Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Kicking The Fat Girl to the curb, when she doesn't want to go...

I identify myself as a fat person. Well there really isn't much wrong with that considering I'm still fat. But I still struggle with thinking with the same mindset as I did 105lbs ago, when I had no confidence, when I would hated making eye contact with strangers, when I would do anything to become invisible, including get larger and larger and larger. But now I walk taller, I smile A LOT more, and Im becoming more confident. But not all the time. There are certain things that make me revert in my head, right back to that other girl. We have a stable full of doctors at work that I have to consult with on a regular basis. I hate it. I feel like the only thing a doctor EVER sees is fat. No matter that I am not their patient, but I think they are judging me right off because Im fat. And men. I still have myself convinced that there is nobody who would find me attractive, and if they did, it would be because of some fetish I want no part of.
I am not really entirely sure how to kick the fat girl to the curb when she's got her heels dug in rather firmly. I thought it was something that would just take a lot of time.
But then I have had a couple of conversations with Mari, my trainer. Look at her picture (scroll down.) In my mind, I think, how can somebody who looks like that struggle with confidence at times? How is that possible? But Mari has lost a good deal of weight herself, and she's had years of letting go of her old identity, yet she STILL struggles with it. In a way that's comforting (because I know my feelings must be normal) but it also scares me because I think, Im never gonna look like that, so how can I have even a shred of confidence?

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