Mind games and more mind games...

I still believe I am completely incapable of doing things I know (and have proven) I am totally capable of doing.

Best examples: Every Sunday is a spin endurance class. The first three Sundays of the month are 90 minutes, the last Sunday of the month is 2 hours. Yes, spin. The very class I told myself I was too fat to try. (And by the standards I was using, I still am. And that was a year ago.) So I've been doing this endurance class most of the last year. And yet, every week I am sure I am not capable of of this class. I somehow manage to push that to the back of my head and just tell myself to try. If I can't finish the class, I can't. But I do. And yet the next week we go through the same thing.

I'm not really sure what's really going on in my head that brings this on every week. I know people look at me and would never assume I take spin, let alone an endurance class. But why do I think that about myself?

Obstacles or Opportunities?

Today started out pretty well. I had to do a repeat sleep study last night to see if I still had sleep apnea and needed to use a CPAP. Sleep apnea was one of the few concrete manifestations that all that extra weight was hard on my body. I wanted to wait to re-do the sleep study until I had lost "enough" weight. (Feel free to roll your eyes here.) I just didn't want to have to keep doing these studies if, realistically, the fact that I'm still this heavy would likely mean the sleep apnea was still hanging around. But, I gave in to my doctor (this time) and went for the study. Although they can't tell me the official results yet, I am quite certain since they never came in for "part two", where they calibrate what your cpap settings should be, that I no longer need one! (I did get the tech to smile and nod her head at my assumption.)

But then I drove 45 minutes to get to my Weight Watchers meeting. The scale was unkind. Terribly unkind. And not all of it unfairly, I admit. But I took it as a crushing blow. I cried a little bit when my friend got to the meeting. I started to feel the tiniest bit hopeless.

I came home, tearing up off and on. I let myself feel it. Then I gave it a time limit. I can sit around and be mad, sad, full of self doubt, whatever it needed to be. Until time was up.

I believe people, events, situations, etc. are put in our lives on purpose. Nothing is random. I don't think so, anyway.

So the question is, these people, events and situations--they can be pleasant or unpleasant. Either way, we have a choice. We can make them opportunities or obstacles. It's all how we play it.

I'm choosing opportunity.

Sometimes...

Sometimes you find encouragement and motivation in the least expected places. Or people. For me, it's not that I don't expect people can be encouraging or motivating, it's that I won't let them get in far enough to do it. I did that yesterday with two different people. It was both terrifying and liberating. And to them I say, THANK YOU!

Consider the source....

So yesterday I had an encounter that, without going into details, was something that could have rocked my confidence, if I'd let it. Basically, somebody came up to me and a friend from work that I was working out with, and asked if I was "new to the gym" and "a beginner". I let that irritate me for about 15 seconds, and then I had to consider the source. She doesn't remember me, and there's a good reason for that.

When other people say random things to me, I have to again consider the source. Do they know anything about me? Most of the time they really don't. I often let those random comments bother me way too much. But I have to consider the source.

But really, the source I have to consider and take to heart the most is me. What am I telling myself? That's really the only source that matters.

Tap Tap Tap...Is this thing on?

I'm pretty sure at this point I've probably lost most of my followers. But that's okay, because when I started this blog, I never expected anybody to read it in the first place!

Okay, so what's the deal with me, anyway? Where do I start. I'll start by saying that things SEEM to be moving again. Seem to be. I'm cautiously optimistic. I first have to confess that after months and months (AND MONTHS) of a plateau, I started to slip up in the attitude department. I never gave up. EVER. But I started to make more bad choices than I should have, because I started to believe I had no control. But I know that's absolutely not true. Whether that stupid scale moves or not isn't in my control. Everything else is. So I'm back to being accountable. Perfect? No. Accountable? Yes.

This is such a mental process. Things have happened this past year that have rocked my confidence and chipped away at some of the progress I'd made in the self esteem department. It took me a little bit too long and way too much justification of some crappy behavior aimed my direction to come to the realization that it all had an effect on me and in turn, my work at losing weight. It made me want to be invisible again. Well, game over, creep. I've rebounded, and you're still a jerk.

But it just reminds me that I have to believe I'm worth all the effort, and yes, it is a lot of effort, for me to succeed at this.

It occurred to me today that despite my frustration, stall, slips ups, etc, that not once did it ever occur to me that I would not reach my goal. Never. Because I will. I don't know when. And that's okay. I just know I will.