I had a reality check (or two or three) today.
After last Saturday's minor meltdown, I asked one of the trainers at my gym if I could meet with her. She isn't one of the trainers I've worked with directly, but she has lost a lot of weight herself, so I thought in addition to her professional expertise, she may have some personal experience with what I'm going through. Not that I expected her to have the magic answer.
And while she has some ideas on what I might do, more importantly she said some things that put a lot of this into perspective for me.
So here are some highlights of what I came away from our conversation with:
--I need to stop downplaying my past success. It does matter. Regardless of what's going on now.
--While getting to a certain size or weight may be a goal, the bigger goal is to be healthy, no matter what size or weight I am.
--To think about, when I start feeling completely consumed by the "tragedy" I've made out of not losing actual pounds these last months, some of the other ladies at our gym. Who are battling cancer. Who have had some really crappy things happen to them. You know, REAL problems. It's okay to be frustrated, but in the grand scheme of things, I think I live a pretty blessed life and have so much more in my life to be thankful for than for those things I have to be depressed about.
And some of the things she said she's felt, I swear if I kept a journal I'd believe she stole it and read it. It helps to know others have been there.
So bottom line, I am going to keep doing what I know. Yes, we're going to be strapping a heart rate monitor to me for two weeks so we can determine if Im eating the right amounts for my activity level, but Im going to continue to make the healthy choices and not be so wrapped up in the emotional crap I've let build up. I have often said to Jessica that I feel like, to some people, my weight loss is the sum total of who I am, and I hate that. HATE IT. And yet, I've let my lack of weight loss recently become the sum total of who I am in my own mind. I have to stop that.
I have to stop worrying about people who don't believe in plateaus, or think I exercise a lot so I can eat boxes of Twinkies. Or that there is only one way to define a fit and healthy person.
I know what I do. I know where I've been. And I know where I'm going.