Bad Choices Don't Make Us Bad People....

I recently heard somebody say they were a bad person. They based their assessment on choices they may have made they thought were perhaps not the best.

If you ever find yourself thinking something like that, STOP IT. This is not necessarily related to diet and exercise, but to self esteem in general (which of course is intricately tied in to weight issues, so maybe it is related, but I digress...)

We have all made bad choices. I know I've made a ton of them in my life. But I refuse to let them define who I am as a person. If you make bad choices and let them define you as a bad person, you start to believe you aren't worth the good choices. So you keep making bad choices. Vicious, draining and totally self defeating cycle. You keep opting for the bad choices. You can apply that across the board: food, relationships, whatever it is.

If you recognize that you're making a choice you aren't really comfortable with yet you keep making it over and over and over, ask yourself something. What is it I'm hoping __________(fill in the blank)will do for me? Particularly emotionally. Chances are, it's not really giving you what you're hoping it will. You keep making that same choice because you don't want to face down what it is that's really the issue. But even then, that does NOT make you a bad person. (Of course we're not talking about mass murderers, child molesters and serial rapists here...)

We have to deal with our issues. Let's take food, for example. If you have used food in the past as a way to try to deal with problems, and you suddenly take that option away but haven't dealt with the issues, chances are you'll just find something else. In fact, there have been studies done on people with food addictions who had weight loss surgeries. A good many of them simply traded in the food addiction for another addiction (sex, shopping, gambling.) We are emotional creatures. Our emotions drive so much of what we do. We have to get in touch with them, even the hard ones that scare the crap out of us.

But please, please, please...don't let bad choices make you believe you're a bad person. Self-esteem is a nebulous (and for me lately, rather a capricious) thing. Don't just hand it away! Fight for it!

An Open Letter to People Who Have Pizza Delivered to a GYM!

Dear Massage Therapist Lady at the Gym:

You did realize you were working in the lobby of a gym today, right? You do realize that ordering a pizza to the gym is, well, a little off-putting to some of the people actually at the gym to bust their asses into shape, right? Okay so you were hungry. But you did sit IN THE LOBBY of the gym to eat said pizza. You do realize those of us there pushing weights around could smell it, right? Sure you did. You realized all of those things but couldn't have cared less.

I do realize the world doesn't revolve around MY needs and expectations. However I do try to be at least cognizant of the world around me and be respectful of it. I wouldn't sit in the lobby of an AA meeting with a big bottle of Crown and start drinking it, just because I wasn't an alcoholic.

Don't think I won't be mentioning this to the gym manager, either. It's unprofessional for you to have been sitting IN THE LOBBY stuffing your pie hole. I realize you might get hungry, but at least next time bring an apple with you.

An Open Letter to Karen (my evil yet angelic trainer)

Dear Karen:
I hope you had a nice week off. I missed seeing you in the gym. I did flirt with the idea of taking a week off the gym myself, but decided that was not a wise thing to do. So I thought I'd give you a rundown of my week. Why? Well sometimes I feel like I go too easy on myself the days I don't work with you.
So first off, instead of doing weights Saturday, Tuesday and THursday, I did weights Saturday, Monday, Wednesday and Friday. On Saturday I just did 32s, three sets of everything. On Monday I did the cardio intervals, one minute between the weights. That was fun. And it didn't seem very hard. So I mentioned it to a friend at work. She said to do two minute intervals. That kicked my butt. But why stop there? Tonight (Friday) I did three minute intervals. I am actually too tired to yawn. I didn't think I'd be able to do any cardio after the weight/cardio intervals, but I managed to stay on the elliptical for 30 minutes.
I have no idea how this will show up at the scales tomorrow, but I know I worked hard.

Just wanted you to be proud!

I admit it. Im afraid to fail.

I don't really like to attempt things I don't think I any chance of doing well. I admit it. It may be a stupid way to go through life, but that's just the way I am. I don't like to go too far out on the limb in a lot of areas.

So a few days ago my trainer, Evil Angel Karen, mentions how she and her sister in law at one point were training for a half marathon and wouldn't that be fun. I rolled my eyes, I'm sure. Even if I managed to just roll them internally.

So yesterday she tells me how fired up she is, and I should do this. You know, I don't know Karen well, but I thought I knew her well enough that it surprised me to see she obviously smokes crack. Me? Run a half marathon? Me even walk a half marathon? Seriously. I may not be big as a house anymore, but I am the size of a small condo. But I said I'd try. Why on Earth did I say that? (One of these days I'll get better control of this mouth of mine...)

I've seen people talk about the C25K (Couch to 5K) running program and really thought I'd like to try that. Someday. Someday when I'm less fat. But that's 5k. Not a half marathon!

So I've said before, the key to being successful in weight loss is believing you are capable of doing it. And that applies to anything, really. Let me just put this out there right now: I don't believe I can do this. Not yet. But I will try.

As I was on the treadmill today I thought about a couple of things. The first is something Kevin, a fellow Weight Watcher, said to me the other day when I was whining about something. He said "Success is not always the outcome. Sometimes it's the process." I'm applying that to this situation. Success may very well not be me finishing a half marathon six months from now. Success may be the fact that I gave it everything I had to try.

Which leads me to the other thing I was thinking. Failure wouldn't be to not finish it. Failure would be to not even bother trying.

Thank You!

I just wanted to post a quickie to all those who've left comments or dropped me an email. It's sometimes a little scary putting some of this stuff that's in my head out there, knowing that people are actually reading it. (I truly started this blog more as a journal for myself, but figured I'd be brave and make it public.) Your comments and emails TRULY inspire me. For those who've said I inspire them, I have to be honest. That absolutely floors me. If you knew me in person you'd think I was a giant goofball, anything but inspiring. (And those who do know me can tell you, I AM a giant goofball!) I don't think of myself as inspiring in any way, shape or form. Just a person on a mission to get healthy, who happens to be doing it in a noticeable way. (A double edged sword sometimes, I can assure you.)

So again, thank you for all your support! You all ROCK!

I didn't want to lose my crunk!

I had every intention of going to the gym this morning. I always go on Sunday mornings. I'm always there within five minutes of the door opening so I can get in, do my thing, then get on with my day. But I woke up this morning and I didn't feel like it.


I went anyway. And, oh yeah, I ran for two minute intervals this time. (And oh yeah, Karen...after 30 minutes on the treadmill I did intervals on the elliptical for 30 minutes the way you told me and by the end I got up to resistance of 15. And you said I could only maybe do 20 minutes to start. Do you do that on purpose? Tell me I can only do something for a shorter time or fewer reps than you know Im capable of just to light that competitive fire? Love you! You're evil, but I love you!)

So why did I force myself to go? Well I didn't want to lose my crunk. Yesterday I got a tad carried away with some chocolate chips. It's over, it's done and I'm sure as hell not going to beat myself up over it. But if I gave in to my lazy feelings of not wanting to go today, I was afraid that might break the stride I'm in, so to speak. New behaviors take time to make them into habits. Old habits take minutes to take hold and take over. I don't want that to happen.

Let's face it, there are times when sticking to a new lifestyle is easy. It all feels good and like sunshine and teddy bears. You're seeing consistent results, it's new, fresh and exciting. You do the work but none of it seems like true effort. That's all well and good.

But there are times when it doesn't feel like sunshine and teddy bears. It feels like work. Hard work. You may do everything right and the scale won't budge. Its no longer warm and fuzzy. This is the make or break time. Don't let it break you. Even if you screw up a little. That does not have to break you. This is the time, I think, when pushing yourself to do the things you don't FEEL like doing are going to give you dividends far, far into the future. THIS is the time you're ingraining those behaviors into habits. If you can do it when it's hard, and when you dont FEEL like it, how awesome is that? This is where we separate the men from the boys! So man up and do it, even if you're a hot chick!

And why do I keep putting FEEL in all caps? Well, because we need to get a grip on the FEELINGS behind all of this. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are. But examine where they are coming from and where, if you don't check yourself, they might lead you.

Truth be told there are plenty of times I don't FEEL like working out. I don't FEEL like making something healthy for dinner. I FEEL like getting McDonald's and sitting on the couch. Those times are when I need to figure out why I FEEL like that and figure out what the real solution is. Because I don't want to lose my crunk!

This just in!

I actually jogged yesterday! Yep, I did! I have always planned to try running one of these days, when I was thinner. But yesterday I thought, what the heck!? So I ran on the treadmill. Only a minute at a time, but I RAN!!

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

This is the Kanji symbol meaning "strength" or "power".

And I just got this tattooed on my ankle. (Sorry mom, if you read this!)

Why did I do that?

It wasn't so long ago, if you asked me to describe myself, I would never have included the word "strong". Not by a long shot.

Let me bust a few skeletons out of my closet to tell you a little about me. I have been heavy since early childhood. At one point I joined a Weight Watchers at Work program and lost a good amount of weight. (But I was definitely dieting then, not making lifestyle changes. That's a whole other story, though!) About that time, a few things happened. Bad choice in men, well really just one bad choice. The family that I grew up in was falling apart. And I was about to turn 29. At the time, that represented to me the fact that I would probably never have kids. I could rationalize why but that's really beside the point. But, it all added up to depression. For awhile the depression was managed well with medications. But I put all the weight I'd lost back on, and then some. I frankly did not care.
So the depression was pretty well controlled for a number of years, then things just went South. I had a chronic pain condition, and I'd volunteered to help start up a new office in my company (same city.) Turns out that was a huge mistake. I began to really hate my job. I should have gone to my doctor and told him the anti-depressants were no longer keeping things under control. But I didn't. Every day I told myself 'tomorrow will be better'. It never was. I almost lost everything.
All of that eventually lead to me hauling off to Florida to work at a stressful job for 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. And you know what? Even with that, I started feeling good enough to taper off the anti depressants. When I finished that job, I went back to California, packed up, sold my house and moved to Texas. I really think the 'change of scenery' and stepping out of my old life was what needed to happen.

And I am a different person now. I'm happy. I'm taking control of my life. The weight is coming off. Corny as it sounds, I feel like a butterfly making it's way out of a cocoon.

So what does this have to do with strength? Back on my darkest days, I never believed I had any strength. None. Life was just happening around me. I didn't think I was really capable of making any changes. Or WORTH THE EFFORT to make any changes.

I made a decision a long time ago to not ever regret anything. There is no point. Regret won't undo anything. Regret is just making sure your emotional baggage is packed and stowed away in your brain, making you feel bad. Regret is useless. Everything is an opportunity to learn. If I can look back on those things and say that I've learned something, it was all worth it. I will not regret any of those things that happened in the past. They all needed to happen. I needed to be the person I was then in order to be the person I am now. I truly believe that.

This last couple of years has shown me that I am capable of so much more than I ever gave myself credit for. I'm stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. And I got the tattoo as an ever present reminder to myself that I AM strong and to never lose sight of that.