Put on a rain jacket and go...

When Lance Armstrong was asked about dealing with challenges in race preparation (specifically in dealing with harsh treatment by the media), he's answer was "When it's raining, I just put on a rain jacket and go."

Pretty simple approach, don't you think? But it speaks volumes in it's simplicity, at least to me. And what does it speak to me about? In a word...excuses.

Let me tell you, I am the girl who can make an excuse for anything. I can justify anything. You want those shoes but don't need them? Call me, I'll give you a great justification for why you should buy them. But back to excuses.

When it comes to this whole eating right and getting more active thing, its filled with challenges. Every day. Every day will bring you the oppotunity to make a good choice or a bad choice. And lots of them. After awhile of making the good choices, they become easier, almost rote. But there are times when its hard to make the right choice.

Exercise? But it's too hot. I don't have time. I'm too fat still. I don't want to get up early. I hurt my _____(fill in the blank) so I can't do anything. American Idol is on.

Eating healthy? It's more expensive. I don't like to cook. It's my birthday. There was a bowl of candy on so and so's desk. But they kept pushing the cookies on me. It's easier to go through the drive through.

I could go on and on. We all have our excuses. We all have ways to justify in our minds why it's okay to make the bad choices. But consider this. For EVERY excuse we give ourselves...EVERY SINGLE ONE, there is AT LEAST one solution. You just have to find it.

But where are the bad choices going to get us? Not to our goals. If Lance Armstrong looked at every adversity as chance to back down from his goals, where would he be? He wouldn't have been a 7 time Tour de France champion. And you know what else? He'd probably be dead. (And this is MY blog, so if you think you're going to post any comments about Lance doping, you can forget about it because it'll be deleted and I'll hunt you down and beat you. Okay I wont beat you, but they'll be deleted.)

The point is, if its raining, so what? Put on your rain jacket and go.

Putting my life on hold...

The fat girl is still holding me back.
My body may look different, but the same thoughts still occupy my brain in a lot of ways.
I still struggle with thinking I'm not good enough, because of what I look like, that I repulse people. I question why somebody would want to be my friend. I don't even believe that they would, regardless of what they say. So I do my usual and go running right back into my shell.

And I don't even have the confidence to SMILE at the cute guy at work. No way. I'm sure the response I'll get is him laughing in my face. I look in the mirror and I don't think I'm hideous, but I think thats what the rest of the world thinks. And I don't know how to break out of this way of thinking.

Self Confidenct vs. Conceited

What's the difference between self confidence and being conceited? I ask because in trying to become more self confident, I worry that people will think of me as conceited. (Or God forbid, I actually at some point become conceited!) I think it's a really incredibly thin line.
Per Dictionary.com:

self-confidence (noun)
1. realistic confidence in one's own judgment, ability, power, etc.
2. excessive or inflated confidence in one's own judgment, ability, etc.

conceited (adjective)
1. having an excessively favorable opinion of one's abilities, appearance, etc.

So, let me get this right. If I'm REALLY confident in my own judgement, abililities, power, appearance, etc, I'm conceited. Okay, that's clear.

Not really. How much confidence is too much? I'm the person who has always walked around, hunched over, avoiding eye contact. I'm pushing myself to walk taller, smile more, and even try to make eye contact. But I don't want to be thought of as conceited. I am quite shy when I don't know a person, and that has been misinterpreted as being stuck up in the past. (That always cracked me up, being that it is so far from what I am!)

I keep hearing to be attractive to men you have to exude confidence. But I think the whole idea of being confident scares me.

I don't think I'm even making much sense with this rambling. Guess I'll put this debate on the back burner for now.

How bad do you want it?

I am going to get on my soapbox here for a moment or two. But while I climb there, let me just preface by saying this: I am not perfect at this whole journey to become fit and healthy, Far from it. Nobody is. And thank God.

How badly do you want to be free of your extra weight, no matter how much extra it may be? How bad? Bad enough to realize you need to make changes permanently? Bad enough to realize it takes learning a new way to relate to food and activity? Because you had better want it that badly if you're going to make this anything other than one more unsuccessful attempt to get yourself healthy.

What do you want more, to feel persecuted and deprived that you can't have potato chips as much and as often as you want, or to reach your goals? It's a potato chip, for Christ's sake. Do you know what an obsession with potato chips will get you? It got me 348 pounds to carry around. Do I miss the potato chips? Not really. Because you know what? Get the garbage out of your system and you'll realize its really not that tasty. And its not a potato. It's a chemically engineered concoction of something only slightly resembling a slice of potato. Full of crap I can't pronounce. Adopting a new lifestyle is going to require letting go of a lot of things. Crappy food. Crappy things we tell ourselves about our self worth. Say good riddance.

How hard are you willing to work at this? Because you know what I see so often it makes me a little crazy (and skeptical that the persons doing it can find long term success, to be totally honest?) People wanting and expecting all the information to be spoon fed to them. And the spoon feeders bug me just as much. Not taking the time to research the basic information is a big warning sign to me. You want the easy fix. ANd for those who hand it over, you're not helping. You're hindering. I know I'll get flack for saying that, but I could care less. Its the truth. If somebody is going to make this work, they need to learn the basics. Not be told the basics, they need to learn them. And you know the basics Im talking about. If they ask, it shouts out that they haven't bothered to look for the information in their materials. (That or they have no access to the materials because they aren't paying members and they're trying to glean it out of those of us who did pay to get it.) Look at it this way. If I went to my trainer and said, I want bigger biceps how much of result would I get if she slapped some baby weights in my hands, then used her own force to push my arms up and down? She'd get a bit of a workout, I'd get practically nothing. Parents, are you raising your children to be self sufficient or to have to rely on you for the most basic things once they become adults? I hope its not the latter.

You have to work at this. If you want easy, go to Jenny Craig or Nutrisystem where all the thought is basically taken out of it for you. If you want to change your life, you better want it bad, because it's going to take work and sacrifice.

Flame away, for those I piss off with this post.

Doomsday has arrived...

Tomorrow will be my last session with my current trainer, Mari The Rock Star. (Yes, that's her full name.) I've had time to prepare for this and to be honest, aside from deciding to sign up with one of the other trainers at my gym, I've blocked this out of my head. I actually should get up right now and pack my glasses in my gym bag, because there's a good chance my contact will be toast before we even get started training.

Back in the beginning of my journey to get fit and healthy, after I decided to start doing little weights at home and my arms hurt for the next week, I joked with my Weight Watchers leader that everytime those muscles let me know how sore they were, I thought about her (and not in a good way.) It wasn't too long after that I started training with Mari. I told my Weight Watchers leader that she was off the hook, because I hired a professional to hate.

But I never did hate Mari. Even when she started making me do squats and it hurt just trying to sit on the toilet. Even when she tried to make me look in the mirror while working out. Not when she challenged me to get my fat butt on the elliptical even though I thought I was still too fat to try. Not even when she tried to get me to do things 24 times, knowing how much I hate the number 24. And not even when we did abs on the floor.

It's hard to hate somebody who seems genuinely concerned with her clients and how they're doing. It's hard to hate somebody who never ever EVER made you feel you weren't worth her time as a trainer because you were the biggest person in the gym. And its hard to hate somebody who knows how to make you keep challenging yourself without brow beating you. It's hard to hate somebody who inspires you with her words, her actions, and her own story of her personal path to become fit and healthy. Its just not even possible to hate somebody who has stuck with you, your limitations, your sometimes whiney attitude, and your hang ups and utter lack of self confidence when she has helped you become stronger, healthier, and helped you realize you have the mental strength and drive to acheive ALL your goals.

I'm sure going to miss her.

Did you see that beached whale?

Oh no, that wasn't a beached whale! That was ME!! Doing my ab work on the floor.
Yes...THE FLOOR.
I realize most of you are probably scratching your heads and wondering what the big deal is. Well, if you read back through some of my posts, you'll see the idea of doing abs from the floor at the gym has always sent a surge of panic through me. My trainer has asked me to do it but I flat out refused. Why? Get that mental image of a beached whale back in your head. It's not easy for me to get back up off the floor. Well let me rephrase that. It's not that its hard...it doesn't hurt or anything. It's just not graceful and terribly embarrassing. A couple of weeks ago my trainer mentioned she would like to get me doing abs on the floor before we parted ways. I blew it off, even though I knew it would mean a lot to her. Then on Tuesday she brought it up again. My exact response was "if my intense public humiliation means that much to you, I'll do it." She backed off that idea.
So Wednesday night I was laying in bed and replayed those words in my head. What was the issue? That I cared too much about what others were thinking. But wait, I don't think anybody pays an ounce of attention to me in the gym. So really I was holding myself back due to an irrational fear. Well that is no longer acceptable to me. Rational fears I can respect. Not irrational ones.
And what about all that bravado about dares? About having the guts to face down your fears? I lay there thinking if I let this fear hold me back, I was really just a big fraud and should shut down this blog altogether. Then I thought about Carl Edward's abs and fell asleep. With a big smile! But I digress...

So Thursday right as soon as my trainer and I got started, I put it out there. I was doing abs from the floor. Honestly I'm not sure she entirely believed me until I actually got my fat butt on the floor! And after it was over, I got up, ungracefully. And nobody laughed. Nobody was pointing and snickering. That I saw. And even if they were, I didn't care. I had the courage to face down my fear. As small as an achievement as it was, I was on cloud nine.

Gaining confidence in myself has truly been the hardest thing for me on this journey to a new life. I have very little now, but I have more than I had yesterday.

What if...

What if I had never been fat?
Would I have been in the popular crowed? Would I have been a cheerleader, or the Homecoming Queen?
Would I have been a star athlete...a gymnast or a track star?
Would I have married my high school sweetheart much too soon and had five kids and be stuck in a loveless marriage?
Would I have had the confidence to try all those things I wish I had?
Would I have had different career? Would I be a different person altogether?

But I was fat. And I am who I am. And who I am, right now, is exactly who I am supposed to be. This was all pre-ordained. I am becoming a different person on the outside, and a little bit on the inside. But whatever I become, it will always be a product of who I was.
And I like that.

Dare to change your life....

I stumbled on a website in the making by accident a month or so ago. I was looking to make a donation to Lance Armstrong's Live Strong Foundation in honor of my beautiful friend Ellison (and here come the tears again!). But Im a doofus and I typed .com instead of .org. What do ya know...he owns that domain, too. It wasn't live yet, but said it would be about fitness and health. So I left my email and forgot about it. Well it went live last week. And it's really pretty cool, you should check it out! (www.livestrong.COM). So I went to look at what they'd put together, and the slogan they have right under the main banner is "Dare to change your life".
Wow. I like it. Seriously I'd buy a shirt with that if they sold them.
Because think about it. What is a dare? (And I know this all too well, because, as my friends will tell you, I can't walk away from one!) Per Merriam Webster:
Dare
1 a: to challenge to perform an action especially as a proof of courage b: to confront boldly : defy
2: to have the courage to contend against, venture, or try

So. Here we are. Overweight, unhappy, inactive. You know you aren't happy with yourself. Do you DARE to change it? I do. Do you have the courage to contend against the challenge of becoming fit and healthy? Because it's not the easiest thing in the world when you have years of living otherwise. I do. Most days. And on the days I don't have it? Dare me. Dare me to make it a fit and healthy day. I dare you to dare me! Because I can't not do it if you dare me! If I'm freaking out about something that really, in the grand scheme of things is totally inconsequential (like people gossiping about a surgery I never had or the fact that I didn't lose enough weight that week or that I just might not be perfect at this) DARE me to knock it off. Please.

Because I dare to change my life.

When people want to tell you that you can't do this without surgery, or without taking a pill, that's a dare. When people try to cut you down because they're jealous of your success, that's a dare. When people try to push food on you that you don't want (because they don't want to be eating the crap alone) THAT is a dare. They are all dares to keep doing this. BECAUSE THEY DON'T THINK WE HAVE THE GUTS TO DO IT! Keep pushing forward towards your goals. They are DARING us to do it.

By the way. I dare you. Double dog.

I'm in a funk...

The last couple of days I've just felt crappy. I'm tired, I have no motivation, and my mind is starting to get some "stinkin' thinkin." I'm not sure how to put it into words very well. But I feel like I have no confidence in myself and no confidence in what I've accomplished so far. I crave the external validation that I'm doing well, but then when somebody tells me that, I blow it off and assume they're just being nice.
And I know that my validation needs to come from myself, I really do know that. But I just can't seem to find it these last couple of days.
I do take great satisfaction in that, given how funky I've been feeling, I have still been eating well and exercising. I do not have any thoughts in my head of giving up, not by a long shot. I just need to find a way to feel like I'm doing good things.

So I think I'll take a lesson from my favorite movie and think of a few of my favorite things...


There's dirt in my beer! YEEEEEEEEEEEEHAW!


The Beast

My angels. Miss you!




Mmmmmmm....beer! (Gotta have my Shiner!)



If you're gonna send me flowers, make it peonies, please!


I do love a good thunderstorm!

Something to think about....

When you change your thinking,
You change your beliefs.

When you change your beliefs,
You change your expectations.

When you change your expectations,
You change your attitude.

When you change your attitude,
You change your behavior.

When you change your behavior,
You change your performance.

When you change your performance,
You change your life.

No clue who wrote that. I'll try to research it. But how better to sum up how to make a lifestyle change!