Sunday, September 18, 2011

Sometimes I forget....

Sometimes I forget I'm not the same person I was five years ago. Ten years ago. Or more accurately, I forget that I don't have to be. This year has been rough. This week almost did me in. I let the actions of one person send me running back to the old me. It started with a jar of Nutella and a spoon. A few days later that turned into Xanax and tequila. And a lot of self pity. I didn't want to feel anything. Not the frustration of a year that's been one disappointment or challenge after another. Not the self-loathing for not having accomplished anything this year. Not the constant reminder from the "experts" that I am, as of yet, not a success. Not the anger and hurt over repeatedly being treated so hurtfully and disrespectuflly by somebody I held in high regard. And while I'd love to trade in any one of those things and not HAVE to feel any of it, it's what I have. It is what it is. So, I can go back to the old me. Or not. I can turn all of this into drive and passion to not let anything, anyone, any organization take away from me what I've worked so, so hard for. I'm better than that. My sister in law reminded me of something. "Courage cries, too". I can be sad, and I can be hurt, but I can still be courageous. I can still push on for the things and the people that mean the most to me. And cry if I have to. So she may have taken a few days off, but the badass will be back at 5am tomorrow morning. Do not get in her way.

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