As the Race for the Cure approaches....

It's Friday night, just winding down before bedtime and the start of the weekend.

On Sunday, I'll be doing the Race for the Cure. Doing this race is so important to me this year. Partly just because my fat ass is doing something like this, and that's pretty cool when I consider a year ago I would have told you to put the crack pipe down if you'd suggested I'd ever do such a thing.

But more than that, doing it this year is a must. My friend Elison lost her battle with breast cancer earlier this year. Elison died way too young from this sickening disease.

I hurt my leg a few weeks ago, but it got better. Then it flared up Tuesday, but was better by this morning. Well, it flared up again today (when I was goofing off like an idiot!) I don't care. I'm doing the race. And if it starts to hurt, I'm going to think of what a complete baby I am complaining about pain in my leg compared to what Elison went through. If I'm tired, I'll remember that I get to recover from my fatigue. Elison didn't recover from breast cancer.

We had the opportunity to put names of breast cancer victims and survivors on our race t-shirts for my gym. I submitted two names, one was Elisons. Neither name made it on the shirt. I almost had a melt down. When my leg flared up and I considered not being able to do the race, I felt another melt down coming on. But I stopped it with a simple decision: I will not sit this race out. No way.

Welcome to the Freak Show

Honestly, I often feel like a Freak Show. I know from recent discussions with two people that I'm not alone in this.

Here's the thing... People are watching me. That's rather disconcerting to somebody who spent years trying to be invisible. And the thing is, I put an ENORMOUS amount of pressure on myself to be successful, every week. I will freely admit to being unbearably hard on myself in that regard. I don't really need or want the added pressure of knowing I'm doing this in front of an overly-attentive audience.

And what is with the people who have essentially blown off my attempts at saying hello and refusing to return my smile for months, suddenly deciding (after I've abandoned the aforementioned attempts) to walk up to me and let the first thing they EVER say to me be "Wow how much weight have you lost?" While I can appreciate they are curious, it's a tiny bit rude, is it not? "Hello, how are you, you're looking good" would be a nicer start. So yeah, I sometimes feel like the bearded lady. A circus side show freak. What bothers me the most is that I feel like my weight loss has become, to some people, the sum total of who I am. I hate that. My success with this no more completely defines me as a person than being the fat girl did. I am SO much more than that.

And let's talk about how everybody has a damn opinion about what I'm doing or not doing and feels like they owe it to me to share it? Things I hear all the time from various people: "You workout too much." "You need to workout more." "You don't eat enough." "Why are you eating that?" "Wow you shop for new clothes a lot." "You're clothes are too big." Seriously. For everything somebody says, I've got somebody else who will say the opposite. For those of you who know me well, and know what I do regularly, mainly Jessica, this does not apply to you. You're basing your opinion on the pretty intimate knowledge of what I actually do. For everybody else who says it based on the very small glimpse they have into my routine, may I just say, BUGGER THE HELL OFF. I do not really want your editorial on how I'm doing. I'm sorry if that's a bitchy thing to say, but I don't. You're not experts. Really. I'm not either, but dammit I've lost almost 130lbs now so I'm pretty comfortable that I've got a pretty good grip on what I need to do here. (Update: as of yesterday I've lost 130.6!) You do what works for you, but as far as your feeling the need to give me advice on what I need to do, if I don't specifically ask you, shut it. Please. Because right now my patience is wearing pretty thin with the people who are doing it. Again, Jess, this does NOT apply to you. You can call bullshit on me anytime because a) you know my shit better than anybody, and b) your opinion means a lot given you're walking the same walk I am, just a little farther down the path!

I guess I better be done now, before it gets really ugly!

Fear will never save you....

I listen to one of my favorite songs on one of my favorite albums from one of my favorite bands ALL the time. I mean ALL the time. But Friday as I was driving to work, one of the lines in the song (that I sing ALL the time!) popped out at me. "Fear will never save you, but it might give you strength and courage..." I was a little bit dumbstruck at the time thinking of how often I have sang along and that line never spoke to me like it did just at that moment. FEAR will NEVER save you.
And yet, for so many years, that's exactly what I thought it was doing. If I cower away from those things that scare me, I'm safe. Right? Maybe I was safe temporarily. Maybe it saved me from rejection a few times. Maybe it saved me from failing to accomplish a goal a time or two. But would rejection or not being perfect at everything I tried have really been that devastating? I'm realizing not. I'm realizing those things just make me stronger. Like how muscles get stronger. They have to be torn down first in order to get built up stronger.

So I'm finding new resolve in pushing through those things I fear. I have a huge opportunity to face a huge fear coming up this week. If things work out they way I'd like, great. If they don't, so? It's not going to kill me. It's not going to break me down in any way. Fear of doing it won't save me. It'll just keep me from ever knowing I had the strength and courage to attempt it.

Limitations....

I was forced today to think about facing up to limitations. Over the previous two weeks I have greatly increased my workout time. By a lot. I'm doing this as part of a team challenge through my gym. My goal was to workout two hours a day for as many days as possible for the month of October. I knew it wasnt going to be easy, but I figured it would just take a lot of determination and really, I could do anything I wanted to if I just worked at it hard enough. Last night I found out it isn't always about just pushing through it when mentally you may not feel like it. Last night my body decided to remind me that I do, in fact, have limits. I pushed through the pain enough to finish my session with my Awesomely Evil Trainer, and even managed to eek out 30 more minutes on the elliptical (to add to the 30 I'd done before my training session), although it wasn't very fast. I woke up this morning to find the pain had not disappeared overnight, despite all my best efforts to will it away. So the first suggestion I got was, do not work out today. I knew it was the right thing to do, but I hated hearing it. I resented my body for doing this to me. I considered just going and working out anyway, but by the end of the day (which was spent hobbling around) I realized if I did that, I was probably just going to make things worse. So I didn't go. I accepted that my body was telling me it's okay not to take it easy. I am not the failure I have to fight not to believe I am. If I let my team down this week, I'm sorry.

But it also started me thinking about how often I might put false limitations on myself. I still have thoughts that I shouldn't do things because of what I look like. That I don't think I'm capable of something even though I've never tried it. Why? Why do I just assume these things to be true and place limitations on myself that DON'T need to be there? That's just stupid. Yet I still do it.

IMPOSTER!

I went shopping today. By myself. No big deal, right?
Well, I found myself at Kohl's. I did the usual, I walked right to the Plus section. I looked around and it started to sink in that lately the smallest Plus tops are getting too big.
What to do?!
So I went to the regular section. I have to tell you, I felt very strange. Like I didn't belong there. I expected employees to start walking up to me and point me towards the Women's Section while they pointed out I was too big for the section I was in. But nobody did. And every time I picked something up, I was just sure it was pointless.
But most of what I picked up fit just fine. Even a dress that was a size LARGE! Not even XL!
And yesterday, the Gym Bad Ass Jess took me to a bike shop to get bike shorts so I can go to spin class and not leave with bruises in places I'd rather not have them. She grabs a pair of spandex monsters, size XL. I told her flat out they wouldnt fit. She just gave me one of her "shut up, Crackhead" looks and kept grabbing shorts.
Later, I called out from the dressing room "I really kind of hate it when you're right!"

I don't know why it's so hard to think of myself as smaller. But thats really not it. I had no problem grabbing smaller sizes in the Plus Size stores. It's jumping out of the plus sizes into regular sizes that I have a hard time accepting I can do. And granted not everything in the regular sizes fits, especially bottoms. But for some reason I feel like when I go into a regular section to actually shop, I'm trespassing.

Do you want to see what determination and success looks like?

Well there it is!

Welcome to The Century Club, Jess!! The above picture was taken at Jessica's party to celebrate her AWESOME success!

Jess is a MACHINE!! She works harder than anybody I know, and I do mean ANYBODY! And her payoff? She hit her 100lb total loss earlier this week. WAY TO GO!!

If anybody truly has a goal to be a gym Bad Ass, they just need to look to this girl for some inspiration. She truly is a bad ass!!

(And she can leg press 500lbs! AND she's an awesome friend!)

I often find inspiration in music. Lyrics speak to me. This song is one that speaks to me a lot, and I'd like to dedicate it to the incredibly awesome Jess!

"I Believe"

Have you ever reached a rainbow's end
And did you find your pot of gold
Ever catch a shooting star
Tell me how high did you soar
Ever felt like you were dreaming
Just to find that you're awake
And the magic that surrounds you
Will lift you up and guide you on your way

I can see it in the stars across the sky
Dreamt a hundred thousand dreams before
Now I finally realize
See I've waited all my life for this moment to arrive
And finally I believe

When you look out in the distance
You see never was I far
Heaven knows of your existence
And want's you to be everything you are
There's a time for every soul to fly
It's in the eye's of every child
Is the hope that love can save the world
And we should never let it go


I believe in the impossible
If I reach deep within my heart
Overcome any obstacle
Won't let this dream fall apart
See I strive to be the very best
Shine my light for all to see
Cause anything is possible
When you believe yeah

I can see it in the stars across the sky
Dreamt a hundred thousand dreams before
Now I finally realize
I've waited all my life for this moment to arrive
I believe
I believe
Yes I believe

The Scale Wins Again....a little bit.

So this week I worked out more than I ever have. I didn't stuff my face with tons of extra food.

And I gained 1.6 pounds. Not .2, not .4....1.6!!! WHAT IS THAT ABOUT!!

What's worse than what the scale said, I'm embarrassed to admit that I let it ruin my attitude for the day. Yes, I still went to the gym (for two hours) and no I didn't go on a Twinkie bender, but my attitude was crappy all day. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to just burst into tears. Even hours later, out shopping, I just wanted to have a melt down. And I hate that I let it get me so down. And worse, I started to feel those old favorite put downs like "I'm worthless", "Why can't anything in my life go right", you name it, I said it to myself. Quite frankly, I'm feeling sorry for myself. You can say whatever you want, I honestly don't care how wrong it may be to feel this way. That's how I feel.

Tomorrow is a new day. That's about all I can say for myself.

Save the Ta Tas!

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Breast cancer, unfortunately, is alive and well and affecting the lives of millions of women. This year, Breast Cancer Awareness month means even more to me. I lost a friend earlier this year. I don't believe she had to die. But that's a long story, the bottom line of which is: be proactive about your health. Be VERY proactive. Don't settle for a half-assed answer if it doesnt seem right, even if the person giving it to you has "M.D." behind their name.

As part of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, my gym does a team challenge. I am taking this challenge seriously and am trying to exercise two hour a day for as many days as I can this month.

The challenge ends with the Race For The Cure. I have signed up for it. I'm nervous to tackle something new, but excited to face the challenge in memory of Elison.

I am also unashamedly asking for donations. If you want to help fight this nasty disease, please go to: http://www.komenaustin.org/goto/gingint

Thank you!