It's JUST food!

Seriously, it's JUST food. Why do we give it so much power?
Food is fuel. What is fuel? A source of energy.

When you put fuel in your car, it provides the energy to ultimately make the car run. The car doesn't feel happy. It doesn't feel sad. It doesn't feel anything. The motor just ignites the fuel to use the energy to ultimately propel the car. If you try to put too much gas in the tank, it will spill over but it won't feel guilty. If you flood the engine you wont get the engine to turn over right away but the car doesn't completely give up.

Food is your fuel. Food is not your friend. It is not your enemy. It is not capable of keeping you company. It is not capable of making you feel guilty. It is not your therapist. It is not capable of anything but providing energy.

If you are contemplating eating something, anything, whether its an apple or a Krispy Kreme donut, ask yourself what you're hoping to get out of consuming it. If you're hoping it will quench feelings you don't want to deal with, put it down. If you're hoping it will cure your boredom, put it down. It's just food. I will never do those things for you.

Remove the emotion from food. By all means find tasty fuel, but keep it what it is: fuel.

What messages are you sending.....to YOURSELF?

As I've stated in a previous post, the biggest challenge of losing a significant amount of weight is the mental component. And a huge part of the mental component is the messages, both verbal and non-verbal, that we send to ourselves.

Self talk, for example. Do you tell yourself things like "I can't do it" or "it's too hard" or "I'm not allowed to have that"? So you start to create self fulfilling prophecies. Tell yourself "you can't" enough times, then when you mess up, in your mind you've just proven your point. It's a vicious cycle. Seriously, there is no shame in trying and failing. There isn't. But there is shame in failing because mentally you've convinced yourself it's inevitable. So when you start to tell yourself "you can't", just STOP mid sentence. Replace it with "I can" or "I am going to give it every effort". Imagine the power you can unleash when you start with self fulfilling prophecies based on THOSE messages.

And here's one that really get's me. Let's say somebody offers you something that is not the healthiest choice you could make. How many times have you said "I can't have that"? Here's my beef. First off, that's simply not true. You can absolutely have anything you damn well please. You have the choice. By saying "I can't have that", you've just handed the power and control over to some cosmic universal force that's deciding your food choices. A cosmic, universal force that DOES NOT EXIST. You've set it up on your mind so that something, basically a punishment, is being done TO you. But that's not what this is about. Not if you want to make lasting, lifelong changes. This is something YOU are doing FOR yourself, not TO yourself. OWN IT! You have the power. Realize it and harnass it! I don't think people realize the power they have! I know I didnt for way too many years of my life.

And what about the names we call ourselves? Do you ever call yourself "stupid" or "bitch" or "stupid bitch"? Be honest. I do it. I say I am not seriously meaning to put myself down, but what message am I sending myself? Would you talk to your friends the way you talk to yourself? Why do we insist on less respect from ourselves than we would expect from those who care about us?

There are non verbal messages we send ourselves, too. Like keeping clothes that are too big "just in case". Sure it would really suck to have to spend money to buy bigger clothes if we ended up gaining weight back. But if you keep the clothes in anticipation of that, you've already told yourself you will not be successful at keeping your weight off. Woah up there, Lightning. You just told yourself you know you will not be successful at losing your weight and keeping it off. So why are you even bothering to try if that's the kind of thing you believe? Would you tell your best friend she better keep her 'fat clothes' because surely she'll need them again? I sure hope not. So be your own best friend.

YOU are your best ally in this journey. Don't unwittingly become your worst enemy!

Tired + PMS = Uh Oh

I've like crap the last few days. Not necessarily discouraged, but just blah. And don't even bother to tell me about how far I've come and everything I've accomplished. Because for every one thing you tell me, I can tell you ten other things about how much I have left to accomplish or how my nose is too big or how today nothing just really seems to matter. Today was definitely a 'fake it til you make it' day when it comes to attitude. I did not feel cheerful. I did not feel anything but blah. This all started Sunday. I was so exhausted. Throw on top of that PMS. I did manage to go to the gym for an almost two hour workout, but all I could think about the rest of the day was how bad I wanted a nap (which I never did take. Maybe I should have.)

The only bright spot was that even with feeling like garbage, it never occurred to me to go eat my feelings or skip out on the gym. I'm actually making a plan to get to the gym seven straight days. I guess that's a testament to how much of a lifestyle change this is really becoming.

I just feel like no matter what, I'm never going to be good enough.

So this is no bright shining attempt at a motivational post from me today. This is me, being real, telling you that right now, I just don't feel like anything really matters.

The Zip Line

Thought I'd post some pictures of the zip line tour.

But first let me give a shout out to Cypress Valley Canopy Tours. It was awesome and our guides were so cool! If you're ever in the Austin area, you should for sure check them out! http://www.cypressvalleycanopytours.com/

I had not been terribly anxious about going most of the day. But as soon as we got there I started to feel a bit of anxiety. We got harnessed up and then did a little training on ground level. So far so good.

Then we went to the first platform. My hands were shaking SO badly and my heart was pounding so hard, I thought I would start to hyperventilate. Then my mother asked if I was okay and I seriously almost cried. The guides asked if anybody was nervous and I readily raised my hand. I told them I was scared to death but that was exactly why I was there. So they made me go first. Lovely.
After the first zip was two back to back suspension bridges. The second one they asked us to walk backwards. My mother asked if I could go forwards. They said yes. I didn't want to. Ask my trainer Karen what happens if there is even the slightest suggestion I might fatigue before the end of the set. I'll be damned if I stop three reps short. Thanks Mom, but I'm going backwards. And I did. I even confessed to one of our guides, Katie, that I was working on confronting a lot of my fears, and shared my recent weight loss with her. She was very cool!
By the third zip my hands stopped shaking. It was actually a lot of fun!

So, here is the proof I did it! Those harnesses are NOT flattering. I look horrible. But I don't care!


Getting ready for the first zip





Off I go!



One of the suspension bridges:



It's hard to look pretty in a helmet when you're sweating your butt off!



They call this one The Screamer


Look Ma, no hands! (stepping off the platform with only your toes remaining on and letting go (yes you're still tethered on!)


So there you have it. I did it, and it felt great!
Now if I can get my friends to rig up some kind of video surveillance I'll try to get proof of my next feat of bravery, actually saying "hello" to Cute Work Dude!

My mother always told me not to talk to strangers...

And maybe I took that just a little too literally.
I have very little self confidence. Still. I was the girl who would automatically look down when a stranger approached. And not just true strangers. People in the office I see and don't know, I would just look down. I always hid behind the excuse that I was shy. But you know, although I AM a little shy (only at first, then look out) it really is more a question of not wanting people to see me. Yes, I was 348lbs doing my best to be invisible. I know a few of you get that. But now I don't want to be invisible. I'm certainly not trying to seek out attention, but I don't want to hide inside myself anymore.

So, I'm pushing myself. We can blame this on Mari and Karen, my trainers. They have shown me that I CAN push myself to do things I never thought I could in the gym. But why does it have to stop there? And why can we not still blame them for the things I push myself on outside the gym? :)

For me, the first step in pushing myself is recognizing what my actual fear is.
As far as interacting with people goes, its the fear of rejection. And not romantically, either. Just in general. Men, women, everybody. I think its natural that we want everybody to like us. But the more I think about it, so what if they don't? In all honesty, I don't like everybody I meet. So for me to expect everybody to like me is a bit absurd, don't you think?

So, I am trying to push myself to make eye contact with people. I have gotten fairly good at that, though I noticed I am not the only person who avoids eye contact. Lots of people do. But I intend to make it hard for them to get away with it! The next step is actually speaking! Just a simple hello or good morning. I know this may sound silly but it's so hard for me! But Im pushing!

My precious nephews are in town visiting this week. In a little bit we'll be leaving to go to a water park. Last year when they came, I stayed in the hotel room all day. Not this year. I'm pushing through my fear of people laughing. (And honestly, owning up to the fact that nobody really gives a crap about me and what I wear!)

Then tomorrow we'll be doing a zip line canopy tour, complete with suspension bridges. I am petrified of thinks that aren't stable. (I even have to hold on the bars on the treadmill!) In fact, if you scroll down several posts to my life list you'll see I've got conquering the Capilano Suspension bridge on there. I couldn't do it before. I was petrified. Granted the suspension bridges on this tour aren't nearly as high or long as the Capilano, they scare me. But I'm going to do it.

And again, this is identifying the fear. What Im afraid of? Falling? Honestly the idea of falling and breaking half the bones in my body is much less daunting than the idea of trying to talk to a stranger and getting a brush off or rude response. Seriously!

But living in fear is not living. I want to live.

It's official!

It's official, I no longer have high blood pressure!!

After I LOST (yes, I said LOST) 50lbs, my blood pressure went up. To the point I had to be put on meds. I was humiliated and embarrassed. This is NOT the way it's supposed to work! My doctor tried to assure me that with my strong family history it may not be a weight related thing at all, and even marathon runners can have high blood pressure. Didn't make me feel any better. I swore this was only going to be temporary. AND IT WAS!
Two weeks ago I went to the doctor for a knee problem and my blood pressure was pretty low. I asked how low it would have to get before they'd consider taking me off the meds, and mentioned I'd been getting a lot of dizziness when I stood up, and I didnt even have to be sitting long for it to happen. So the plan was to stop the meds and come back in two weeks to make sure it stayed down. I was so nervous that it would be back up but it was fine! 110/80, off the meds! YAY!!!

Now here's the good news/bad news. You know that nasty 4.4lb gain this week? Turns out there is something called rebound edema that can happen when you stop taking diuretics (which was in my blood pressure meds.) So there's the explanation for my gain. Thats the good news. The bad news? Doc says it can take a few weeks for my body to regulate this out on its own.
Which means the scale may be unpredictable for awhile. I will not have a meltdown. I will not have a meltdown. I WILL NOT HAVE A MELTDOWN!!

Did I mention scales suck?

When you expect a gain at the scale, it may suck but it doesn't really get under my skin. I mean, you know when you've over-indulged a bit what will likely happen.

But when you do everything RIGHT and have a gain, a BIG gain, it really blows. It gets in my head despite knowing I couldn't have done anything "better" in terms of food choices or exercising.

So here's the deal. I went to my Weight Watchers meeting hoping, no expecting, to have a good weigh in. I only lost .2 last week, and usually when I do that it's followed up by a good loss. And not just that, but I totally was 'on plan' with my eating this week, and worked out more than usual. So I hop on the scale hoping that maybe I got to my next 5lb star. Um...not so much. I gained 4.4lbs! Now, here's what I know. I did not by any stretch of the imagination consume enough calories (over 14,000 is what it would take, by the way) to gain 4.4lbs of fat. And before you suggest its a 'muscle weighs more than fat' thing, I also know there is no chance I added 4.4lbs of muscle in a week. Mari the hardbody can't even do that in a week.

I don't feel like I was retaining a lot of water, it's not that time of the month. So in short, I have no explanation for this. And that maybe what's most frustrating. Because if I can't figure it out, how do I keep it from happening again?

I know I can't control my biology, only my actions. But it's still a bitter pill to swallow. Especially when I get that dreaded "how did you do" question. Because you tell most people you gained that much and they figure you went on a Ben and Jerrys bender. But I swear I didnt. And this coming week will be a bit more challenging because my nephews are visiting and I will be faced with a few challenges. And I do not want to have a gain next week. I think I will have a full blown meltdown if I do.

It's all in your head. Well, most of it...

I had a conversation with a woman at the gym yesterday. She said she just "couldn't" stick to her goals.
I just read a post on the Weight Watchers board (one of many) where somebody says they "can't" stay on track, exercise, you name it.

You know what?

They're right. Because they have themselves convinced they can't by repeatedly saying those things. And if you don't believe you can, you're absolutely right, you can't do it.

This weight loss business. It's all in your head. ALL of it. Inherently I think probably all of us know how to eat in a healthy way. Inherently I think all of us know its better for our bodies to get physical activity on a regular basis. That is the easy part. It's the messages in our heads that make this so challenging. Years of feeling we're not worth the effort. Years of being told we can't do it. You name it. All those things still float around in our heads. They float in my head. All the time. You don't have to scroll down many posts to see how often.

So we have to change the messages in our heads. We HAVE to if we want to be successful. This is not optional, its mandatory. And I'll tell you what...inventing a new fangled diet may make you a lot of money, but what will make you rolling in the cash is to invent a surefire way to get a grip on the emotional part of it. That's the magic pill everybody is looking for.

But I don't know if I'd take it. As frustrating and even scary is facing the crap in my head can be, I am actually enjoying figuring out who I really am in here.

A comfort zone, or a prison?

So yesterday was my fourth session with my new trainer. And I've already cried at her. I guess I'm breaking her in faster than Mari! Actually I cried after the session was well over.

I've been struggling with the garbage in my head again. Boy induced, sorta. For the first time in a very long time, I am interested in having a relationship. And there is a guy who has caught my eye. But he has no idea I exist. I have accepted the challenge to make eye contact and smile at him at the next opportunity. But this whole area brings up all of my insecurities, most of which are about my appearance. WHY would he be interested in ME? I'm still so fat. Oh I can buy new cuter clothes and shoes and do my makeup just right, but there's always the fat.

So I didn't cry about the guy to my trainer, but we were just talking about my insecurities in general and that was enough to make me tear up. Because I don't want to be this person. I want to be confident. I want to show the world how good I really feel now. But it's scary. But as scary as it is, I'm trying to face down my fears. I have to. Fear is what got me into this mess, to a (very) large degree. And I'm tired of being a slave to it.

So after the tears, I decided to go to a new class at the gym, Cardio Funk. Talk about fear. I. Have. No. Rhythym. But I figured since I was feeling so crappy, that would be a most excellent time to push through a fear and try it. And it was fun! It's amazing how laughing at yourself can break a funk. I even felt better today!

Fear keeps us in our comfort zone. But really, is it truly a comfort zone, or a prison?

How many crayons are in your box?

And more importantly, how many do you actually use?

I think most of us have at least 64 colors in our box. But it seems like people so often get used to the same two or three and just keep using those over and over. And always staying within the lines.

Well I say POO to that. I want to test out all my colors. And no more staying within the lines and doing what's expected. I'm more than that.

What the hell is this girl talking about, you ask?

I just think people, including me, need to spend more time exploring the wonderful layers and colors of their personalities. I see people who are virtually the same, day in and day out. How can that be? They aren't using enough colors. Explore your box a little!!

Today, I'm magenta!