The Dark Post...

I have been working on this entry for a few days, longer in my head really, but have been dragging my feet with posting it. Because it's scary to put it out there. And believe me, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I think I'm beyond the point of saying I'm losing it. I think I've already lost it. I am consumed with anxiety. And fear. I don't know how to let go of it. Its two things. It's the whole weight loss thing, and another thing, the details of which I wont get into, but its got me wrapped up in knots, produced three anxiety attacks to date, and I feel like there isn't much I can do about it. At least not right now.

The weight loss part of it is all about control, I think. Or not. Im not sure. I don't know how to let go. (Not let go as in give up, let go as in relax the death grip a little bit.) I feel like I should release it, but I'm scared. Because doesn't it make sense that if the exercising and eating that I do now aren't producing the results, I should exercise more and eat less? I mean really, that's how its supposed to work. But now I'm analyzing everything, to the point of over-analyzing. And that leads to more stress.

Except that its not working that way for me. And it's turned into a pretty wicked case of self loathing. Something I had come so, so far on. Something I've struggled with my WHOLE life. And I had come so far with it. And in the course of a few months, I'm back to hating my very existence. And pretty convinced everybody else does, too. Even the people that care.

And the bottom line is, I'm scared. After feeling like I hit rock bottom last week, I called for approval to see a counselor. Hopefully that will happen quickly. I don't even know why I'm posting this.

Reality Check

I had a reality check (or two or three) today.

After last Saturday's minor meltdown, I asked one of the trainers at my gym if I could meet with her. She isn't one of the trainers I've worked with directly, but she has lost a lot of weight herself, so I thought in addition to her professional expertise, she may have some personal experience with what I'm going through. Not that I expected her to have the magic answer.

And while she has some ideas on what I might do, more importantly she said some things that put a lot of this into perspective for me.

So here are some highlights of what I came away from our conversation with:

--I need to stop downplaying my past success. It does matter. Regardless of what's going on now.

--While getting to a certain size or weight may be a goal, the bigger goal is to be healthy, no matter what size or weight I am.

--To think about, when I start feeling completely consumed by the "tragedy" I've made out of not losing actual pounds these last months, some of the other ladies at our gym. Who are battling cancer. Who have had some really crappy things happen to them. You know, REAL problems. It's okay to be frustrated, but in the grand scheme of things, I think I live a pretty blessed life and have so much more in my life to be thankful for than for those things I have to be depressed about.

And some of the things she said she's felt, I swear if I kept a journal I'd believe she stole it and read it. It helps to know others have been there.

So bottom line, I am going to keep doing what I know. Yes, we're going to be strapping a heart rate monitor to me for two weeks so we can determine if Im eating the right amounts for my activity level, but Im going to continue to make the healthy choices and not be so wrapped up in the emotional crap I've let build up. I have often said to Jessica that I feel like, to some people, my weight loss is the sum total of who I am, and I hate that. HATE IT. And yet, I've let my lack of weight loss recently become the sum total of who I am in my own mind. I have to stop that.

I have to stop worrying about people who don't believe in plateaus, or think I exercise a lot so I can eat boxes of Twinkies. Or that there is only one way to define a fit and healthy person.

I know what I do. I know where I've been. And I know where I'm going.

Just when you thought it was safe....

So at last Saturdays weigh in, I had a loss and reached an all-time low. That was three weeks in a row of losses (two of them rather small, but they were losses). I was hopeful but not ready to declare the plateau over. (Oh, and I know there are some people who think plateaus aren't real, and its just a question of compliance. Yeah. Right. But I'll leave that conversation for another day and another audience.)
Two weeks ago I added another spin class to my workout schedule. I worked out a lot this week (51APs for you Weight Watchers). I was hopeful. I want so badly for that scale to start moving again.

I went to weigh in this morning. It moved. A big move. The wrong way. W. T. F?

I am hanging on by a thread and its fraying.

But I am going to keep working hard. I have to. And I want to. I just need something to go right.