Monday, February 1, 2010

Fear of Success?

Something I have staunchly refused to consider, until now, is what my final goal should be. I've always skirted around the issue by answering "a healthy BMI." But, now that I'm back to really buckling down and getting to my next intermediate goal, I've started to think about it. Why a specific number? Well, Weight Watchers requires it. And really they want you to set it once you lost 10% of your joining weight. But I wouldn't do it. For me (and probably most people), the thought of saying I have to lose over 200lbs is so incredibly overwhelming that it just seems almost impossible. So I've simply worked in 25lb increments. But once I hit that next milestone, I'm on the home stretch.
So what's the big deal? This is good, right? Well, for one thing, I'm a little bit worried about what the final number really should be. I don't want to be fixated on a number, but I do have to pick one. But how will I know until I get there? I have been fat my entire adult life. Actually, I've been fat pretty much for as long as I can remember. And lest you doubt that, I just saw my 1st Grade picture recently. Yup...fat.
So really, I don't know what is going to be comfortable. Or maintainable without freaking out what that extra piece of lettuce might do. I do NOT want to live like that.

And yeah, since I've been fat (really fat) my entire life, I don't know really what to expect. No, the world isn't going to be drastically different. Or is it? I suspect parts of it might be. Let's face it, the world-at-large is going to look at me differently than they did when I was at my heaviest. And differently than they do now. It's a little bit of a scary thought. And no, I don't think men will be beating down my door anymore than they do now, but that's just going to be a whole different ballgame. As it is now I get more attention, and yet I still refuse to believe it. Why would anybody be interested in ME? LOOK at me. I still see that girl 142lbs ago and pretty much assume everybody else does, too.

And sometimes I look in the mirror and wonder what my face is going to look like. I've only known it one way. What if it's just....wrong?

Just in general, I am a little bit worried that I won't quite know how to live as a normal weight person. That probably sounds really bizarre. Really, the day to day tasks of being cognizant of what I eat, and making exercise a big part of my life isn't going to be different, I do that now. I guess it goes back to the identity issue. Maybe I'm making way too much of this part of it. Maybe it's really not that big a deal. I don't know...I'm not convinced.

I'm also afraid of "it" never being good enough. Okay, so weighing 115lbs is great, but why not 99? I know, that's crazy, but I see people who look A-MA-ZING and think they don't. I don't want to be one of those people!! And it's not that I don't think it will take work to maintain the weight loss, but I don't want to become obsessive about it.

So yeah, the idea of success is a little bit anxiety-inducing for me. But I'm not going to give up because of it. I just have to stay on my toes, right? I think this is one more reason losing weight rapidly is not a great idea. Losing it slowly is giving my brain time to catch up to my body.

1 comment:

  1. I am so happy I found your blog. You are writing about the struggles I am facing right now. I am so close to my 100lb lost and find myself holding back , being scared of reaching that goal.Will I ever see myself as others do. Will I know when enough is enough. Thanks for sharing.