I am mentally exhausted. I am pretty close to physically exhausted. While I did manage to lose the 4+ pounds that hopped on to the scale with me last week, I found out I wasn't kicking ass in the gym like I had thought. Long story, but just know that I had a legitimate reason to believe I was. But, that rug got pulled right out from under me this morning. Thankfully the scale was nice to me, though, because if it hadn't been, I'd probably still be at Krispy Kreme, three hours later.
Here's the deal. I have been working hard. HARD. I wish I could say the results on paper don't matter, but for me they do. But lately the amount of mental energy (read: anxiety) I have been expending on figuring out what's going on with my body is at least equal to, if not in excess of, the energy I've been spending at the gym. With not a lot to show for either one.
Last week, I quite literally sat in my Weight Watchers meeting in tears, debating to myself what I should try next...laxatives or gastric bypass. That is not a joke or an exaggeration. I was thinking that. I just honestly don't understand how I can be working so hard and not getting anywhere.
So, this week I'm going to forego any strength training and stick to cardio. And though I'll be making healthy choices with food, I'm going to do my best not to be worried how every last thing (even the healthy choices) may show on the scale, good or bad. That scares me a little bit, because I'm afraid to NOT be vigilant about it, about all of it. But the mental gymnastics have done nothing but left me exhausted and deflated (and crying in Starbucks for an hour.) And that seems to be leading me back to the negative self talk. And that's not good.
I just don't know what else to do. I'm just completely exhausted.