From Fat Ass to Badass!

2012-01-22T16:11:00.000-06:00

Like this blog? Then please come follow me at Half The Girl.I will never delete this blog as I always want access to the journal of my journey from the very beginning, but all updates on my progress, as well as recipes and other fun stuff, can be found on the new blog.Hope to see you all there!

An Open Letter to....Me.

2012-01-08T18:57:00.001-06:00

Hey there kiddo! How's it going? I just wanted to check in with you before we get too far into 2012.If there is one theme for this year I really want you to remember and grab hold of, it's that this is the year you make yourself a priority. I mean TRULY make yourself a priority. You have your own goals and dreams that are important to you. You know you've worked hard at them (most of the time), but you so quickly sacrifice your needs and wants to help others. Don't get me wrong, helping others is who you are, it's part of what defines you. But you all too often let it take priority. And all too often you see that when it's time for you to look for some support it's not always easy to find. You've always been something of a rock for others, so maybe they just don't see you as needing from others. Regardless, you have to rely on yourself. So rather than be disappointed in the shortcomings of others, take care of your needs and you know they'll be met, right? I'm really proud of you for signing up for that new exercise group without worrying about how it would effect your availability. I know you believe in yourself, kiddo, so I know you're going to get to your goal. I would love for that to happen this year, but just remember this is about the journey, not about the destination. You'll get there right exactly at the right time. The longer it takes, the more I believe you are making all these changes truly for life. Give yourself a little grace once in a while, will ya? You are a great person. You're a great friend to many people. You have a big heart. Sometimes having a heart that big makes it an easy target, but you have to stop thinking everything is your fault. It never was when you were a kid, you just made an easy target then, too.Really, the bottom line is it's okay to love yourself. It's okay to be exactly who you are. Continue to expect a lot from yourself because you DO have the capacity to deliver. Just take things one day at a time, moment by moment.

Happy New Year!

2012-01-01T12:47:00.001-06:00

2011 is history. Unchangeable. Done. Over. Finito. 2012 is here, and with it a chance for change, growth and, well, kicking ass. It's my year, and I'm living this one for ME. I've been thinking quite a lot about what living for me should look like. It's a work in progress, but this is my personal prescription for 2012.--First and foremost: be more mindful, more present. This one is going to be a big challenge for a died in the wool over-thinker. "Let it come. Let it Be. Let it Go." This is SO not my nature. But I truly feel learning to be more mindful will make me a happier person. --Push Back. This is a direct instruction from my therapist. Push. Back. Stop taking it from the people in your life without pushing it back. Believe it or not, this is going to take practice in mindfulness. Because generally I push it down instead of out, and it festers. No more. That's a spirit killer right there.--Embrace who I am. Yeah, again, this is a terrible area for me. But I want to own who I am. Flaws and all. And be proud of it. And if I'm an inspiration along the way, I'm just going to go with it!--Balance. I need balance in a lot of areas. Mainly my over-training tendencies. And beating myself up when I don't work out too much. And feeling like I owe everybody an explanation. --Change. Simply summed up, some things need to change. I need a new perspective, new attitude, new habits.2012 is the year to make it happen. (At least until the world ends!)

Goodbye, 2011. Hello the rest of my life.

2011-12-17T21:06:00.001-06:00

Well, 2011 is sure not the year I had hoped or imagined it would be. Last year at this time I thought 2011 was going to be a great year for me. I was going to have the opportunity to work as a personal trainer! I had big ideas to start a blog that would help reach and inspire people. Certainly I was going to be much closer to my weight loss goal. But none of those things happened. 2011 denied my dream to work as a trainer (at least for the foreseeable future). That led to my changing gyms which resulted in losing a huge chunk of my support system. One of my oldest friends (and at that time my roommate) went off the deep end and disappeared. It was almost a week before we were relieved to find out he wasn't dead. That was a week I hope I never come close to reliving again. Ever. I lost three dear friends. I got two of them back. The third is a lost cause, which is heartbreaking. My mother has been struggling with some things and that's been hard to watch. And I am no closer to my goal weight than I was a year ago. That's the reader's digest version of my year. There were some things to be proud of, to be sure. I attempted my first 5k. I finished the Warrior Dash. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone physically over and over this year. And while I'm not any closer to my goal weight, I'm not any farther, either. And after this year, that is saying A LOT. I need to take a little more credit for that, really. So as 2011 comes to an end, I am looking forward, not looking back. As much as I would love to change almost everything about this year, I can't. All I can do is reframe, refocus and redefine my dreams. Ever onward.

I came. I saw. I was a warrior!

2011-11-19T17:26:00.001-06:00

I'm too tired to write much (and there's an ice pack waiting for my knee... But here's some fun proof that I did it and got nice and dirty! It was a blast! And off all the obstacles, the only one I couldn't conquer was purely because of a mental thing...I tackled everything else! Thanks to Karen for suggesting (making?) this!

Failure isn't just not an option, it's not even a possibility!

2011-11-18T18:57:00.001-06:00

It's finally here! Tomorrow at 10:00am I'll take off on the Warrior Dash. A three mile obstacle course. Of course I really want to do well and dominate at every obstacle. Chances are pretty good that I won't. But no matter what happens, I can't fail. As long as I'm pushing myself and giving it all the determination I have, I just can't fail. Because I showed up. Because I no longer will be satisfied with assuming I can't do things or I should wait to try. Because I have the heart and soul to aspire for so much more. I have the desire to push myself beyond what's comfortable and safe. It's easy to do that when you know you just can't fail. Just because you showed up.

Allowing 5 minutes for self doubt, then onward!

2011-11-13T16:29:00.001-06:00

A week from right now it will be all over. The Warrior Dash. I've been so pumped for this, I can't believe it's six short days away! Except for the day I signed up, today was the first day I doubted myself. I looked at the course and they've added some obstacles that will definitely be challenging. For a brief moment I felt a little panic, and thought maybe this was a bad idea. But I was able to shut that voice up pretty quickly. I am not running this race for time, style or finesse. I'm running this race for sheer fun and to see what I CAN do, not get hung up on what I can't. If I can't complete an obstacle, oh well! It's only going to eliminate me from collecting a first place prize. That wasn't going to happen regardless! I am making this promise to myself right now: You get five minutes of self-doubt on race morning. And then it's balls out, go hard, push myself harder than I think is possible. I will leave NOTHING at the start line. Nothing. It's about time I start realizing challenges are about facing them head on and not judging yourself on your performance.

This is who I am!

2011-11-06T18:38:00.001-06:00

I feel a strange sense of peace and balance. It might even be happiness and contentment. I can't even explain exactly why. Certainly finding an amazing therapist has been a huge part of it. And actually embracing what he says is certainly helpful! I don't have all the things in my life lined up perfectly that I'd like to have, but I'm happy, right now. I believe in myself. I really am starting to feel like I am becoming the person I was supposed to be all along. I don't know how to elaborate on that really. So I won't. This is who I am. And I love it!

October 23 is the start of a new phase!

2011-10-23T18:34:00.002-05:00

The phase is High Gear. Your challenge, should you accept it, is to park your bad attitude, your excuses, your "poor me", your self-doubt and wavering confidence at the curb. Right next to the trash cans so the trash guys will pick them up and haul them off. No room for any of that in this phase. High Gear is about pushing past all of that. I CAN do it. And here are my specific goals.I will: --Be proud of every effort I make, every day. I will tell myself every day that I'm awesome. And that my awesomeness doesn't come at the expense of anybody else. We can all be awesome.--live today for today, and make the most of it. I will wake up every day ready to take on the world with vigor AND a smile. I won't worry about tomorrow. I will not ponder yesterday unless I can learn from it.--take on challenges.--stop thinking people doubt me. If they do, let em. Either way, I care about what I think of my abilities. --stop putting myself down. That's going to be a hard habit to break, but I will do my best. (On my honor, I will try --- yeah, I was a Girl Scout!)--not waste a single day. I will live every day as a gift and treat it with the respect it deserves.--not hold a place of anger in my heart for people who hurt me. I don't have room for those people or that poison in my heart. I need the room to expand my cardiovascular capacity anyway. :) --not assume I can't do something until I've tried and proven I can't. And even then I will just use that as a measure from which to improve. --KICK SOME ASS!Anybody with me?

Out with the old, in with the new...

2011-10-13T19:25:00.000-05:00

Or something like that. The last few weeks have been a good time for me to examine a lot of things, including my goals, etc. I'm not saying it's not still ultimately a goal to be an employed personal trainer some day, but I think right now that's just not what I'm supposed to be focusing on. I never did much with the anybodycanfitness.com site, for a number of reasons. So I'm going to put that on ice for now. Instead, I'm going to focus on a more personal version of the basic concept. Ultimately my passion is to help people see that they can achieve whatever they want to, if they are willing to work hard enough and believe in themselves. I think a more personal approach may be a better way, but not as personal as this blog is---my personal yet very public diary! So I'm starting a blog at www.half-the-girl.com. Very much a work in it's infancy at the moment, but the good news is that I'm excited again! I forgot what that felt like! It's pretty awesome!

Do you believe you deserve to be happy, thin and healthy?

2011-10-09T18:05:00.001-05:00

I had that question posed to me within the first 10 minutes or so of my first counseling session. I had to answer honestly (or what would be the point, right?) I told him up until the last couple of weeks, I was convinced I must not deserve to be happy. I could manage getting thin and healthy, but it just seemed like happy wasn't going to happen. And I was starting to accept it. Good thing I finally had a hard epiphany that it was a complete load of crap. I deserve happiness just as much as you do. We all do. And it's all up to me. Well, not your happiness. :) And it may sound like I'm repeating myself, and I probably am, but if we don't believe we have the inalienable right to be happy, then we're going to look for ways to find unhappiness. I'm too old to for that. I WANT to be happy. After deciding that, I've had a couple of really great weeks in my little world. ANd at the scale. Go figure!!

Pick Me! Pick Me!!

2011-10-07T18:40:00.000-05:00

Help a girl out, will ya!?My recipe is one of the five finalists picked for a little contest over on the Gold's Gym Facebook page. The winner will be decided by the most "likes". Please go over and "like" my recipe for dirty quinoa!
Ginny's Dirty Quinoa

47 Days until.....

2011-10-02T17:41:00.001-05:00

The Warrior Dash!
I can't wait! I made a comment on Facebook that one day I'd like to do something like the Tough Mudder. Not nearly ready for that (for starters, it's a ten mile course!)My former trainer saw that and suggested we do the Warrior Dash. At first I thought I should wait---I surely wasn't capable of that. But the more I thought about it, the more I thought, why not? I can run 5k now. The obstacles don't look completely undoable for me. And bottom line, I figured, was it's a race where you're playing in the mud, so shouldn't I just have fun with it and try the best I can? Who cares if I can't do it fast or gracefully! So I went straight home and signed up. And you know what? I was excited about something for the first time in months and months and months. And months. I was smiling! The first thing to pull me out of this prolonged funk was having a goal, something to challenge myself with. And I've thrown myself into it head first. Well, really feet first. :)
This, boys and girls, is what crazy Aunt Ginny can't wait to do:

I'm standing in my own way. Again. I hate it when that happens.

2011-09-30T20:13:00.000-05:00

I had really thought my next blog would be about the exciting thing I'm doing in exactly 49 days. But, that'll have to wait. (Sorry for the tease! Promise I'll talk about that soon.) In the meantime, you should probably go get a snack and get comfortable. It's time for me to come clean.

I've made no progress so far this year at the scale to speak of. I've undoubtedly toned up and increased my overall fitness, but the weight loss stalled. And this time it's not the dreaded plateau. It's me. I've been standing in my way. I've been subtly sabotaging myself. Not by sneaking in pints of Ben and Jerry's or midnight trips to the McDonald's drive-thru. No, by tearing my whatever smidgen of self-esteem and sense of self-worth I'd managed to claim for myself into hundred's of little pieces and tossing them into the wind. Okay, perhaps that imagery is not very subtle. But that's pretty much what I did. I've blamed it all on the disappointments and 'emotional' upheavals that lined up like waves stacked on the horizon. Those events, etc have been quite real and quite distressing. But I let them determine how I felt about MYSELF. Not the events or relationships. MYSELF.

One of my biggest issues is that I've always looked for validation from external sources. I have not been able to sustain any kind of validation that comes from myself, to myself. And to make it even worse, I yearn for external validation, but then promptly dismiss it when it comes along. The bottom line, that I finally need to face head-on, is that my self-esteem has been broken for SO long I am really incapable of fixing it on my own. And I'll be honest, I sometimes worry that it's so screwed up it's beyond fixing. But I have to try.
I have to. I have proven to myself that I'm not afraid of hard work or a challenge. I expect this process to be both. I have fleetingly considered getting back into therapy over the last couple of years, but I didn't. I stood in my own way. And I've spent a good portion of the last couple of years living so far below my potential level of happiness. I don't think I wanted to see that I was doing it to myself. But it's time to deal with all of the "it's". The it's I know and the it's I don't. And oddly (or not), as soon as I started the process to find a compatible therapist and schedule the appointment, I felt emotionally better than I have in months and months.

Everybody has their kryptonite. I'm just tired of mine being...me.

Sometimes I forget....

2011-09-18T13:41:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I forget I'm not the same person I was five years ago. Ten years ago. Or more accurately, I forget that I don't have to be.This year has been rough. This week almost did me in. I let the actions of one person send me running back to the old me. It started with a jar of Nutella and a spoon. A few days later that turned into Xanax and tequila. And a lot of self pity. I didn't want to feel anything. Not the frustration of a year that's been one disappointment or challenge after another. Not the self-loathing for not having accomplished anything this year. Not the constant reminder from the "experts" that I am, as of yet, not a success. Not the anger and hurt over repeatedly being treated so hurtfully and disrespectuflly by somebody I held in high regard. And while I'd love to trade in any one of those things and not HAVE to feel any of it, it's what I have. It is what it is. So, I can go back to the old me. Or not. I can turn all of this into drive and passion to not let anything, anyone, any organization take away from me what I've worked so, so hard for. I'm better than that. My sister in law reminded me of something. "Courage cries, too". I can be sad, and I can be hurt, but I can still be courageous. I can still push on for the things and the people that mean the most to me. And cry if I have to. So she may have taken a few days off, but the badass will be back at 5am tomorrow morning. Do not get in her way.

Stronger Than....

2011-09-11T11:22:00.004-05:00

There's a major national gym that has an ad campaign based on a pretty simple series of statements. (Okay, it's Gold's Gym, which happens to be my new home base for working out.) You may have seen it on billboards, or my t-shirts.

Stronger than yesterday
Stronger than excuses
Stronger than ordinary

How much do I love that? A ton! Why? Because I can personally identify strongly with every one of those statements.

Stronger than ordinary? You better believe it. I'm not talking about brute strength. I'm talking about mental strength. Yes, I will admit (and it's pretty obvious by now, isn't it?) that I have some mental obstacles. But what makes me stronger than ordinary? I won't just give up because of them. It reminds of me something my friend said about his daughter a couple of days ago. She's just over one. He was laughing about how if something was in her way, she just found a way to climb over it. It didn't occur to her to stop the direction she was going because something was in between where she was and where she wanted to be. (I hope you never lose that drive, MollyMad!) I'm not giving up or giving in just because of an obstacle or two. Or five. Maybe I can't go straight over or through the obstacle. Maybe I have to go around. Or maybe I need a push from below. And it may not be right away that I figure out how to deal with the obstacle. But I will. And as far as sticking with losing weight and becoming healthy? You better believe that makes me stronger than ordinary.

Stronger than excuses? Not on my watch. From the very beginning I made a deal with myself--no BS excuses. It's too easy to find excuses. I figured out what my "go-to" excuses were pretty early on and figured out how to eliminate them from having an opportunity to be a problem, at least for the most part. And I think excuses tend to give the power of ownership of our choices away. Actually my difficulty these days is giving myself grace to skip a workout once in a while!

Stronger than yesterday? Yes. Stronger than yesterday, last week, last year, ten years ago. But not as strong as tomorrow. Every day is a chance to be stronger. Every challenge is a chance to learn about myself, how resilient I am, how much I'm willing to work for what I want. I'm up for the task.

So thanks, Gold's. Not just for giving me a new comfort zone for my workouts, but for a brilliant ad campaign. I approve!

Shaking the dust off the blog.

2011-08-27T16:01:00.002-05:00

So far, 2011 has, in a word, sucked. Really sucked. I had some high hopes going into this year, but things didn't work out the way I'd hoped. And then the hits just kept on coming. For the last few weeks I've been in a pretty terrible funk. 2011 was shaping up to be the year the broke me. But I just looked at the calendar. It's not over. I have a quarter of the year left to feel like my life hasn't turned out to be a huge waste of space. And yeah, that's pretty much how I've been feeling.

As far as the weight loss has gone this year, it's been slow. I still work out ALL the time and I do the best I can with the food choices. I haven't by any stretch stopped my efforts, despite my absence from my blog. I've just simply felt like I have nothing to say. At least nothing that's worth anybody's attention.

In retrospect, I think I went into 2011 giving myself FAR too much credit for accomplishments I've made. But, the universe has a way of taking care of that. I can't tell you how many times my legs have been figuratively knocked out from under me in the past 9 months. So I'm taking my time getting back up. Any grasp I ever had at self esteem or (heaven forbid) confidence has always been tenuous and fragile. So I'm going to get back up slowly and quietly. But I am getting back up.

:)

My buns are ready...mostly...

2011-04-29T11:22:00.003-05:00

In less than 48 hours I will have finished my first attempt to jog a 5K. As long as my piriformis muscle cooperates, I think I can do it. But, the flare up of the piriformis from hell a couple of weeks ago has forced me to accept that I may not be able to run the whole thing. More importantly, that if I can't, it's NOT a failure. Even if I can't for reasons not associated with pain. The failure would be letting my anxiety about it all getting the best of me and refusing to try. And unless I wake up with an indication from my back suggesting I shouldn't, I WILL TRY.

I don't know if it's true or not, but I think my unchecked anxiety feeds into the incredible pressure I put on myself for everything. Or at least it fuels my tendency to view things from the 'worst case' perspective. But, I've come to grips with that, too, and it's no longer going to be unchecked anxiety.

As much as I wish many of the events of this year could have gone drastically differently, I'm learning. From all of them.

I'm ready to make the second half of 2011 my time to shine!

Asking for help...no, really, I'm asking.

2011-04-20T17:52:00.002-05:00

It's been a bit of a year already. I'm still trudging through. But I feel a little lost in the desert. I want to see the forest, but all I see are trees. Great big trees.
I don't feel like I have much to be proud of. I really had pinned my hopes on the pending 5k, but my back decided to flare up, so it's questionable if I'll even get to try.

I'm putting myself "out there" as a certified personal trainer by working with Hershey's Moderation Nation (also the same day as the 5k!) But I just feel a little down about things. Okay, a lot down. I'm trying to muddle through it, work on the website, get back in the game despite feeling inept at all of it.

And, I have gained about six pounds. That's just unacceptable to me. I need help.
I don't know exactly what I'm asking for, though. Just help.

Oh yeah, I have a blog!

2011-03-21T16:13:00.002-05:00

I got an email alert that I had a new comment, from a new follower. For a moment I thought, 'oh yeah, I have a blog'. I really didn't forget.

The truth is, emotionally I had a setback. All because the training gig didn't work out. And, as it turns out, it really had nothing to do with me. It had everything to do with the business practices of a few people. I'll do my best to keep that to myself. But I will say that although it wasn't about me, the way they handled it was infuriating. But, as it turns out, that's how they handle everything. And sadly, the gym that I cared so much about and wanted so much to "give back" to other members, is a shell of what it once was. It's all very sad to me.

At any rate, in my mind, becoming a working personal trainer was what would make me "legit". It's what would validate my success. At least to me. So when it didn't happen, I really struggled (even more than usual) to think of myself as a success. So I have don't nothing with my website. I've just been trudging along.

The good news is, I'm to the point where I can call my 'BS' on myself. I've lost 177lbs. I am not going to allow one disappointment to make me feel like I have nothing to say or share.

I'm not fully back to "take on the world" status, but I'm getting there. One step at a time. I'm content to believe that everything happens how it's supposed to, and it the time it's supposed to happen. For whatever reason, I'm not supposed to be a trainer right now. And I'm okay with that.

I did take another step out of the comfort zone by signing up for a 5k. I've done them before, but walking. This time, I hope to run the whole thing. Well, run slowly, but run. Unfortunately, I've got a lot riding on this in terms of my mental well being, but I'm pretty sure that I can do it physically. It's my tendency to cave in on myself mentally that will be the huge obstacle.

Doing it "alone" is terrifying. But I've found a way to bring some of my biggest supporters along with music. Maybe I should make my own t-shirt and have some of them sign it?

The Fortune Cookie That Keeps on Giving....

2011-01-04T19:23:00.003-06:00

A few posts ago I mentioned a fortune cookie fortune I received. At the time it really was perfect. So I stuck it in the back of my iPhone case and every once in a while I look at it.
It said: You don't need to know where you're going to know you're headed in the right direction.

That is so true for me. It's been an interesting week. A trying week. And now, more than ever, I believe two things to be true.
1) You don't need to know where you're going to know you're headed in the right direction.
2) Everything happens exactly as it's supposed to.

This could be a long blog. Go grab a drink.

Okay, long story short. Well, part of it. Despite what I was told by the owner of the gym where I am a member and where I auditioned/interviewed to work as a trainer, which was that I'd start in January, I'm not starting. And I may never start. Why? I have no idea. The only answer I can get from anybody is at some point in the future I can re-audition. Awesome.

I took this hard. VERY hard. Why? I think there are many reasons. As somebody who has a hard time giving herself any credit for accomplishing anything, actually working as a trainer was going to be how I really believed I had accomplished something.

Another reason is that this whole process took a lot of me pushing through everything I have ever believed about myself. It was not an easy thing to do. As a result, I put in a lot of myself emotionally. Probably 90% of myself. To feel like it was all working out, only to have the rug pulled out from under me was tough.

So I've spent much of the last week crying, or trying not to start crying, moping around, berating myself, wondering what this was all for. Was this some sick joke?

I pulled the case off my iphone a couple of days ago and looked at that fortune. It was shouting at me. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO KNOW YOU'RE HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

I started to think about the possibilities of training other places. That concept is unnerving. And while I still truly believe a snowball has a better chance in hell than I have of getting a training position at my current weight, the bigger issue is my imprisonment in my comfort zone. After everything that's happened with the gym, forcing me to consider other options, I really started to own up to the fact that, while I get a perfectly good workout at my current gym, it IS my comfort zone. And maybe, just maybe, part of this whole fiasco with the training position there has helped open my eyes to the idea that it's time to venture out of the comfort zone. If I don't, I'm at a huge risk of stagnating. And I don't want to do that.

One of my friends commented recently on my tendency to "cave in on myself". Another friend asked me to not use this disappointment as an opportunity to put my walls back up. They are both right. Part of my comfort zone is to cave in on myself, largely by lots and lots of negative things I say to and about myself. It's easier for me (in a twisted logic) to run myself into the ground mentally first, before anybody else can do it, because when they do, it'll hurt less. And throwing up walls is definitely an uncomfortable comfort zone. People can't hurt you when you shut them out.

But I have worked so hard to try and change those things. And I don't want to go back to the completely caved in person I used to be. Or the girl whose walls were really much more like a nuclear bomb shelter. I'm going to fight myself to not do that again.

Tonight I took a class at a new MMA fitness center. I've always wanted to MMA. kick boxing, that kind of thing. But it was just one more thing I figured I would do "eventually". When I was thinner. Or fitter. Or my hair was a different color.
But I took the free class. And then signed up for a membership. Why wait? It will help me become thinner and fitter. Not a whole lot of help with changing my hair color, though. I'm taking away from this experience several things. One of those is to let this adversity be an opportunity to challenge myself. So I did.

So as disappointed as I still am, I believe everything happens exactly the way it's supposed to, as long as I take something away from my experiences, even the bad ones, that will help me become a better person.

A slow realiztion....with no clear solution.

2010-12-18T19:43:00.002-06:00

If you've never been afflicted with low self-esteem and all that comes with it and can't relate to those of us who have, you should probably stop reading now. And should you chose to keep reading, I can assure you the last thing I need to hear as the solution is "just don't think like that." Because trust me, it's not so easy.

Let me back up a half-step. I've been working really hard on the self-esteem thing. It's very much a three steps forward, two steps back process for me. Lately, though, it's more like three steps back. No, take two more. Maybe another one. Mostly because I have this tiny little problem of basing my sense of worth on the words and actions of others. Oh, but not the positive words and actions. I can dismiss those with lightning speed.

As a result, I have been searching for validation lately that never seems to come. Even though plenty of friends try to validate me, it doesn't matter. (My brain tells me that of course they'd say what they think I want to hear, so it doesn't really matter when they say it."

The problem is that I cannot validate myself. (Insert "duh" here, should it be an obvious thing to you.) I realize now that is, in fact, the problem. And a problem for which I have no immediate solution. I don't know how to convince myself.

Hello, Blog....it's been too long.

2010-12-11T16:45:00.003-06:00

I gotta admit, one of the biggest irritations for me is when people tell say 'don't feel that way'. I really want to reply with "Screw you. I AM entitled to feel however I damn well please, whether or not it's rational, reasonable or acceptable."

I've had a mixed bag of a week. On the bright side, my running is coming along, at least on the treadmill. And that doesn't really count. Have some work to do to get ready for the Christmas Mile with my nephews. (Oh, the back story. So yeah, since I've been fat pretty much forever, I've never run for any length of time. So I thought I'd give it a try. Then my back went out. Now my back is on the mend and I've been trying this running thing. I want to run my first full mile, without stopping, with my nephews Eric and Nick when I go home for Christmas. Granted, a mile is no big deal. Well, let me rephrase. To everybody else it's no big deal. To me, it's a big deal. I'm still a pretty big girl, after all.)

The only other highlight of the week was attending the grand opening of a retail space for my BFF Jessica's business. It's her dream. Watching her dream happen has been very much my privilege. If you want the best chocolately goodness to exist in reality, check out www.objectsofconfection.com.

The rest of my week? My own dream seems to be slipping away. Long story short, I am now completely unable to get any confirmation about starting as a part time trainer at my gym in January as previously discussed with the owner. I'm not being told it's changed. I'm being told NOTHING. And I have a very bad feeling about that. And before you tell me that's not the only gym in town, let me just say, I know that. I'm not stupid. I also know that at present (present being an obese middle aged woman), a snowball would indeed have a better chance in Hell. Let's just all be real and on the same page with that. Please.

So it makes me question myself, my new website, my whole purpose. As my friend Jessica says, I tend to cave in on myself. Yeah, that's true. I do that, and then I bounce back. But right now, I'm worn down. I really feel like I have little emotional energy. Basically I have NO emotional energy. I don't know how to find the recharge. And tomorrow, for reasons of optimism I don't fully understand, I'm going to have a friend help me film an 'about me' video blog for the new website. And the one thing I need is energy.

I just feel lost, alone and adrift.

Oh but hey...fruit is now free.

Voice from the fortune cookie....

2010-11-20T15:03:00.002-06:00

Last Sunday I had dinner with my mother at Pei Wei. Of course you have to read your fortune, even if you don't eat the cookie! Boy did that fortune come at the right time.
"You don't have to know where you're going to be headed in the right direction."

That may sound like a generic fortune, but in the time that the idea of a website/facebook presence, etc has been brewing in my head, I've been plagued by thoughts of how to do it, what exactly to do, where do I start, etc. I've decided those thoughts are the result of three main things. 1)I'm not a techie. At all. I have lots of ideas, and limited knowledge on how to make them real. Or virtual. :)

2) I'm a planner. It's a good and bad trait to have. I like to know what's going to happen and when. I don't fly by the seat of my pants very well. So the thought of going into this endeavor with sort of 'obtuse' ideas is a little unnerving for me.

3) Doing this confirms the huge changes in my life, in a public way, however big or small the audience. The idea of that brings that girl who controlled me (you know, the girl who felt worthless, hopeless and helpless) screaming from the recesses of my brain, challenging who I think I am that I have any business with this kind of thing.

Although excited with the possibilities, I spent week of overwhelming doubt about my abilities, direction and purpose. To the point where I felt a little bit paralyzed. On Friday a book fell into my hands that literally laid out a road map for exactly what I'd like to do. I did not buy this book. I wasn't searching for this book. Somebody else determined I should have this book, and strangely I don't even think they realize exactly how perfectly it fits my plan. Chalk that one up to fate. And smart friends. Then came Sunday's fortune. "You don't have to know where you're going to be headed in the right direction."

To me, that said "Just start. It will fall into place. Don't stay still. Just start the momentum."

As scary as that is, I can look back at when I start Weight Watchers. I had absolutely NO CLUE that Saturday that I would end up here: a certified personal trainer, a person who enjoys pushing herself physically, a person who has changed her very core beliefs about herself. I just thought I'd try to lose some weight! But here I am!

And here I go. One step at a time!

Any Body Can. Anybody can.

2010-11-10T19:34:00.002-06:00

My simple A B C's of fitness?
Any
Body
Can.
And so can anybody. Any body and anybody, no matter where we are starting from, or how far we have to go, can do it. But sometimes it's scary and sometimes we think we're too (insert your adjective here) to do it. For me it was thinking I was too fat. For some people it's too old. Too busy.

I pushed myself out of that comfort zone with help, a lot of help, from several people. If I can pay that forward to one other person, I'll be happy as a clam. To that end, it looks like I'll start as an actual personal trainer in January. I'm still a little floored by all of this! I told a friend today that this is my passion. (To which I was told I my passion makes me obligated by The Universe to share it and guide others!) I don't see it as an obligation at all!! Even though I sometimes get overwhelmed with self doubt, I really think I have A LOT to offer to people who are looking for that help and encouragement.

So, I would also like to announce that I have purchased a domain. Don't go there now because nothing is there. I'm still trying to figure the content and technical stuff out. If I decide to have a training business outside a gym setting, it will be called Any Body Can Fitness. So that's my website! Anybodycanfitness.com.

In the meantime, you can look for me on Facebook. Just search for Any Body Can Fitness!

What do they want me to say?

2010-11-08T20:42:00.003-06:00

If I met somebody for the first time, somebody who knew absolutely nothing about me, and they griped about weight loss/exercise/dieting I'd probably smile, nod my head and not offer up much of a response.

But when I hear this kind of thing, more than once, from people who know me, who know I've lost probably more than they weigh, what do they REALLY want from me?

Do they just want to vent about it? Because I'm not sure I'm the person to do that with. Do they really think I'm going to put my arm around them and say "yeah, it's terrible that you're unhappy with your weight right now. I'm sure all those unhealthy choices have nothing to do with it!"

Do they want me to confirm that their excuses are perfectly valid? I'm not sure I'm the person for that, either. I would like to think I'm living proof that if you WANT to do something, you can do it. Excuses, as I like to say, are just opportunities to be creative. Love to help find solutions. Not so in love with listening to the excuses and nodding my head.

Really, want do they want? Because I have a strict rule about not offering unsolicited advice. But when people bring this stuff up, to ME, what are they expecting I'm going to say?

I honestly get confused by this. I tend to believe that it's a veiled attempt to ask for help without really asking for it. I don't know what to do.

In the end, you're still you...

2010-11-06T21:28:00.004-05:00

I'll admit it...my dander is up. So I'm going to vent.

Somebody, anybody, please tell me how tearing down another person can make you truly, TRULY feel better about yourself? If you can convince me that it's possible, then I'll shut up. Because I don't think it is.

If you are so insecure or unhappy with yourself that you deflect the attention to your shortcomings by a) making another person feel badly about themselves or b) point out and hound them for what truly may be their own 'flaws', you've succeeded in only one thing. Tearing somebody down. You have done NOTHING to accept and/or address the things about yourself that make you unhappy. Period. Convince me otherwise. Please. I don't think you can.

So to make this topic relevant to this blog, let me tell you why I'm so ticked off. If you read this and feel any self-conviction, I'm only half apologizing for that. Actually, I'm not apologizing at all. Suck it up.

There is a person I know from the gym. Truly what you would call a fitness badass. I aspire to be in the kind of shape she is in. I don't aspire to feel like that entitles me to judge what other people do. Case in point: posting on Facebook about how horrible it was for people to use the elevator when it was "only" two flights of stairs. Which of course was followed up with a comment by somebody else referring to these people as fatties.

First off, she didn't say whether they were thin or not. The assumption was that they were fat. What difference does it make? Well, the assumption by the original poster AND the follow up poster were that the choice to take the elevator was solely a product of laziness. (And all lazy people are fat and all fat people are lazy. Right? Yes, my tongue is planted firmly in my cheek. OF COURSE NOT.)

Maybe the person taking the elevator just had knee surgery. Maybe they have a heart condition. Maybe they were just tired and take the stairs every other time. Maybe...wait. WHO CARES? What does it do for them to belittle others? It does not make them ANY MORE FIT. It does not do a DAMN THING to further their pursuit of the perfect body.

Runners who point out that other people were "just walking" (and yes, that's a quote) will not be able to run faster or longer if those who are "just walking" sit in a recliner or run a marathon in record time.

The bottom line is, you are still who you are, no matter what. And if you're not happy with it, tearing anybody else down won't fix it.

And taking this in a slightly different direction, comments like that make me cringe because I know from FIRST-HAND, PERSONAL EXPERIENCE what it's like to feel like if you walk into a gym, or go anywhere there are people working out who don't know what it's like to be fat walking into to a gym and thinking they are judging you. So what happens? You don't go. You feel worse about yourself, and the cycle continues.

Really, I should thank her. I want her to know that comments like that just fuel my fire. My fire to make people feel empowered to do what they never thought they could do. "Just walking" is pretty damn impressive for some of us.

My Split Personality

2010-10-30T16:57:00.002-05:00

Some days I think I can take on the world.
Other days I think I should just stay in bed indefinitely.

Some days I think I have a lot of valuable things to say and share with people that just might help them, even a little.
Other days I think there is no reason in the world anybody should or would listen to me.

Some days I feel like I've been double-dipped in a teflon coating, and nothing anybody says can get me down.
Other days I'm pretty sure there was a hidden meaning in the way he said "hello".

Some days I look in the mirror, smile, and think "you're a little bit cute".
Other days I look in the mirror and look away again as quickly as possible.

Some days I wonder why more people don't think I'm a success?
Other days I can't stand it when people say I inspire them.

Some days I think I'm a real badass for all that I've accomplished.
Other days I remind myself just how much more the "gym girls" can do.

Some days I can't wait for the future and how different it will be.
Other days I fear the future won't be any different than the present.

But every day, I refuse to give up.

What's my secret?

2010-10-26T20:11:00.002-05:00

In the last week two people, at the gym no less, have stopped to ask me what my secret is. Im not entirely sure how to answer that without being a smart ass. I have no secret. Really. I don't take special weight loss pills. I don't eat only grapefruit one day a week. Oh, but here's a secret: I do eat after 6pm. Oh, here's another one: I eat carbs. Yup. Sometimes even refined sugar type carbs. Oh the HORROR!!

I say people have to find what works for them. (I'll save the Weight Watchers "It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle" lecture--although I'm pretty adamant about that concept being the best approach.) And what works for me is pretty much the "KISS" approach. Keep it simple, stupid. Simple for me is the basics: make healthy food choices most of the time. Be aware of what I'm actually eating. Exercise. That is my secret. Oh, and forgive my trespasses. That's a secret learned the hard way.

So now that my secrets are out of the bag, here's a list of products I will consider endorsing, though I'm pretty sure I won't get the same kind of deal Jared has with Subway and I'll have to keep my day job:

--spinach
--apples (but only Pink Lady...I have my standards!)
--popcorn
--water
--my feet/hand/legs/arms
--music (I'd gladly take an endorsement deal with Eminem or Foo Fighters)

You get the picture.

On a corporate level there are a tiny select few.
--Speir Fitness (But I'd do that for free!)
--Weight Watchers, if and only if, I could sit down with the CEO and convince him that corporately Weight Watcher's view of success is pretty lame. Im not really sure I could endorse a company that canonizes a certain accomplishment and until such time as you achieve that, they really seem to not consider you successful. But that's another post altogether.

Making progress?

2010-10-20T20:13:00.004-05:00

It was about five years ago that, having hit rock bottom, I somehow found my way out of a life spent largely in bed, unable to function in any kind of meaningful way.
I made the comment to my friend the other day that I wasn't sure why I bothered. One innocent statement several weeks ago sent me into a tailspin. It wasn't meant to be hurtful, but it was something that made me start to take stock of my life. That took about three minutes. It made me realize just how much of a NON-impact I have on even the small corner of the world I inhabit. And yes, it's depressing. I have many acquaintances. I have very few real friends. I don't have a career, I have a job. I have a nice home, though people are quick to point out it's in an undesirable location. When I suggest my life has no purpose, the only thing people come back with is the weight loss. Hey, I'm proud of myself in that regard, but if my life's worth is summed up the fact that I'm less fat than I used to be, it pretty much proves most of my life has been a giant waste.

Back home there were three of us in our office who had the same birthday. Well, three that became friends. Julieanne, Elison and me. Elison passed away a few years ago from breast cancer. So when birthday time rolls around I think about her. And this year I have asked myself "why Elison? Why not me?" Elison had a family. Sons who needed her and loved her. She had an impact on lives. I don't. Why am I still here, not making any difference in the lives of anybody, and she's gone? It's a tough question to answer for myself.

Tomorrow is Elison's birthday. If you read this, please wear something pink for her.

One more year down....

2010-10-13T19:30:00.002-05:00

It's the time of the year when I take stock of my life...as one more year of my life comes to a close it just makes me brutally aware how much I haven't accomplished.

Hey, I'm not looking to take over the world. I'm not even looking to take over a small country. I just want to feel like my life isn't a giant waste. And that's kinda how it looks from my angle. I don't have a career, I have a job. Nobody really cares where I am, what I'm doing. I have no real purpose.

The battle rages on....

2010-10-04T19:36:00.002-05:00

The battle for control of my thoughts rages on. I thought I had worked up my confidence level quite a bit as far as being ready to be a personal trainer. And now that I have an appointment to interview with the owner of the gym, I realize that confidence is nowhere near where I thought it was. At least for tonight it's not.

It's times like this my past comes back to haunt me. My past self, that is. That girl may have been lazy, but she's pretty smart about waiting for just the right opportunity to attempt to get control of my thoughts. She knows my vulnerabilities better than anybody, and she has no problem attempting to exploit them. All why I hate her so much.

I'm sitting here trying not to completely curl up into a ball like a pill bug. Tomorrow I will wake up and get back to the business of believing in myself.

Tonight, I just need to cry.

Half the girl I used to be..

2010-10-02T20:48:00.005-05:00

It's official. As of today's weigh in, I am officially half the girl I used to be.
Yes, half. HALF! I have lost 50% of my starting weight when I joined Weight Watchers. They don't give you any kind of official recognition for that. Why? I also have now lost 177.something pounds. Weight Watchers also doesn't have actual "medals" (or discs, washers, whatever you want to call them) for milestones above 100lbs. But my leader gives me the repeats anyway.

Why do they not have actual recognition for those things? Because it's pretty rare, I suppose, that members lose that much weight. Well, perhaps rare isn't the right word. It makes sense for them to make medals for 25lbs, 50lbs, up to 100lbs, because they have higher numbers of people who achieve those milestones. They have comparatively few people who do what I've done, so they don't bother. Yes, it's another thing that bothers me about how Weight Watchers corporately views me. But guess what. I don't care!

It just reminds me that what I've done is pretty darn spectacular. I know not everybody thinks losing half your body weight is a big deal. I even cried a little bit at the underwhelming response from my friends.

But guess what? I don't care. Because what I've done IS pretty darn spectacular. Somebody even said to me last night at a friend's birthday dinner, "I don't know anybody who's lost that much weight without surgery!" Yup. All down, dirty and gritty hard work.

Not even my mother could say she was proud of me. But guess what? I don't care.
Because what I've done IS pretty spectacular. And I'M proud. Even if nobody else thinks it's a big deal. It is. It's a huge deal. If you know how much work this has taken, you'd know exactly how big.

I have done something pretty spectacular. I'M pretty darn spectacular. And if that sounds conceited, guess what?

I
Don't
Care.

I earned this.

(Oh, and I'll be taking my next progress pictures soon!)

I have nothing to say...

2010-09-18T18:27:00.003-05:00

I really don't feel like I have much to say right now. But somebody suggested I just start writing, so here I am.

My last couple of weeks have been frustrating. At the same time I have felt both confident and crushed...victorious and humbled.

I started the Couch to 5K running program, in the hottest part of a Texas Summer. I was ready for a new challenge. I got to the third week and had to stop. Not just running, but literally everything. I don't know if it was the running that caused the problem, I just woke up one day with a really pissed off back. I tried to ignore it. Pissed off backs don't like that very much. So I have been taking it easy. And by easy I mean doing absolutely nothing. Even walking hurts.

So I spent most of the last couple of weeks really down. Finally drove to the gym on Thursday thinking I should just get on the treadmill despite the pain. I sat on the phone in the parking lot, crying to Jessica. I guess I just needed to cry. After I got off the phone, I went into the gym (but purposely left my gym bag in the car). One of the trainers suggested I try walking in the pool. Sounded like a good idea, even though to me it pretty much the antithesis of what a badass would do.
Lesson In Humility Number One: those "pool ladies" are doing the absolute best they can. That makes them badasses. If it's all my back can tolerate for now, then it'll be my scaled down version of badass, too.

I was all set to go this morning, until I pulled out the only two "functional" bathing suits I have. Um...that scary picture in the brown dress a few posts back? One of the suits was purchased for that trip. So it kinda doesn't fit. The other one was even bigger. (Don't ask me why I still have them, I have no rational explanation.)

Lesson in Humility Number Two: I know I'm not anywhere near where I want to be in terms of how I look physically, but when I'm wearing things that accentuate the positive and downplay the negatives, I feel pretty good about myself. Speedo swimsuits do NEITHER of those things. Face to face with myself in the mirror, trying on those bathing suits slapped what tiny bit of confidence I had right out of me. I'm pretty glad right about now that the only people who will potentially see me are those "pool ladies". I'm trying really hard not to be disgusted. It's hard. Really hard. There are some things even plastic surgery can't fix.

So tomorrow, I will swallow whatever pride I have left, and get in that pool.

But someday, maybe not this year after all, I will managed to run a 5K.

Perception is reality.

2010-09-04T12:55:00.002-05:00

My Weight Watchers leader encouraged her members to a 10/10/10 challenge. Since I have learned not to put a time frame on losing a specific amount of weight, I decided to go with something else. I actually picked two things. The first was to start the Couch to 5K running program with the goal of completing it by 10/10/10. Thanks to whatever is going on with my back, that's not going to happen.

The second thing was to have worked up the nerve to call the gym owner about getting on staff as a trainer. Back story: I don't see the owner of our gym that often. I had never really talked to her until the day I passed my trainer certification exam. I stopped by the gym to tell one of the trainers I'd passed and the owner was there. I told her an abbreviated version of my "story" and about the test. I told her I wasn't asking her for a job right then, but I would be. She told me to shadow other trainers, gave me permission to practice with my friend, and told me to call her when I felt ready. It gave me hope. That was in July.

But I decided last week that I was as close to ready as I was ever going to feel, so I gave myself a new deadline. I left two messages last week. I learned yesterday that she confirmed receiving them. I haven't heard back. I realize this doesn't with absolute certainty mean she's not interested, but I'm discouraged nonetheless.

At this point, I feel like a fool for getting my hopes up. And let me just say this--I don't care if anybody thinks I shouldn't feel this way. Whether I should or shouldn't doesn't change the fact that I do.

I'm beginning to think that some people, people like me, aren't allowed to have dreams. Or more accurately, I can have them, but I'm not allowed to have them come true. Some people are here to have their dreams come true and other people are here to help them do it. I feel like I'm the latter. I would break my back to help somebody achieve their dream. I just can't have one.

Today I feel...

2010-09-02T20:24:00.002-05:00

Fat
Ugly
Unloveable
Disappointed
Almost hopeless.

It is what it is.

Destiny

2010-08-31T11:08:00.004-05:00

I just read a post over on the Weight Watchers message board by a woman saying she thought it was her destiny to be overweight, die young, etc.

Boy, can I relate to that. Believing that there's really no point in trying because this is just the lot in life you were dealt.

Is that destiny? Or bullshit?

I'm going with bullshit. Pardon my French. As the poster on the message board realized, calling something destiny and throwing your hands up is just handing over the power. And to what? To whom?

If you asked me ten years ago what I thought my destiny was, I'd have probably said something similar. To always be fat, to die early and alone, surrounded by 100 cats.
One day I woke up and realized I could change my destiny. And I'm still changing it.

My destiny? To stop settling for less than I want for myself. To keep dreaming. To be whatever I want to be.

What is your destiny?

POSER!!!

2010-08-28T10:12:00.003-05:00

I'm leaving soon to go to the gym to train my best friend. This is scaring me half to death! (Aforementioned natural athlete? Same person!)

I'm getting some practice under my belt before I schedule my "interview" with the owner of my gym. Jessica was kind enough to volunteer.

My problem is I still feel like a poser. Like a giant fraud. I've seen what Jessica can do in a gym...who am I to think I should be training her? I know she doesn't feel that way, but that's what goes on in my head.

But the one thing I know without question, is she will give me the most honest feedback. Not judgement, feedback.

So off I go. As soon as I stop shaking!

Naturally Athletic

2010-08-25T17:38:00.002-05:00

Some people are naturally athletic. They have a natural gift. To perfect their game, the gift must be nurtured with a lot of hard work and dedication, but they start with perhaps a little edge.

I was once envious of a friend who was called a natural athlete. I would give anything to be thought of as an athlete. But that's not me. I am NOT naturally athletic. I'm not graceful. I'm not naturally powerful or fast. I don't have an exceptional aerobic capacity. Trust me when I say NONE of this physical activity business comes naturally to me. I grew up making a point of avoiding it. If given the option between a quick pick up game of basketball or a pedicure, I'll take the pedicure every time. I don't really like to sweat in public. I'm not cute when I do. I am a full blown sweat bomb.

What I am, however, is a workhorse. I may not have a natural affinity for it, but I WILL work hard at it. I will get in the field and get dirty. I'll do what it takes. It may not come as easy to me as it may to 'natural athlete', but I'm not going to back away from it. I'll put in the time and get it done. I may have to push myself a little harder, but I can do that.

Maybe that should be the name of my business: Workhorse Fitness!

I don't care what you eat. Really.

2010-08-20T21:39:00.002-05:00

I don't care what you eat. I don't. I am not a member of the Food Police. Nor am I a member of the gastronomic clergy. I don't judge you, and I don't expect (or want) you to confess your food related "sins" to me. Because I don't want you to do that to me.

In the recent past I have had several close friends either order something and immediately instruct me not to judge them and their choice for "being bad" or make a comment to me after the meal that I must have thought that was awful.

Let's get one thing straight. Food shouldn't be "good" or "bad". It's just food. Sustenance. Some of it is more nutritious, and some if it doesn't hold much redeeming nutritional value but tastes amazing. And you should indulge sometimes! That's what real life is about! Only you can decide what works for you and your goals. Personally, I have to be pretty careful about I indulge. Because honestly, for me (and this is just me, it does not apply to everybody) it's a slippery slope. I have too many opportunities to indulge than I have the metabolic capacity to handle and still move forward with MY goal.

I don't follow people around and assess their eating 24/7, so who am I to judge how you eat when I'm around? I'm happy to give people tips from my own experience, but the bottom line is, I don't care what you eat.

A haunting in Austin...

2010-08-14T21:58:00.004-05:00

You can run away from your past, or more specifically, who you used to be. You can leave everything familiar behind, move to a place where nobody knows you and start over. You can hide from yourself and hope the old you never finds you again. Good luck with that. Hiding doesn't work. I can attest to that.

While I believe I have made huge progress in changing who I am at all levels, I have a way to go. Lately, I've been tortured, tormented, taunted and yes, haunted by the girl I used to be.

She really has never gone away. I have, for the most part, ignored her for a few years, as best I could. Lately, though, she's been haunting me. She wants me to remember how much control she had. She is trying to control my thoughts again. Because the bottom line is SHE is still how I see myself and how I think the world sees me. And worse than that, I haven't been able to accept her. Somebody recently told me how she struggled to accept the girl she used to be. But now, as much as she's glad she's not that girl any longer, she loves her and accepts her for what she was. I burst into tears. (Right in the office. It was lovely.) Because right now, I hate the girl I used to be. She ruined my life. Or a good part of it.
And although I often say (and truly believe) that I couldn't be who I am now if I wasn't who I was then, there is a part of me that wishes I could have been anybody BUT her. I just want so badly to be normal. To have been normal. Instead, that girl had control of me for so long, I will never be able to escape her. My legacy, it seems, will always be "the girl who lost all that weight". Which means acknowledging I was "the girl who was really that fat".

And not only that, but my non-existent self esteem was very much tied up in my weight. (Chicken/egg--who cares.) But now that I have so much less weight, I get more attention. And people tell me how awesome and inspiring I am. Do you know what that says to me? I was right all along to think I was worthless BECAUSE I was fat, since now my worth to the world is dependent on getting rid of the fat.

So, here's my task. You can run, but you can't hide. So instead of hiding, I need to "bring her along on the journey" as I've been told. But I can't do that until I stop hating her. I hate her. Going to bring in the professionals on this one.

But for now, in all her glory (said with great sarcasm), here she is. And know, as everybody who I've personally shared this picture with lately can tell you, this picture makes me cry.

Give me a break!

2010-08-08T08:28:00.003-05:00

I'm pretty hard on myself. Actually, I'm usually excruciatingly hard on myself. I can mentally beat myself up far better than anybody else has ever tried (and trust me, I've had plenty try.)

I was put on "restriction" this week. From the gym. Well from doing any kind of working out other than walking and stretching/yoga. I think this is my third time on restriction. And none of those times could I do it for myself. Even though, especially this time around, I knew I needed a break. I'd be talking about taking an 'easy' week for over a month. Did I do it? No. I have a hard time allowing myself the rest my body (and my mind) was screaming for. But in my mind, I HAVE to be hard on myself, even if it's not the best thing to do, because the minute I'm not pushing as hard as I can is the minute people are going to start raising an eyebrow and assuming "well, that's it. She could only go so far, but she was destined to not make it." I know everybody doesn't think that way. But trust me, some people do. There are people who are just waiting for me to fail. I know that. And I don't even care. If I succeed or fail is none of their concern and won't make a damn bit of difference in their lives. And trust me, I am QUITE WELL AWARE of the statistics for long term success in weight loss. I consider it a challenge. And I remind myself of those statistics close to daily. It keeps me on my toes.

So I did nothing but walk and yoga for a week. (Well, except for getting the idea stuck in my head that I needed to run up and down the hills of the drainage ditch over and over, but still...!) I still lost two pounds. Earth didn't fall out of orbit. Yes, I had people commenting about my absence from gym classes, but so what.

I was overtraining. Sounds a little bit odd for me to say that. You think Lance Armstrong or elite Olympic gymnasts overtrain. Not middle aged obese women.
But I work out hard, usually 6 days a week. The week I went home, I crammed the same amount of workout time into 4 days. I'm not young. I've put my body through a lot the last few years. I was not allowing proper recovery time.

Usually I listen to Karen on this anyway, but after my temper tantrum in spin (over my heart rate. Yes, seriously) I knew I was on a downward spiral if I didn't take a break. I was beginning to hate spin. And I LOVE spin. The overtraining was physically and emotionally taking its toll.

So now my goal is to find a little more balance. I'll be leaving for spin soon. First time since the tantrum. I'm not even sure if I will be taking the heart rate monitor today. I think I need to spend my first week off restriction working on the balance.

And, in the future, I need to be better about giving myself a break.

It's like she lost her spirit....

2010-07-31T18:37:00.002-05:00

Yesterday one of my co-workers stopped me to call me (again) "The Incredible Shrinking Woman". This wasn't particularly unusual, she does this about once every other week. This time, though, in addition to telling me I was an inspiration to her, she said "I really wish you could be an inspirtation to my family." (I've become quite skilled at letting the inspiration word fly without so much as a the twitch of an eye muscle. I just nod and smile like a bobblehead.)

She then told me about her niece, who I believe is 9 years old. She told me how this little girl has a serious weight problem already (as does her mother, apparently). She said this little girl is picked up pretty relentlessly. And then she said something that damn near made me cry instantly. She said "it's as though she's lost her spirit." She told me how this little girl used to love to sing and dance. She would make up dances and routines. And she doesn't do that anymore. An adult in her life is recognizing that this precious little child has "lost her spirit".

I don't remember when I lost my spirit, I just remember what it was like to have it snuffed to the point of near extinction. And it breaks my heart to think of a nine year old girl who's flame is dying.

The co-worker then asked me for advice on how to help this little girl with her weight issue, as this little girl was going to come stay with her for a week. I suggested she just be a role model for healthy habits. But then quickly added "but the best thing you can do is help that child find her spirit. Sing and dance with her while she's there. Help her remember how much she used to enjoy that."

It just kills me to think this little girl is buying a ticket on a self esteem train that's headed for derailment.

To be more than I am....

2010-07-20T21:28:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, many times, I want to be so much more than I am.
I want to be effortlessly confident.
I want to believe in myself a little bit more.
I want to wake up and not dread looking at my reflection.
I want to like everybody, at least a little.
I want everybody to like me, at least a little.
I want to see in myself what others claim to see in me.
I want to not be scared of making a fool of myself.
I want to make a mark on the world. Not loudly, not with pomp and circumstance. And not just for not being quite so fat anymore.

I just don't know how.

The Dark Side may have cookies....

2010-07-14T17:28:00.003-05:00

But as I very vividly remember, that's about all it had to offer. I have to keep reminding myself of that. Every once in awhile my demons decide to take me on a trip to The Dark Side, just for old times sake. The trips are getting less frequent, and the stay is a little shorter every time. But somehow I still find my way back there.

So I remind myself that The Dark Side didn't get my anywhere close to the life I wanted. It took me farther away. And even if, in the short term, it feels more comfortable to hang out over there, I remember what the extended stay plan entailed. And it's scary. Some days I think I'm one day in bed from another permanent move back there. So I make a point, no matter how much I want to, to stay out of bed during daylight hours.

Besides, the cookies were never that good.

Have you lost a lot of weight?

2010-07-12T21:00:00.002-05:00

After months of frustration, I put on my big girl panties and sought the services of an expert. A bra fitting expert. (The squeamish among you need not turn away, I'm not going to go into any great detail. And in fact, that part of it was not as bad as I expected. But I digress.)

So, one of the very first things the fitter said to me was "have you lost a lot of weight?" She said this, by the way, before ever seeing me without a shirt on.

Okay, so this is only slightly a rhetorical question. Because if you do have a pretty good idea what prompted that comment, by all means, tell me. But, why would she assume that looking at me? Cue the raging insecurities.

Seriously, I don't know what prompted that comment. I was too stunned to ask. I don't have a lot of loose skin hanging off me (yet), other than my arms, which are still quite full of fat AND skin. But they looked like that before I lost any weight. So what is it? Because I already have some major concerns about skin issues (which can be fixed, but would result in horribly scar issues).

Yeah, basically I have vanity issues. Yes, I'm losing weight for my health. But anybody who tells you they aren't at least part in doing it for their looks is probably lying. So I'm not even going to pretend I'm not completely worried about being even uglier than when I started.

Just keepin it real.

Whew!!

2010-07-08T20:33:00.002-05:00

Okay, I've been a bit behind. All my focus has been on one goal, and it's taken a lot of my free time. More detailed updates very soon.

In the meantime, I'd like to introduce myself.

My name is Ginny.
I'm 43 (and a half!) years old.
I've been overweight since about 1st grade.
I started Weight Watchers about three years ago, weighing in at 348.6. I'm now about half the girl I used to be.

And as of today, I am a CERTIFIED PERSONAL TRAINER!

Fight or Flight?

2010-06-26T19:19:00.003-05:00

I received an email this morning that contained the following quote:

Fearlessness may be a gift but perhaps more precious is the courage acquired through endeavor, courage that cultivates the habit of refusing to let fear dictate one's actions. --Aung San Suu Kyi

At no time in my life have I ever been described as fearless. I am far from it. Most of my life has been ruled by fear. Fear, though, is not a bad thing. Fear is the healthy, necessary reaction to a perceived danger. So where did I go wrong? I see two things.

The first problem is that I interpret too many things as "danger". The best example is fearing what others think of me. I have spent far too much time and energy fearing that other people will think poorly of me. For any number of reasons. Living in fear of a "negative review" is not a healthy fear. And that's a hard habit to break. Trust me!

The second problem, regardless of the source of the fear, is my response. We have a biological response to stress, Fight or Flight. When we perceive a dangerous situation, the fight or flight response prepares us for whichever we chose to do. Do I stay and fight, or run like hell? On a psychological level, I have conditioned myself to run like hell. Or more accurately, make a concerted effort to avoid situations that might lead to a "dangerous" situation.

I still don't put myself into situations where I see certain risks. I play my cards close to the vest until I have a relative guarantee of safety if I show them. But what I try to do now is change my "flight" to "fight" when I have a perceived fear.

I have recently spent A LOT of time studying for The Test. It's scary, and for a lot of reasons that wouldn't make sense to many people. Many times I have become so completely overwhelmed I considered just quitting and never taking the test. That is exactly what I would have done five years ago, had I ever dared to even take on such a challenge. Instead, I let myself have my "panic response" for a day or so, then dig in.

Sometimes running away is the right choice. But for me, running that much didn't give me great legs or increase my aerobic endurance. It paralyzed me.

I don't think I'll fully be able to stop interpreting things has "dangerous" when they aren't, so instead I work on recognizing I'm scared to death, and pushing through it. I refuse to be a coward any longer.

Today was a big day....

2010-06-21T22:57:00.002-05:00

Today was a pretty big day for me. And nobody else would probably understand why.

I flew back home from California today. It's been about 18 months since I'd been back there. But what happened there is another post (perhaps). The first thing I did when I got home was to register for my exam for the personal trainer certification. While I avoided a panic attack, my heart did pound a bit faster for a few minutes. And as soon as that was done, I drove over to the Department of Public Safety to get a new driver's license.

Like I said, I'm pretty sure nobody else would see either of these things as any big deal. But to me, it was very symbolic. Updating my driver's license so the picture actually looks like me felt very much like putting the period on the final sentence in a chapter. A very long chapter. It felt more final than anything else I've done so far. As ready as I am for that chapter to officially come to an end, it does bring about some mixed emotions.

Scheduling the test feels a bit like symbolically starting the new chapter. Although I don't know exactly what the chapter really is. I can't say with any certainty I'll ever be a personal trainer, and that's okay. I've been thinking a lot about that lately. I wish I could march into this with all the confidence everybody (well, most everybody) claims to have in me. I don't. My first hurdle is passing the test. And again, I wish I had the confidence of others, but I don't. I feel rather like a mastless sailboat adrift in a giant ocean. My communication system is disabled, with no way to signal for help. I'm doing everything I can, but I still may end up dead in the water.

And I've decided that's okay. Just because I WANT to be a trainer doesn't mean I WILL be a trainer. Or that I SHOULD be a trainer.

So I picked up the pen to start this chapter, but I don't know what to write. I have to give up the notion that failing the test doesn't mean I've failed at changing my life. I can still do that.

Right?

Random Thoughts....

2010-06-04T20:38:00.004-05:00

--Southwest Airlines: I'm going back home in a few weeks. I'm flying Southwest, and I'm nervous about it. Granted, I'm 110lbs smaller than the last time I flew Southwest, and although everybody keeps telling me I'm worried for no reason, I am. Let's be real: I am FAT. I am trying to prepare myself for how they could potentially treat me, but there is never a way to get around the absolute humiliation of being called out publicly as being the fat girl.

--What's worse than the "I" word?: The "S" word. Skinny. I cannot tell you just how much I hate it when people call me skinny. Give me a break. Again, they think they're being nice and supportive, but let's be real one more time. I am FAR from skinny. I am obese, people. To call me skinny feels condescending, patronizing and like I'm being mocked. Until such time as I am clinically underweight (which will probably never happen), please do not call me skinny. Even if it rhymes with my name.

--Why I hate The Biggest Loser: It may be classified as reality television, but it is far from realistic. Unless you are so independently wealthy that you can afford to hire a trainer and work out for 8 hours a day, every day. And people to supply all your meals. And live in a controlled environment. If you do, then go ahead and berate yourself for ONLY losing 6lbs in a week.

--I have no "interesting chapter": I saw a commercial recently (promoting travel to Louisiana) that included the line "Make your you have at least one interesting chapter in your biography." Great concept. Except that I have no interesting chapters. My life is pretty darn ordinary, run of the mill. With no prospects of interesting. I'll have to work on that.

Stranger in a strange land...

2010-05-15T15:46:00.003-05:00

It's not just a book, it's my life.

So as you may recall, jumping from a plane was the time to leave the old me behind. Oops. Epic fail.

It's funny, because one of my co-workers yesterday said to me "ever since your jump you've just been glowing!" All I can say is, it must be the lighting in the building.

Building up to the jump, I was feeling really quite good about things. I had started a prep class for my trainer certification. I just felt good about things. Then jump day came. I spent the better part of the drive there sobbing to my mother, reflecting on how far I really had come in the journey. But, when I got to the jump sight, I got an instant reminder by way of a swift verbal kick to my pride. It put me in my place. It made me realize a)just exactly how far I have to go and b) just exactly how the world sees me. Step one in meltdown: complete.

After the jump I survived on a fair amount of (pseudo)adrenaline for about a week.

The little voices were largely kept in check. But then a comment was made that I took personally. Probably much more personally than I should have, but I did.
Step two in meltdown: complete.

By Sunday of last week, the rope holding me together was frayed to within a few strings. I was studying like crazy, but feeling very overwhelmed. I was tired. I was getting more and worse headaches than usual. I got to the gym early to lay claim to "my" spin bike, which gave me a fair amount of time to sit in the back of the room and study. A spin rookie came in and a couple of the regulars were helping her set up her bike. One of them mentioned something to the rookie about staying in the class as long as she could, but it was okay to leave early. (It was a 90minute class, by the way.) And then the other girl (who is also responsible for the previous comment I took personally) says "But if you leave the class early, you're a loser" and giggled.
Step Four in meltdown: complete. And we are no in the red zone, ladies and gentleman.

I was LIVID. It brought every bad "fat joke" memory, every gym anxiety, all of those things, rushing back like a tidal surge. Who would say that to a complete stranger? WHO SAYS THAT??? By the time class was over, I talked to the instructor about it (who was not in the room when that comment was made.) And although it reminded me that THAT is the reason I want to be a trainer, to be the absolute antithesis of what kind of attitude the "loser" comment represents. Still, it rocked me to the core, and not in a good way.

So by Monday it all came tumbling down. Computer snafus at work allowed time to study for the personal trainer certification. My mind was just not in the right place. I'm pretty sure my hormones were not in the right place. What should have been a chance to really learn with the assistance of an expert turned into an opportunity for the little voices to run through my thoughts unchecked.
Meltdown: complete

I spent pretty much the next two days crying. If I wasn't crying, I was sleeping or using all my strength not to tear up. I had wrapped myself into a giant knot.

I was talking with my friend Jess about it all, who astutely wrapped it up in a nice little package. "You're out of your comfort zone, and it's scary." She's right. It's not just scary, it's terrifying. In a million years I would have never thought I'd be sitting here, a middle aged woman, re-inventing who I am and how I think about myself and my place in the world. Empowering? Yes. Doable? Yes (though three days ago I might not have believed that). But scary and hard? ABSOLUTELY!

One of the things I've learned about myself, and the last week is an example, is that I have a tendency develop some anxiety about something but ignore it. Then it reaches a boiling point and it turns to a little bit of panic. Not in the sense of actual panic, but I go through a phase of "I can't, this is too much, I'm stupid, there is nothing I can do". That's usually not very long (thankfully!) Then it turns to the "roll up your sleeves and dig in" phase. Get it done.

So that's where I am. I've rolled up my sleeves and I'll get it done. I don't have a plan completely mapped out, but I'll find my way eventually.

And out you go....

2010-05-15T14:36:00.003-05:00

I did it. I jumped out of a plane. It was so incredibly amazing! I will definitely do it again. I hesitate to post pictures because seeing them was partly to blame for my recent meltdown (seperate post to follow), but years (maybe just months) from now I'll have forgotten all about how icky I felt looking at them. (Unless I read this, and then I'll just remember all over again!)

And the video:

I don't have to prove anything to you....

2010-04-17T09:28:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow I'm going to take a spin class at a new gym. So what if I know the instructor and know what to expect. So what if I regularly take classes with her twice as long as the one I'll be taking tomorrow. So what? The other people don't know me. They'll see a girl walking in (I can't say fat girl anymore) who is clearly packing some extra pounds. There is a good chance they'll make some assumptions about my abilities. It causes me some anxiety. But, the bottom line is: I got nothin'. Nothing to prove to anybody there. Nothing to prove to anybody, period. Except myself.

I recently talked to a friend who was worried about going back to the gym after having been gone a while and gaining back 20lbs, and worried that people would notice if she couldn't keep up or do what she did before. I have to remind myself what I said to her. "You're not there competing against anybody. Your routine workout isn't done before a panel of judges. The only person you're competing with is yourself."

And at the same time, the only person who needs my approval is me. Somebody recently asked me if it would be okay to skip spin on her birthday, as she was worried she'd be letting people down. I told her she doesn't need permission from anybody to skip the gym, whether it's her birthday or not. Do what you have to do for yourself. If people want to judge you for it (and yes, we ALL know there are people who do) it's fine. The only person to prove anything to is YOU.

I'll try to use that concept to fill in the chip on my shoulder before I get to the class tomorrow.

Admitting another weakness...

2010-04-14T21:04:00.002-05:00

I'm really bad about asking for help. Or for anything I need. HATE IT. It's partly a pride thing, partly a fear of rejection. And while I can't really be angry when my expectations are not met if I never made them clear to the person(s) from whom I'm expecting whatever it is, I can still be disappointed. It's something I do need to work on.

What brings this up is the lack of the word "proud" out of a few very specific folks lately. Namely my parents. All of them. And it's killing me. But I feel if I ask for that, if they tell me they're proud it will just seem insincere and forced. Are they proud of what I've done? Maybe. But they're not saying it. And if you know me, you know that leads my brain in dark, sinister self defeating directions.

Either way, it's further proof that I need to do this for myself, regardless of what anybody else thinks, good or bad.

Please doubt me....

2010-04-11T19:12:00.002-05:00

Please doubt me. Really. Tell me you think I can't do this. Don't be shy. Tell me I'll succumb to "peer pressure". Talk to me about how the statistics for losing and keeping the weight off are stacked seriously against me. Remind me how not long ago I wouldn't even walk to the mailbox.

Please. Don't be shy.

Because it just makes me work harder.

Put on your big girl panties....

2010-04-05T19:42:00.004-05:00

Okay, there's a problem. Those big girl panties? They don't fit.
This may not be appropriate blog fodder for mixed company, but it's a real issue!
You may think this is an easy solution. And it probably is, if I just had the time to deal with it. Looks like sacrifices will have to be made in my gym schedule to make the time.

Here's the problem. And by problem, I realize it is a good problem to have. Well, once you have it under control. The problem is I've purchased the Big Girl panties at the same place forever. Only now, the smallest size the sell, is too big. I will spare you the details, but suffice to say, they are big enough to the point things could be dicey real fast. And the way they size them doesn't match up with the normal size world. So I'm at a bit of a loss. I grabbed some from Old Navy, but that didn't work.

Undergarments should not be causing me this much stress!! It's a good thing I can laugh at myself!

Progress Pictures

2010-04-02T18:41:00.003-05:00

Here are the updated progress pictures. Honestly, I don't see much of a difference in the last 25lbs. Maybe the next 25 will look like more of a difference!

Do I have anything to say? I mean really say?

2010-03-29T16:08:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I stare at the screen and wonder if I have anything worthwhile to say. Usually an idea pops in my head and I think "oh, I should blog about THAT" rather than sit down and force myself to write something.

This blog is just my journal, really. What goes on in my scary brain. Except that I made my scary brain public. (Well, most of it!)

So today somebody suggested something...a book. Generally the suggestion is something to read. This time, though, the suggestion was the opposite, that I write one.

Wait, what?

My question to myself is, what do I have to say? I'm not looking to write the next great weight loss book. I don't have all the answers. And if it's just my story, is my story really that compelling? I'm not so sure. Although I'm not convinced it's not, either. (Heaven knows Weight Watchers didn't think so. But that's fine, I'll decline any offers to appear in their commercials. Unless it's with the Duchess of York and she brings her handsome nephew. Then I'll consider it!)

What makes me unique? What would make somebody pick up the book and think it was worth a read?

Five years ago I was battling serious depression, chronic pain (and don't think the two aren't connected) and my life was, well, it sucked. I changed that. Okay, there's a story in that, but do people REALLY care to hear about it?

I guess there's only one way to find out.

The Weigh In Post Mortem

2010-03-28T08:49:00.002-05:00

You'd think I'd have lots to say. I don't...not yet. It's all sinking in.
All I have to say right now is I DID IT! I hit 150. Actually blew past it. I've lost 152.2. But who's counting, right? It's time for new progress pictures. In the meantime, this was yesterday. My BFF came to help me celebrate (after I texted her with the I DID IT so she didn't walk into a minefield) and brought me the most beautiful flowers. My continued success, by the way, would really be next to impossible without the support and encouragement of my awesome friends.

When focus turns to tunnel vision...

2010-03-26T19:59:00.004-05:00

I am driven by my goals. There is nothing wrong with that. Except when I become so focused on one goal, or more accurately one part of the goal, that the focus completely narrows into tunnel vision.

I have managed to work myself up into a giant knot. I didn't go crazy with extra workouts. I didn't go nuts with food choices. I did everything buy the book, so to speak. I didn't try to force what I know I can't force.

Instead, I have built tomorrow's weigh in, this one week out of the hundreds I've already logged and the lifetime of weigh ins to come, as the most important. The problem isn't that I'm so focused on the goal, I should be. The problem is that I want it to happen SO badly that I have lost sight of perhaps the one single concept that has enabled me to have the success I've had so far: I am not on a diet. This is not a race. This is a change in my lifestyle and habits. THAT is what makes it so different this time. There is no finish line. So why have I put so much pressure on myself to achieve a goal THIS week?

I know that it will happen, whether it's tomorrow or not. My head knows that. My heart knows that. It's known it all week. So why all the pressure?

This goal, though not the final goal, is what will make this real to me. Yeah, I know that already losing the equivalent of an average sized woman should feel real. This is all just further proof of why I so adamantly believe that changing your identity is the hardest part of this whole process, and if your identity issues are a big reason you put on the weight, dealing with them is essential for taking and keeping it off. An area in which I am CLEARLY not an expert.

I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. All I can do right now is assume it's not going to happen tomorrow. It feels safer to me to not expect it and be pleasantly surprised than to get my hopes up. Even though I've worked hard this week and done everything "right". Even though.

But more importantly, somehow in the next 11 hours (most of which will be spent asleep), I have to convince myself that if it doesn't happen, I have not failed. Failing would be getting too wrapped up and worked up over little more than a pound. ONE POUND out of the 200+ I will have lost by the time I get to goal. ONE POUND over the course of the rest of my life. Failing would be putting all the emphasis on the scale and not the actions of the week. Lest I forget, getting that wrapped up in the number didn't work out so well for the last year.

Lest I forget that I am not now, never have been, and never will be, simply a number.

Settle down, Sparky!

2010-03-21T13:55:00.003-05:00

After my total bonehead move of getting on the scale mid week and seeing a half-pound gain, I really didn't know what to expect yesterday at my official weigh-in. All I knew was that I had done everything in my power the 'right' way. And as further proof that weighing mid-week is, in fact, a bonehead move and should NOT be done, the weigh in was good. Just shy of two pounds down.

Wait. That means....just a hair over one pound and I hit the century-and-a-half mark.

It also meant, by the way, that for the first time in years (twenty or so!) my weight starts with a ONE! Did I actually get down and kiss the scale? You betcha! I have witnesses! And what, like that wasn't a completely normal reaction?

So after the thrill of that milestone wore off, if you know me well enough you can predict exactly what I started to do. Plot exactly how to make sure I lost that 1.2lbs this week. Double workouts? Extra spin classes? Eat nothing but green vegetables?

STOP!!!!

I can't force this. I can try, but there is no point. (Other than my raging case of impatience.) All I can do, all I NEED to do, is exactly what I've been doing. Let's not get crazy, kiddo. Doing things the rational and right way works. It may not work to the tune of 1.2lbs this week, but it works at the pace it needs to. And every time I try to force things, I overtrain, end up not eating enough to compensate for it, and I usually lose a grand total of NOTHING those weeks. So as much as I want to go balls to the wall, I am resisting the urge to do that.

And for God's sake, somebody hide that damn scale!

Sometimes it's a cookie....

2010-03-19T19:00:00.005-05:00

I ran into a co-worker today that I hadn't seen in months. Of course the weight loss subject came up (I have come to peace, mostly, with the fact it's pretty much the only thing most people want to talk to me about). At one point she asked about my "willpower".

I hate that word. Really, I hate the concept. I always say I have the self control of a rabbit. The only difference is that my brain is (ever so slightly) larger. Most often you hear people talk about willpower when they're complaining that they don't have any, and that's what bugs me. It's as if they believe some people are born with it, and some people aren't. And since they don't have it, they're doomed. That's a load of crap. Willpower is not predetermined by your genetic makeup. It's not some cosmic force roaming about the universe, picking and choosing who is going to be blessed with it's presence.

Come on, people! It's ALL about choices!! If we believe we are at the mercy of everybody and everything else when it comes losing weight, might as well not bother. Because that's a tough row to hoe. The good news is, we AREN'T!!

My response to the co-worker was simply "I don't believe in willpower. I believe in choices. When faced with all those choices, big and little, I just ask myself one thing--what's more important right in this moment? Most of the time it's getting to my goals. Sometimes, it's a cookie."

Will I ever.....

2010-03-18T19:34:00.001-05:00

Today was one of those days when I looked in the mirror and all I could think was GROSS. And strangely, the days I have the reaction are days people stop and tell me how they can tell I'm losing. All I can think to myself is riiiiiight. But I smile and say thank you anyway. Most of the time! And then I committed a cardinal sin this morning. I got on the scale, midweek. It showed I gained a half a pound. Despite towing the line all week. Despite accounting for every single thing that went in my mouth. Despite it all. And I know better than to worry about it. But I do.
So it's no wonder, between the scale and the mirror, that today I started to think, will I ever be a healthy weight? I'm almost 3/4 of the way there, and yet I still wonder if it will ever really happen. I try really hard not to think that way, but I do. I won't give in to them, though. Right after that thought creeped into my head, I got out of the car and did a hard (but really fun!) spin class. Shut up those voices for awhile!

It's hard to think about saying goodbye....

2010-03-15T20:24:00.003-05:00

I teared up no less than four times today when I thought about the goodbye I'm planning for the (very near) future. It's something I'm pretty sure none of the three people I teared up in front of could really understand. Not REALLY understand.

I decided some time ago that when I reached 150lbs lost, I was going to go skydiving. The assumption most people make is that I'm using it as a reward. Not at all. I'm not an adrenaline junkie. I'm not looking for the next big thrill. In fact, the thought of it scares me silly. But that's exactly why I'm doing it. Facing down my fears is all part of my process.

It's not a reward. It's a ritual. The deal is, the girl who gets on that plane is the girl who doesn't believe in herself and usually assumes nobody else does either. It's the girl who doesn't want anything to do with being "powerful" or an "inspiration". It's the girl who listens to all the negative messages in her head over and over and over. THAT girl has to go away. She was a nice girl, for all her flaws, but she can't live here anymore. Jumping will be my re-birth. A figurative scattering of the ashes.

And that's a little bit scary. It's hard to think about letting go of the person I have been most of my life. I want to hate her. It would be easier to let her go if I did. But I don't. She wasn't a bad person. She was good to everybody. Well, everybody but herself. She was pretty ruthless with herself. But still, she was always there. But she can't live here anymore.

I know it's not going to be so simple as jumping from a plane and expunging my demons. I know that girl will try to make contact with me. Probably quite a bit at first, but she'll eventually get the picture. I just know that in order to move forward, that girl can't live here anymore.

And that's a little bit scary.

"Get your lazy ass to the gym and quit shoving sh*t in your face"

2010-03-13T11:09:00.002-06:00

At the end of my Hard Bodies class today, we started talking about some of the things we've done in the past to lose weight. (The conversation started with somebody mentioning they ordered something called the Brazilian Butt Lift. That sounds like something involving shady plastic surgery, but to each his/her own!) We talked about we easily fall for promises of the newest miracle. The trainer who was leading the class (who admitted to falling victim to gimmick-laden promises herself) said "How about just getting your lazy ass to the gym and quit shoveling shit in your mouth?" I immediately decided this should be the title of the next new trendy diet book.

Except that nobody would buy it. Sadly, the concept has no gimmick, no false promises of big payoffs following little effort. It's too honest.

Oh, I also suggested a chapter called "Quit whining and take responsibility for yourself." Yeah....that's a bomb, too.

Who wants to shell out good money on a health and fitness program based on good, old common sense?

My reality....

2010-03-08T21:57:00.001-06:00

I'm going to talk about that whole "inspiration" thing again. Mainly because tonight, I feel a little bit raw about the whole topic.

Mostly, I feel like a fraud. Last year's plateau truly started as a plateau, and evolved in to something else. That's no secret. And it wasn't JUST the plateau that brought me to my figurative knees. That's also no secret. What is a secret? I was very, very close to giving up altogether. I never told anybody. I had a hard time admitting it to myself. My spirit checked out. I started to struggle again with the old beliefs about myself. What is so inspirational about that? Not asking for help when you need it? Absolutely NOTHING inspirational about that. Letting what other's think about me matter more than what I think about me? Complete crap.

So I didn't give up and held on by a thread. So I'm choosing to stay and fight for what I want. That is nothing special. People do that every day.

What I do is no big deal. Nothing anybody couldn't do if they just decided to do it and put in the work. THAT is the reality, period. I DO NOTHING SPECTACULAR. Save the label of "inspirational" for people who make a big impact on the world around them. People who came from extremely humble beginnings but fought with everything they had to get where they are, then use what they've achieved to help make the world a better place for others. Oprah is an inspiration. Nelson Mandela is an inspiration. Bill Gates is an inspiration. Mother Teresa is an inspiration.
I will not dare consider myself anywhere near their level. Period. And that's what I think about being called inspirational.

If somebody looks at what I've done and says "hey, I can do that too" and uses it as a jumping off point for their journey, wonderful. But the true inspiration isn't me. It's the person making the choice.

"Knock it down or scale it."

2010-03-08T20:05:00.003-06:00

Today's Words of Wisdom from Rev Run:
"Brick walls are only in your way to see if you really want what you say you want."

So there's a brick wall. So what? What are you going to do about it? Just give up? What, are you afraid of a little challenge? Are you going to give up that easily? Heck no!!! You're stronger than that! You're craftier than that. It's just a wall, for crying out loud!! You have options!! You have tools! You can grab a sledge hammer and start bashing your way through it. You can grab a rope and start scaling up the wall. You can even start walking horizontally and try to find the end and just go around the wall.

And chances are, there is somebody on the other side who found their own way through, around, or up and over that wall. Somebody who'll help you figure it out.

Push yourself. Push yourself harder than you thought you could work. Farther than you thought you could go. I promise you one thing: you'll feel good when you do it.

Training for something great....

2010-02-28T19:53:00.002-06:00

The Olympics are over, sadly. I love the Olympics. I love the pomp and circumstance of the ceremonies. I love the stories and the back stories. Can you imagine training your entire life to lay it all on the line for one game, one tournament, or a couple of 4 minute performances? That's a lot of dedication. That's a lot of blood, sweat and tears. But I'll bet if you asked any of them, whether then won a gold medal or just had the chance to participate with no hope of a medal, they would all say every sacrifice, every tear that fell, every bump, bruise and broken heart along the way was worth it, just to be able to say they are an Olympian.

So ask yourself, next time you face a struggle in your journey to get healthy, how great is the payoff to you? How badly to you want that brass ring? That gold medal?

Because you will face them. They'll come at you from every angle. This is partly why I hate being referred to as an inspiration. Whatever I do or have done is not going to get anybody else through their own struggle. Each of us has to fight for this. And it IS a fight, don't kid yourselves. Every single day is a battle to keep the momentum. Every day is filled with opportunities to make good choices or bad choices. The enemy is internal and external. Some of the external enemies are obvious. Some are disguised as well meaning people who just don't get it. The internal enemy is the voice in your head that tells you everything negative. Or convinces you that "just this once" is no big deal, even if it's the fourth time that day alone.

I'm not an inspiration. But I am dedicated. I'm dedicated to becoming successful at this. Because I believe I can do whatever I chose to do, as long as I'm willing to work hard to get it. As long as I'm willing to put in the blood, sweat and tears. I'm in training for something great.

And there's room for you, too!

The REAL reason you can't lose weight.

2010-02-21T19:30:00.002-06:00

I was at the bookstore today and picked up Fitness magazine. (And I still can't do it without looking around and wondering what people who might see me do it are thinking. Oh well!) But one of cover stories that caught my eye was "The REAL reason your diet's not working". Naturally I was intrigued. And honestly, I was fully expecting it to be full of information on what you should eat and how you should eat it. It wasn't that at all. I'm going to share it here, without permission, so it's very paraphrased. It's worth picking up the magazine and reading the full article. (And many of the themes are topics that you'll recognize from previous posts here.

So here we go:

--YOU GIVE UP TOO SOON: Bottom line, it's a problem of looking for a quick fix and quick results and if you don't see them, you bail. Or in order to see the quick results you do things you can't sustain over the long haul. (At Weight Watchers we call that being on a diet, and diet's don't work. Life style changes work. )

--YOU'RE AFRAID TO FAIL: Bottom line, if you've failed before, you're worried of failing again. And may subconsciously set yourself up to do just that.

--YOU'RE AFRAID OF CHANGE: Bottom line: the old habits are a comfort, they're predictable. And you self yourself short of what you can accomplish.

--SUCCESS MAKES YOU ANXIOUS: Bottom line, we assume life will be different when we're at goal, and that can be unnerving.

--YOU CAN'T FACE YOUR FEELINGS: Bottom line, there's likely an emotional reason you put the weight on in the first place, and you don't deal with that issue as you lose weight.

Truly, that is a bare bones, stripped down version of that article. If I had the time and patience to track down getting permission, I'd post the whole article. In the meantime, go buy the magazine, or read the article at the bookstore. It's probably the most honest assessment I've seen. And I read a lot of these magazines!

Mirror, mirror on the wall...

2010-02-14T08:30:00.003-06:00

The mirror. Never before has there been a truer "frienemy" for me. Some days we like each other. Sometimes we hate each other. Well, really I'm the one with all the emotional response. The glass just hangs there and is reflective, as always. And like the scale, it doesn't lie. The scale measures your mass, the mirror shows you what your mass looks like.

Except....that damn brain of mine. There is only so much I can do with a number on a scale. Sure I can be pleased or upset, but really there are limitations to what my mind will conjure up with that number. Not exactly accurate for what my mind can do with the reflection.

I avoided mirrors for a long, long time. For obvious reasons. Can't avoid the reality check if you look in them long enough. So I didn't. Then as I started losing weight I spent a lot of time with the mirror, to the point where I was concerned people would think I was completely narcissistic if they saw me. But I wasn't admiring myself. I wanted to see changes. I wanted the reflection to validate me. I still do, just like I want the scale to validate me.

But it's hard to get that validation when you look in the mirror and instead of seeing the good things, all the positive changes, your old self wants you to see bad things. My current obsession is that the smaller my cheeks get, the bigger my nose looks. Completely stupid, I know.

Some days I can look in the mirror and think "not bad", yet the next day I think "yuck!" The image looking back isn't that different, it's how I choose to see it.

Weight Watchers has a poster with the levels of change (or something like that). At the center, the core, is "identity". There's a reason it's at the core of all the other levels of change. It's the most important, and frankly, the hardest. And I know mine is changing (though sometimes painfully slowly), but it IS changing!

This just in...

2010-02-11T19:54:00.001-06:00

I might have just ordered some study guides/test prep materials for becoming a certified trainer. Okay no might have...I did. I talked myself out of it for a month, and this is only the first step. But I did it. I feel strangely numb.

Update: numb turned into a full blown meltdown. The voices in my head can go to hell.

"What people think of me is none of my business"

2010-02-10T18:35:00.002-06:00

My WW leader often says that. And it's a good rule to try to live by, but let's face it, we ALL care what other people think about is to some degree. And I have been guilty of caring too much, though I'm slowly getting better at it. Some days are better than others, and some people's opinion matters a whole lot more than others.

But I was thinking the other day about the things that really would bother to know if other people thought those things of me. And what ranks at the top of that list might surprise some people. The things I would hate to be considered the most are:
--selfish
--arrogant
--unkind/rude
--unsupporting

You can call me stupid, ugly, fat, or lazy. It might bother me, but it wouldn't be half as hurtful as calling me any of the things I listed.

Friday Night Random Thoughts

2010-02-05T18:59:00.003-06:00

Random Thought #1:

I REALLY hate Hollywood and what it does for women's body image issues. Tonight on Entertainment Tonight, one of the "teases" was "See which Baywatch star packed on the pounds." Wasn't planning to watch, but never turned the channel.

Who it is doesn't matter. Here's what does: The statistics as reported by ET are that while on Baywatch, the actress weighed 99lbs. Currently she weights 130lbs. She's 5'2". And she's now going to be on Celebrity Fit Club. You know...the show for fat celebrities.

EXCUSE ME? Go plug in the numbers into an adult BMI calculator. I did. While on Baywatch, at 99lbs her BMI makes her underweight. UNDERweight. Does this make her unhealthy? Probably not, depending on what she has to do to maintain that weight. Currently her BMI is 23.8. NORMAL. Granted it's on the high end of normal and creeping towards overweight, but it's NORMAL.

Is she happy that she's now 30lbs heavier? Probably not. Should she be paraded around as the "fat" ex-Baywatch star? DEFINITELY not.

Whether or not she should be on Celebrity Fit Club really depends (in my opinion) on HOW they present her. If they say "hey, you're not considered overweight but there's room for improvement and we'll show you the healthy way to do it" then I'm all for that. But I'm still concerned the message it can send to people who strive to be like the celebrities they see. The message ET is sending is CERTAINLY inappropriate in that regard. Wow...that was about three times as long as I intended it to be.

Random Thought #2:

Okay, this really isn't that random. This is based on an incident a couple of days ago. And I hesitate to post it here, but I'm going to anyway.

So my job involves dealing with doctors. And the chip on my shoulder about being summed up and judged based on my weight is majorly amplified when the medical community is involved. However, I'm practicing the belief that everybody, including doctors, is not so judgmental.

Going back a few months, I had to talk with one of our doctors about a case I was working on. The person was my exact height and weight at the time. During the course of the consultation, the doc pops off with "Damn she's fat. She should just have her jaws wired shut." Um... Really? I know she wasn't talking ABOUT me, but did she really think that was an appropriate thing to say? And did she really think, looking at me who is clearly fat, that I wouldn't be rather offended? Really? I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

So this week I'm back to talk about a different case. Again this person was my height, but a bit heavier than I am now. The first comment was "Wow she's fat for somebody that short!" Here we go again. I just sat there and reminded myself it's not about me, it's not about me, IT'S NOT ABOUT ME. Keep your mouth shut, Ginny...it's NOT ABOUT YOU. But a few minutes later, the doc pops off with "She's just too fat to walk." No. No. NO! I couldn't just sit there anymore. I shot off with "Yeah, well I manage to keep my fat ass on a spin bike for two hours, so I don't think it's fair to say that."

I am just fed up with that kind of thing, whether it's about me specifically or MY people. Why do people think that's okay? Why is fat bashing acceptable? I'd really like to know.

Fear of Success?

2010-02-01T16:15:00.003-06:00

Something I have staunchly refused to consider, until now, is what my final goal should be. I've always skirted around the issue by answering "a healthy BMI." But, now that I'm back to really buckling down and getting to my next intermediate goal, I've started to think about it. Why a specific number? Well, Weight Watchers requires it. And really they want you to set it once you lost 10% of your joining weight. But I wouldn't do it. For me (and probably most people), the thought of saying I have to lose over 200lbs is so incredibly overwhelming that it just seems almost impossible. So I've simply worked in 25lb increments. But once I hit that next milestone, I'm on the home stretch.
Oh.
My.
God.
So what's the big deal? This is good, right? Well, for one thing, I'm a little bit worried about what the final number really should be. I don't want to be fixated on a number, but I do have to pick one. But how will I know until I get there? I have been fat my entire adult life. Actually, I've been fat pretty much for as long as I can remember. And lest you doubt that, I just saw my 1st Grade picture recently. Yup...fat.
So really, I don't know what is going to be comfortable. Or maintainable without freaking out what that extra piece of lettuce might do. I do NOT want to live like that.

And yeah, since I've been fat (really fat) my entire life, I don't know really what to expect. No, the world isn't going to be drastically different. Or is it? I suspect parts of it might be. Let's face it, the world-at-large is going to look at me differently than they did when I was at my heaviest. And differently than they do now. It's a little bit of a scary thought. And no, I don't think men will be beating down my door anymore than they do now, but that's just going to be a whole different ballgame. As it is now I get more attention, and yet I still refuse to believe it. Why would anybody be interested in ME? LOOK at me. I still see that girl 142lbs ago and pretty much assume everybody else does, too.

And sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder what my face is going to look like. I've only known it one way. What if it's just....wrong?

Just in general, I am a little bit worried that I won't quite know how to live as a normal weight person. That probably sounds really bizarre. Really, the day to day tasks of being cognizant of what I eat, and making exercise a big part of my life isn't going to be different, I do that now. I guess it goes back to the identity issue. Maybe I'm making way too much of this part of it. Maybe it's really not that big a deal. I don't know...I'm not convinced.

I'm also afraid of "it" never being good enough. Okay, so weighing 115lbs is great, but why not 99? I know, that's crazy, but I see people who look A-MA-ZING and think they don't. I don't want to be one of those people!! And it's not that I don't think it will take work to maintain the weight loss, but I don't want to become obsessive about it.

So yeah, the idea of success is a little bit anxiety-inducing for me. But I'm not going to give up because of it. I just have to stay on my toes, right? I think this is one more reason losing weight rapidly is not a great idea. Losing it slowly is giving my brain time to catch up to my body.

Surround yourself with people that celebrate you...

2010-01-31T17:26:00.003-06:00

"Surround yourselves with people who celebrate you, not merely tolerate you." (I don't know exactly who to attribute this to, other than my friend Laurie.) I think I've used that in a previous blog. But I some recent events have made me think a lot about what the people in your life really do for you.

But I'm not talking about 'tasks'. I'm talking about beliefs, really. And maybe that's not the right word either. Maybe the best way to explain it is by asking a question: do the people in your life believe in you, believe you can be more than you are now (even if what you are now is perfectly lovely), and actually push you to be more than you are? Or are they just along for the ride? They really could care less what you do, or if you grow and evolve and stretch yourself, as long as you're there for the good times? The kind of people who will help you find trouble but scatter like cockroaches in daylight when you need help? If you think it's the latter, then maybe you need to think about some housecleaning.

I am fortunate that I have a lot of people in my life who don't just care about me or what happens to me, but they want me to be more. And again, not in a way that suggests that what I am now isn't "good enough". People who want me to stretch and grow and evolve. People that can see what I sometimes don't (good and bad) and help me eventually see it.

For me, this whole journey of losing weight, while is ultimately something I have to do all by myself, has been so much more enriching because I've learned so much about who I am and who I want to be. For that part of the process, having people who celebrate me has been invaluable.

Why is it such a big deal?

2010-01-28T16:09:00.005-06:00

Why is reaching 150lbs total loss such a big deal to me?

I don't know. It's certainly not anywhere near my final goal. Well maybe relatively speaking it's close...almost exactly 3/4 of the way to where I ultimately want to be. (Although I still don't know exactly what that is, though I suppose I better start thinking of that range fairly soon.) But for whatever reason, it's a big deal to me.

Okay, honestly? It makes it real to me. I REALLY am doing this! That probably makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to anybody else but me. And to be able to say I've lost 150lbs, even if it's not The End, is undoubtedly the biggest accomplishment of my life to date. Is that to say I don't think losing 140lbs is an accomplishment? Of course not. But for whatever reason, the 150lb mark is somehow a little magical to me.

I apologize in advance for how completely unbearable I will be in another 50lbs!

The "I" Word

2010-01-25T19:51:00.003-06:00

I heard it again today. "You're such an inspiration!" I know this is not going to sit well with a lot of people, but I HATE when people say that to me. Absolutely hate it.
Why? Two reasons. First, I don't like the idea that people need incentive to do something because of what somebody else does. If you want to do something, just do it. (Sorry, Nike!) And then own it! Don't say I inspired you to lose weight, say you decided to lose weight and by God you did it. I had nothing to do with it.

The other reason is that I find it to be some degree of pressure or responsibility. Okay, so you're watching me. And if I'm successful, it inspires you. But what if I'm not? Does that give you license to say 'screw it, why should I try for myself? I don't want that kind of thing on my shoulders.

What other people do (or do not do) for themselves should be about them, not me.

You can't see me!

2010-01-23T19:14:00.003-06:00

This isn't just John Cena's tag line. This is how I have always made my way through the world. Not in some stealth-like super ninja way. I've just always been invisible. Or tried to be.

I was always content to not be noticed. I've said this before, and if you haven't been there it will sound really strange, but that was part of the weight--making a barrier. An invisibility cloak. And while I'm sure I was noticed for all the wrong reasons, it was a delusion to think that I was making myself invisible to the world at large.

So now it's odd and still sometimes very disconcerting to realize that people do notice me. I still consider myself way off the radar. I like being off the radar. I like floating through life, blissfully unaware that people are paying attention.

I've gotten used to "The Freak Show", and learned to accept it, even if I don't like it. I've learned to (internally, of course) laugh off some of the completely ridiculous things people say to me. I've learned to accept that, to some people, the only thing that puts me on their radar is that I've lost weight.

So today, when somebody at my Weight Watchers meeting turned to me on the way out and said "Ginny, it's really nice to see you smile again" I was reminded that (crap), people notice what I do. Or don't do, as the case may be. He certainly was not calling me out, and his comment just made my smile even bigger. But it was just a reminder to me that I am not invisible. And I'm dealing with it.

Mind, body and soul....

2010-01-20T12:51:00.002-06:00

I believe now, more than ever, that to be successful at this I have to be in it, mind, body and soul.

For the last year, my body has been in it...I have kept up the workouts. My mind has been mostly in it. Well really it has been fully in it. I have not ever just checked out and started with the mindless eating that got me here in the first place. I might not have always made the best or healthiest choices, but I knew what I was choosing and did it anyway. I've planned ahead, kept up with taking healthy food to work rather than rely on fast food garbage.

What was missing with my soul. My soul hasn't not been in the game AT ALL. I've let the old demons creep back in. I'm not worth it, so why bother? Of course this is not something I consciously said to myself. I didn't just wake up one day and decide whatever self-worth I'd managed to dig up was just a sham. Little things (and some big things) built on each other. But I didn't notice at first, when I may have been able to nip it in the bud. It's like the frog in the bathtub analogy: if I frog hops in a boiling bathtub he'll recognize it's too hot and jump back out. If he sits in a tub of tepid water that increases by x degrees a little bit at a time, he'll sit there until he cooks. (I didn't create that analogy, so don't blame me if you hate it!)

Pardon my language, but SCREW THAT! I AM worth it.

So this week, I decided to really get back into the game. Mind, body and soul.

My mid-week assessment:
I have upped my workouts for the week, including getting to the gym at 5:30am (and I'm on vacation!);
I have written down every thing that has gone into my mouth and counted the points;
I have been aware of the tiny little voice that waits in the background to pounce at my moments of weakness.

And most importantly, yesterday I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. And realized it's been a long time since I've done that.

Is the scale going to reflect all this on Saturday? I don't know. I pretty much don't care. (I do care a little.) But whatever it says, I know exactly where I am now and where I'm going from here.

Perhaps I'll wear pink...

2010-01-19T08:48:00.001-06:00

Wow, this is me...right down to the pink!

Untitled
by Nicole Scott

One day, when the world least expects it,

I'll come out of my shell and dance.

Dance to the music of the morning,

to the joy of the afternoon and the exotic taste of the night.

You might not recognize me,

for I'll be different than I was today.

But I hope you'll smile when I kiss your hand.

The flowers will bloom, the birds will sing and a merry party shall ensue.

I sent you an invitation,

why won't you come?

Is it my dress, I know you don't like blue.

Perhaps I'll wear pink.

Attitude

2010-01-19T07:34:00.000-06:00

ATTITUDE

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on my life.

Attitude, to me, is more important than facts.

It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do.

It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill.

It will make or break a company, a church, a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.

We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way.

We cannot change the inevitable.

The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude.

I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.

And so it is with you.

We are in charge of our attitudes.

---Charles Swindoll

That extra baggage is going to cost ya....

2010-01-17T09:18:00.002-06:00

Most airlines are charging for extra baggage. Why? The simple answer is to increase the profit margin. How? The more baggage stuffed into the hold, the heavier the plane. The heavier the plane, the more fuel it will burn. So they pass the increase on to you.

Carrying around extra emotional baggage does the same thing. It weighs you down. It makes you run less efficiently on an emotional level. Trust me, I am the CONSUMMATE over packer. And I'm paying for it. I hang on to things. Usually the bad things. I'll forget the positive comment in about ten minutes. I can tell you negative things verbatim from years ago. This just has to stop. The crappy things people say to us, the even crappier things we say to ourselves, everything we use to weigh ourselves down and feel bad about who we are. We have got to let it go. I have got to let it go. It's costing me too much to carry it around.

Changing habits is the easy part...

2010-01-14T20:59:00.003-06:00

Changing habits is the easy part. Changing your identity is where things get tough. I'm not talking about getting a fake ID, new social security number and entering the witness protection program. That, in comparison, is a piece of cake. Changing how you think of yourself (and how you think the world sees you) is hard work! It's going to be my biggest challenge, by far. Definitely three steps forward and two-and-a-half steps back. Okay sometimes three steps back. I won't speak for everybody, but I can say that for myself, there is no way this is ever going to be an issue that won't keep creeping back. I feel like I have to leave this post incomplete, because I don't know the answer. I have found myself thinking a lot the last few days about why I have some of the core beliefs that I do. It's good to recognize it, I guess, but it's also good to recognize when it's time to put the period on the end of some of those sentences.

Rumination of the day...

2010-01-12T17:35:00.002-06:00

Why is it that everybody else can see things so clearly and be so convinced, but when you look it's through a giant inoperable cataract?

When fear is healthy...

2010-01-10T19:57:00.004-06:00

I just read a message board post talking about fear. Specifically, being scared of re-gaining weight after a large weight loss.

So what is fear? Fear is a reaction to a perceived threat. Sometimes the threat that's perceived is legitimate. Sometimes it's not. (And I have plenty of those!)

But as far as being scared of re-gaining weight is concerned, that fear SHOULD be real. We SHOULD be scared. Why? Statistically the majority of people who lose weight will regain it. I don't know the exact current statistic, or how it breaks down between people who lose by way of "dieting" vs. bariatric surgery. I just know that statistically, the odds are against us. But here is one thing I do know. It's not 100%. So even if it's 99%, somebody has to be the 1%, and it might as well be us!

So what's the answer? Obviously there is no simple or quick answer. But to me it boils down to one key thing: complacency. Beware of complacency. We can never let our guard down. This is why we aren't on a diet. We can't stop being mindful of cultivating the good habits and keeping the bad habits at bay FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES. Diet's don't work. Lifestyle changes do. You just have to keep working at them for life!

Being scared of the complacency is exactly how I plan to prevent it. I'm up for the challenge. Are you?

One of those "wow" moments...

2010-01-03T21:11:00.003-06:00

So I mentioned ages ago that eventually I wanted to become a personal trainer. You know, someday...when I look like what a personal trainer should look like. Well, maybe I'm not going to put it off quite that long. Maybe. It's been suggested I shouldn't. The only legitimate reason for not waiting that makes any sense to me is that concept that maybe seeing and possibly working with a trainer who isn't a hard body and clearly looks like they understand the anxieties of a larger person would get some people working out who are otherwise hesitant. But I'm still not completely convinced this is a good idea.

Which leads me to the "wow" moment. I decided to take the question to the Weight Watchers message boards. Specifically asking the people who have a lot to lose. And by a lot, I mean A LOT. These are MY people.

I only posted the topic less than 30 minutes ago. And the responses I've had so far have taken my breath away. I actually teared up. It was as if I was talking to myself, 140lbs ago. (And some of the things that STILL go through my head now.)

The bottom line is, the people who need to feel the most welcomed into the gym are scared to death to go. They feel intimidated, judged, and that they just don't belong there. While it's a little bit comforting to know I am not the only person who felt/feels that way, it makes me sad. It's easy to sit on the sidelines and suggest that we should just push through those feelings and suck it up. It's not easy.

It's a "wow" moment on so many levels. Things are becoming a little bit clearer.

Reflecting on 2009

2009-12-27T16:28:00.004-06:00

If I had set out to predict what 2009 would have held in store for me, I would have had about 90% of it wrong. I'm not in the business of predicting the future, though, and that's a good thing. Good and bad, I like the surprise. Part of life's beauty of lies in the wonderment of it all. At least it does for me.

At one point I thought this year had broken me. But it didn't. I have a strict policy against regret. I see no point. You can't change what's done, but you can learn from it. I hope I learned the lessons I needed to this year.

The scariest lesson of all, sadly, was just how easy it is to lose that grasp on the self confidence I have been trying to build. It was almost ripped completely away. Almost. And I didn't even see it happening until it was almost completely gone. I'll be honest. It was bullied away. But I let it happen by making excuses and trying to do not the right thing, but the thing that would end up with the least amount of grief for everybody. Everybody but me. I am thankful for the wonderful friends who, despite wanting to smack me for letting it go on the way it did, stood by me.

And then there was the scale. That doesn't need a replay. Between the plateau and The Creep, I let enough self doubt slip back in to just coast a little too much. I see it, now the ship is turning around and heading back on course.

I woke up sad today. Reflecting back on this year I feel like I didn't gain much ground. I'm no closer to my final fitness goal than I was a year ago. But on the other hand, I'm no farther away.

The best part of all if it is that I'm the one who get's to decide what 2010 is going to bring in terms of personal growth and achievement. I looked down at my ankle this afternoon. The ankle with the permanent reminder that I am far stronger than I often give myself credit for being. I let some predator and some stupid scale make me forget that I have the power to achieve whatever I want. 2009 is over. And so is that way of thinking.

May 2010 be all that you make it to be!

"Things come to those who wait...but only those things left by those who hustle." --Abraham Lincoln

Go out and hustle for what you want! It's your year!

Influence

2009-12-27T16:17:00.003-06:00

in⋅flu⋅ence [in-floo-uhns] noun, verb

noun
1. the capacity or power of persons or things to be a compelling force on or produce effects on the actions, behavior, opinions, etc., of others: He used family influence to get the contract.

2. the action or process of producing effects on the actions, behavior, opinions, etc., of another or others: Her mother's influence made her stay.

3. a person or thing that exerts influence: He is an influence for the good.

So many people have influenced me. Some in big ways, some in very small ways. Not all positively. Most of them never set out to have an impact, they just did.

The idea of me setting out to put myself in a position to have an impact on people is strange. Intimidating. It's really a foreign concept to me. I always picture myself as gliding through life without leaving much of a fingerprint.

One person. If I can have an influence on just one person, I'll have accomplished my ultimate goal. That's not too lofty, is it?

Waiting on perfection

2009-12-22T16:08:00.005-06:00

I'm always the one who says "perfect = boring". I don't ever want to be perfect. I'm flawed and I embrace that.

But while I may not be striving for perfection, I am guilty of holding off on some things until I am closer to perfection than not. One of the scary things to me about that is how easy it is for good enough to never be good enough. And I may say I'm not striving for perfection, but there is always more to attain. Constantly working towards a better goal is fine, except when I'm convincing myself life has to be put on hold until that happens.

I would never, ever encourage anybody else to do that. But the clarity I have in seeing the potential in other people sometimes is a cloudy, smudged up lens when I look within myself.

Really, it's just another way to make it easier to stay in my comfort zone. Looks like it's time for a push. No, make that a shove.

Mind games and more mind games...

2009-11-28T11:59:00.002-06:00

I still believe I am completely incapable of doing things I know (and have proven) I am totally capable of doing.

Best examples: Every Sunday is a spin endurance class. The first three Sundays of the month are 90 minutes, the last Sunday of the month is 2 hours. Yes, spin. The very class I told myself I was too fat to try. (And by the standards I was using, I still am. And that was a year ago.) So I've been doing this endurance class most of the last year. And yet, every week I am sure I am not capable of of this class. I somehow manage to push that to the back of my head and just tell myself to try. If I can't finish the class, I can't. But I do. And yet the next week we go through the same thing.

I'm not really sure what's really going on in my head that brings this on every week. I know people look at me and would never assume I take spin, let alone an endurance class. But why do I think that about myself?

Obstacles or Opportunities?

2009-11-21T11:45:00.003-06:00

Today started out pretty well. I had to do a repeat sleep study last night to see if I still had sleep apnea and needed to use a CPAP. Sleep apnea was one of the few concrete manifestations that all that extra weight was hard on my body. I wanted to wait to re-do the sleep study until I had lost "enough" weight. (Feel free to roll your eyes here.) I just didn't want to have to keep doing these studies if, realistically, the fact that I'm still this heavy would likely mean the sleep apnea was still hanging around. But, I gave in to my doctor (this time) and went for the study. Although they can't tell me the official results yet, I am quite certain since they never came in for "part two", where they calibrate what your cpap settings should be, that I no longer need one! (I did get the tech to smile and nod her head at my assumption.)

But then I drove 45 minutes to get to my Weight Watchers meeting. The scale was unkind. Terribly unkind. And not all of it unfairly, I admit. But I took it as a crushing blow. I cried a little bit when my friend got to the meeting. I started to feel the tiniest bit hopeless.

I came home, tearing up off and on. I let myself feel it. Then I gave it a time limit. I can sit around and be mad, sad, full of self doubt, whatever it needed to be. Until time was up.

I believe people, events, situations, etc. are put in our lives on purpose. Nothing is random. I don't think so, anyway.

So the question is, these people, events and situations--they can be pleasant or unpleasant. Either way, we have a choice. We can make them opportunities or obstacles. It's all how we play it.

I'm choosing opportunity.

Sometimes...

2009-11-11T09:40:00.002-06:00

Sometimes you find encouragement and motivation in the least expected places. Or people. For me, it's not that I don't expect people can be encouraging or motivating, it's that I won't let them get in far enough to do it. I did that yesterday with two different people. It was both terrifying and liberating. And to them I say, THANK YOU!

Consider the source....

2009-11-08T09:39:00.002-06:00

So yesterday I had an encounter that, without going into details, was something that could have rocked my confidence, if I'd let it. Basically, somebody came up to me and a friend from work that I was working out with, and asked if I was "new to the gym" and "a beginner". I let that irritate me for about 15 seconds, and then I had to consider the source. She doesn't remember me, and there's a good reason for that.

When other people say random things to me, I have to again consider the source. Do they know anything about me? Most of the time they really don't. I often let those random comments bother me way too much. But I have to consider the source.

But really, the source I have to consider and take to heart the most is me. What am I telling myself? That's really the only source that matters.

Tap Tap Tap...Is this thing on?

2009-11-03T20:43:00.002-06:00

I'm pretty sure at this point I've probably lost most of my followers. But that's okay, because when I started this blog, I never expected anybody to read it in the first place!

Okay, so what's the deal with me, anyway? Where do I start. I'll start by saying that things SEEM to be moving again. Seem to be. I'm cautiously optimistic. I first have to confess that after months and months (AND MONTHS) of a plateau, I started to slip up in the attitude department. I never gave up. EVER. But I started to make more bad choices than I should have, because I started to believe I had no control. But I know that's absolutely not true. Whether that stupid scale moves or not isn't in my control. Everything else is. So I'm back to being accountable. Perfect? No. Accountable? Yes.

This is such a mental process. Things have happened this past year that have rocked my confidence and chipped away at some of the progress I'd made in the self esteem department. It took me a little bit too long and way too much justification of some crappy behavior aimed my direction to come to the realization that it all had an effect on me and in turn, my work at losing weight. It made me want to be invisible again. Well, game over, creep. I've rebounded, and you're still a jerk.

But it just reminds me that I have to believe I'm worth all the effort, and yes, it is a lot of effort, for me to succeed at this.

It occurred to me today that despite my frustration, stall, slips ups, etc, that not once did it ever occur to me that I would not reach my goal. Never. Because I will. I don't know when. And that's okay. I just know I will.

The Dark Post...

2009-05-16T20:48:00.003-05:00

I have been working on this entry for a few days, longer in my head really, but have been dragging my feet with posting it. Because it's scary to put it out there. And believe me, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I think I'm beyond the point of saying I'm losing it. I think I've already lost it. I am consumed with anxiety. And fear. I don't know how to let go of it. Its two things. It's the whole weight loss thing, and another thing, the details of which I wont get into, but its got me wrapped up in knots, produced three anxiety attacks to date, and I feel like there isn't much I can do about it. At least not right now.

The weight loss part of it is all about control, I think. Or not. Im not sure. I don't know how to let go. (Not let go as in give up, let go as in relax the death grip a little bit.) I feel like I should release it, but I'm scared. Because doesn't it make sense that if the exercising and eating that I do now aren't producing the results, I should exercise more and eat less? I mean really, that's how its supposed to work. But now I'm analyzing everything, to the point of over-analyzing. And that leads to more stress.

Except that its not working that way for me. And it's turned into a pretty wicked case of self loathing. Something I had come so, so far on. Something I've struggled with my WHOLE life. And I had come so far with it. And in the course of a few months, I'm back to hating my very existence. And pretty convinced everybody else does, too. Even the people that care.

And the bottom line is, I'm scared. After feeling like I hit rock bottom last week, I called for approval to see a counselor. Hopefully that will happen quickly. I don't even know why I'm posting this.

Reality Check

2009-05-06T22:29:00.003-05:00

I had a reality check (or two or three) today.

After last Saturday's minor meltdown, I asked one of the trainers at my gym if I could meet with her. She isn't one of the trainers I've worked with directly, but she has lost a lot of weight herself, so I thought in addition to her professional expertise, she may have some personal experience with what I'm going through. Not that I expected her to have the magic answer.

And while she has some ideas on what I might do, more importantly she said some things that put a lot of this into perspective for me.

So here are some highlights of what I came away from our conversation with:

--I need to stop downplaying my past success. It does matter. Regardless of what's going on now.

--While getting to a certain size or weight may be a goal, the bigger goal is to be healthy, no matter what size or weight I am.

--To think about, when I start feeling completely consumed by the "tragedy" I've made out of not losing actual pounds these last months, some of the other ladies at our gym. Who are battling cancer. Who have had some really crappy things happen to them. You know, REAL problems. It's okay to be frustrated, but in the grand scheme of things, I think I live a pretty blessed life and have so much more in my life to be thankful for than for those things I have to be depressed about.

And some of the things she said she's felt, I swear if I kept a journal I'd believe she stole it and read it. It helps to know others have been there.

So bottom line, I am going to keep doing what I know. Yes, we're going to be strapping a heart rate monitor to me for two weeks so we can determine if Im eating the right amounts for my activity level, but Im going to continue to make the healthy choices and not be so wrapped up in the emotional crap I've let build up. I have often said to Jessica that I feel like, to some people, my weight loss is the sum total of who I am, and I hate that. HATE IT. And yet, I've let my lack of weight loss recently become the sum total of who I am in my own mind. I have to stop that.

I have to stop worrying about people who don't believe in plateaus, or think I exercise a lot so I can eat boxes of Twinkies. Or that there is only one way to define a fit and healthy person.

I know what I do. I know where I've been. And I know where I'm going.

Just when you thought it was safe....

2009-05-02T13:18:00.003-05:00

So at last Saturdays weigh in, I had a loss and reached an all-time low. That was three weeks in a row of losses (two of them rather small, but they were losses). I was hopeful but not ready to declare the plateau over. (Oh, and I know there are some people who think plateaus aren't real, and its just a question of compliance. Yeah. Right. But I'll leave that conversation for another day and another audience.)
Two weeks ago I added another spin class to my workout schedule. I worked out a lot this week (51APs for you Weight Watchers). I was hopeful. I want so badly for that scale to start moving again.

I went to weigh in this morning. It moved. A big move. The wrong way. W. T. F?

I am hanging on by a thread and its fraying.

But I am going to keep working hard. I have to. And I want to. I just need something to go right.

Here Comes The Sun

2009-04-30T15:51:00.001-05:00

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
And I say it's all right

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
It's all right, it's all right

The end of the chapter...

2009-04-12T17:37:00.005-05:00

Yesterday was rough. Really rough. I honestly can't remember the last time I cried that much. I've been frustrated, but I never let it make me cry. Not like that.

Until yesterday. I'm just going to put this all out here so there is no misconception.

Yesterday was the final check in for a 12 week "Biggest Loser" challenge at my gym. I hesitated even joining the challenge, because it wasn't based on overall weight loss, it was based on body fat lost and muscle gained. Well, in addition to being on a plateau from hell (and now yes we can say its definitely a plateau), in my year and a half of working with personal trainers I've NEVER shown a gain in lean body mass. But, I signed up anyway. Fast forward to about 6 weeks in. Still not losing weight at the scale. Still busting my ass. Still nothing happening. I decided to have my trainer do a body composition analysis, just to see where I stood. I was prepared for it to say I'd lost more lean body mass, just like it always does. But it didnt. It said I GAINED over 6lbs of lean body mass in six weeks. Impressive, right?

Here's the thing. I don't take steroids. I still have enough fat hanging around that to show that kind of gain in lean body mass is just pretty much impossible. And I don't care how much protein I eat. It's just really not. I was shocked, and I doubted it. But I also got excited. Maybe it WAS possible? Maybe? Maybe all my hard work was paying off? Maybe Im really not on a plateau? Maybe I now had some hope to cling to? But always in the back of my head I just knew it couldnt be right. But when I would express that doubt, to people who understand physiology far better than I, I got shot down for doubting myself. So a couple weeks later, on the last day of my training, I asked for another analysis. It showed I gained 2 more pounds in lean body mass. At this point, I let my brain ditch logic completely.
Again, let me just stress how hard it is for a woman to put on that kind of lean mass. But, I was encouraged by the professional to think it was legit.

So yesterday I go in for the analysis. I had expressed doubt in the days before to Jessica, that I needed to prepare myself, just in case. I clearly didn't prepare myself enough. Long story short: I have lost less than a pound of fat in 3 months. I have gained a pound in lean body mass. Ouch. Those two other tests? Wrong. Just wrong. And I was devatasted. Should I be a stronger person than that? Maybe. And I am a strong person. But I was absolutely devastated. And not because I knew there was no way in hell I would place in the top three of the challenge, let alone win it.

No, my devastation came from using the incorrect information as validation to keep at the diet and exercise, when it's been a real struggle to feel like I can do it. When I have felt for months that I've been busting my ass and not getting anywhere. I had hope. And that hope got pulled away, in a matter of seconds. (Okay, maybe minutes when you factor in the analysis was done a second time by one of the other trainers in hopes the first one was wrong.)

Am I angry that that I let myself have hope when I should have known that the probability of my putting on muscle like that was all but non-existent? Yes. Am I angry that the people who ARE PAID to know that the physiological facts make those tests results highly suspicious didnt consider that? Yeah, frankly I am.

But at this point, that's water under the bridge. Water made largely of all the tears I cried yesterday. I lost all hope. I could care less about the challenge. I need to know Im going to be successful and reach my weight loss goals. This months long battle with the scale has left me feeling helpless and pretty close to hopeless sometimes. But I will not give up.

I realize this post will offend somebody. Somebody I care about. I cannot help that. I started this blog as a way to channel my feelings, and this brought out some might strong ones. All I can do is be honest and not malicious about it.

After I left the gym (without working out, because I saw no point in it), Jessica called to see if I was okay (gym staff actually went to drag her out of spin class, to be honest). We met at Starbucks, where I cried for most of the time there. One of the things she said repeatedly was 'please don't let this be a reason for you to stop believing in yourself'. She knew. She knows how tenuously I've been hanging on recently. She knew. She knew that's exactly how I was channeling this disappointment.
She didnt tell me to be strong, she didnt tell me to just look back at all I've accomplished. She KNEW that none of those things mattered to me right then. When all I felt was that I had no hope and no chance of succeeding. Trite was not what I needed to hear. She let me cry. And I did. For most of the day.

So, here I am, a day later. What is in the past is in the past and can't be undone. To dwell on it, for me, would be holding me back rather than pushing forward. I'm going back to basics. But I'm going forward. This is the end of the chapter of self doubt. Will the scale be on board with the plan? Who knows. But it's time to move on.

My brain AND my body are getting a break this week.

2009-04-11T12:08:00.004-05:00

I am mentally exhausted. I am pretty close to physically exhausted. While I did manage to lose the 4+ pounds that hopped on to the scale with me last week, I found out I wasn't kicking ass in the gym like I had thought. Long story, but just know that I had a legitimate reason to believe I was. But, that rug got pulled right out from under me this morning. Thankfully the scale was nice to me, though, because if it hadn't been, I'd probably still be at Krispy Kreme, three hours later.

Here's the deal. I have been working hard. HARD. I wish I could say the results on paper don't matter, but for me they do. But lately the amount of mental energy (read: anxiety) I have been expending on figuring out what's going on with my body is at least equal to, if not in excess of, the energy I've been spending at the gym. With not a lot to show for either one.

Last week, I quite literally sat in my Weight Watchers meeting in tears, debating to myself what I should try next...laxatives or gastric bypass. That is not a joke or an exaggeration. I was thinking that. I just honestly don't understand how I can be working so hard and not getting anywhere.

So, this week I'm going to forego any strength training and stick to cardio. And though I'll be making healthy choices with food, I'm going to do my best not to be worried how every last thing (even the healthy choices) may show on the scale, good or bad. That scares me a little bit, because I'm afraid to NOT be vigilant about it, about all of it. But the mental gymnastics have done nothing but left me exhausted and deflated (and crying in Starbucks for an hour.) And that seems to be leading me back to the negative self talk. And that's not good.

I just don't know what else to do. I'm just completely exhausted.