Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Admitting another weakness...

I'm really bad about asking for help. Or for anything I need. HATE IT. It's partly a pride thing, partly a fear of rejection. And while I can't really be angry when my expectations are not met if I never made them clear to the person(s) from whom I'm expecting whatever it is, I can still be disappointed. It's something I do need to work on.

What brings this up is the lack of the word "proud" out of a few very specific folks lately. Namely my parents. All of them. And it's killing me. But I feel if I ask for that, if they tell me they're proud it will just seem insincere and forced. Are they proud of what I've done? Maybe. But they're not saying it. And if you know me, you know that leads my brain in dark, sinister self defeating directions.

Either way, it's further proof that I need to do this for myself, regardless of what anybody else thinks, good or bad.


  1. I understand, completely. I've always wanted that from my dad in general. Considering how alike my father and I are, it's been a battle of wills for ages. You do it, no you do it, no you do it, no you! I use to think everything was a two-way street with him, but keeping score was eating me alive. Just like I am uncomfortable with lots of signs of affection, I learned to accept that in him (and other people). I know that, like you, I'm afraid of rejection and my father grew up in a family with LOADS of rejection. It makes sense that he would be nervous about this, himself. I just decided to give myself without expecting anything at all in return and he ended up surprising me!

    Before the wedding we gathered all the 'rents for dinner at the rehearsal dinner place we were considering. In the middle of the dinner my dad shushed everyone and continued to tell everyone how proud he was of me. Mind you this is the FIRST time ever. He said that it was b/c I waited until I was absolutely sure about marrying Colin - that I didn't hurry to do it at all. It was so unexpected that I didn't even get teary or stammer. I just smiled and said thank you. What I had been waiting on forever! Don't get me wrong - I did tear up, a lot, later on. It was moving but, I guess, since I'd found the pride within myself, what he said was the icing on the cake. I was also so happy that my dad took the "you can do what you want and don't hurry" route. So opposite of everyone else. He continued to make toats and tear up and be so loving and genuine. Our relationship has changed so much. The dad you saw there at my wedding - was shiny, new. Even to me :-)

  2. I'm proud of you ;) I know it's not the same...but thought you should know!