So yesterday was my fourth session with my new trainer. And I've already cried at her. I guess I'm breaking her in faster than Mari! Actually I cried after the session was well over.
I've been struggling with the garbage in my head again. Boy induced, sorta. For the first time in a very long time, I am interested in having a relationship. And there is a guy who has caught my eye. But he has no idea I exist. I have accepted the challenge to make eye contact and smile at him at the next opportunity. But this whole area brings up all of my insecurities, most of which are about my appearance. WHY would he be interested in ME? I'm still so fat. Oh I can buy new cuter clothes and shoes and do my makeup just right, but there's always the fat.
So I didn't cry about the guy to my trainer, but we were just talking about my insecurities in general and that was enough to make me tear up. Because I don't want to be this person. I want to be confident. I want to show the world how good I really feel now. But it's scary. But as scary as it is, I'm trying to face down my fears. I have to. Fear is what got me into this mess, to a (very) large degree. And I'm tired of being a slave to it.
So after the tears, I decided to go to a new class at the gym, Cardio Funk. Talk about fear. I. Have. No. Rhythym. But I figured since I was feeling so crappy, that would be a most excellent time to push through a fear and try it. And it was fun! It's amazing how laughing at yourself can break a funk. I even felt better today!
Fear keeps us in our comfort zone. But really, is it truly a comfort zone, or a prison?