Stepping back to push forward...

I didn't weigh in today at Weight Watchers. I had planned on that. I made that decision, after talking with my consiglieres, because I need to find a little peace with the scale right now. And going in every week and getting a little bit of a smackdown is not bringing me peace. At all. Not any small bit of it. Yes, I know the scale isn't everything. TRUST me when I say I know that. I have now been lectured by exercise professionals, Weight Watchers staff, people who have lost a lot of weight, and my own doctor about this fact and that I should not be panicked about this, that I'm not panicked. Because I KNOW what I'm doing on my end. And I know it will catch up on the scale someday. But week after week, I go in there with such high hope that THIS IS THE WEEK I breakthrough, and when it doesn't happen, I am so deflated. I cannot begin to tell you how much it makes me feel like I'm failing at this. (And please spare me the 'no you aren't' lecture because my feelings are what the are, right wrong or indifferent.)
So I decided the scale can't have that power on me this week. And it may not next week. I'm still going to the meetings, and I'm still working as hard as I can at making the best choices. But when I'm struggling so hard right now to be able to celebrate what I HAVE accomplished, the weekly "you suck" from the scale makes that harder and harder to do.

When I grow up...

I want to be a personal trainer.

(Pausing to let you all get the chuckles out of your system.)

I want to be able to inspire and motivate people as much as Karen and Mari have inspired and motivated me. I am living proof you can do more than you ever believed you'd ever be capable of, with the right cheerleaders in your corner.

It's a little weird to say I'd like to be a trainer so publicly, because I still think it's a ridiculously silly idea. But its in my head.

You can't BS a BSer...

I am proud of myself. Last night I was at a party when the topic of working out came up. Mostly the topic was why people weren't doing it. I was proud that I kept my fat mouth in check.

Here's the thing...anybody trying to look my way for validation of their personal excuses for not doing it aren't going to get very far. You can't BS a master BSer. When it comes to bad eating choices and not exercising, there is nothing you can say to me, other than a legitimate health reason, that will make me want to put my arm around you and justify the excuses. Because there is not one single excuse you can pull on me that I haven't pulled in my lifetime. Not one. There is away around pretty much all of them, if you're willing to look for that way.

Even more than that, though, is you just have to look within yourself to decide what you want, and what you have to do to get there. I absolutely guarantee you that while the excuses may get you out of doing something, they will not get you to your goals. Period.

For the casual acquaintances, I just don't say much, unless they ask. But for my friends, be warned. Expect to be called out. You cant bullshit a master bullshiter.

What if I say I will never surrender?

I'm borrowing song lyrics again. But that's what it comes down to. It's a battle between me and that nagging voice of self doubt that fills my head with crap. What if I say I will never surrender? Because, frankly, I won't.

The time for self-pity (and self-loathing) is over. O-V-E-R. It was over before I got some potentially good news on Thursday. I can't control it all. I can sure has hell control my actions, though.

Maria reminded me of something. This is easy when you got constant positive feedback. It's hard when that feedback is not so forthcoming. Well guess what? I'm not afraid of hard work. I'm not. I'm not afraid to continue to bust my ass every day. (Well almost every day. If it were actually every day The Evil One Legged Squat Monster would get on my case again...) I'm not afraid to face down the tough times. I am stronger than that. I am. (And I might just have 6.6 more pounds of muscle to prove it!)

The reality is....

I'm starting to get a little consumed with the "I can't" mentality.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Nothing is working. Nothing. Please, really please, just spare me the "but look at what you've accomplished" comments, too. Because right now that means absolutely nothing to anybody, especially me. If you haven't been in this position, you wouldn't know how it feels to bust your ass every day, EVERY DAY and get nothing in return for it. They say to eat more. I do that. Nothing. They say add more protein. I do that. Nothing. They say take rest days. I do that. Nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. I go to spin class this morning and truly felt like I had no business being there. None. At the start of the cool down, I quite literally had to fight back the tears. Because I just worked as hard as I could for 90 minutes of spinning and yet the message going through my head was "you're a fraud and a phoney and there is very little point trying to pretend otherwise. You're still too fat to spin."

This totally sucks.