuit of just one more Super Sized
Big Mac value meal.
--when you realize that maybe what you're doing with food is just a slow form of suicide.
THAT is hard.
Eating healthy and exercising regularly, not so much.
So you think eating healthy and exercising regularly is hard? No. It's not hard.
Hard is:
--when you can't walk from the parking lot to your desk without becoming winded.
--when you have to find a close parking space or just leave because if you have to walk to far you'll be sweating so bad people might think you're having a heart attack.
--when you have to sit in a folding chair and fear the entire time it will collapse.
--when you have to crawl over people to get to the empty seats in the movie theater and have
your ass in the face of the person behind you and your belly knocking the head of the person
in front of you.
--when you try to sit down in a booth at a restaurant and you can't fit
--when you have bruises on your hips for two weeks from squeezing into the seats at the
baseball stadium or race track.
--when the clerk at the Southwest counter gives you the once over (in front of the entire line of
people behind you) and announces that you must buy two seats because you're so large.
--when you hear the comments of people trying to be rude, trying to impress their friends or
are just plain thoughtless that remind you how much of a circus side show spectacle you are
to the rest of the world, and it cuts through your heart for days.
--when you hear those same comments all your life and have to fight hard within yourself not
to respond with the same amount of ugliness in your heart as the person who made the
comment.
--when you believe your are a disappointment to your parents, simply because of your weight.
--when you are terrified at the thought of outliving your parents because you just might die
fat and alone, surrounded by a dozen cats.
--when you pray to God but realize the Higher Power you've relinquished the control
of your life to is actually a red haired clown named Ronald McDonald.
--when you wake up one day and realize you have literally traded more than half your life, and
all the things you wanted to have in those years, for the pursuit of just one more Super Sized
Big Mac value meal.
--when you realize that maybe what you're doing with food is just a slow form of suicide.
THAT is hard.
Eating healthy and exercising regularly, not so much.
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