I have been working on this entry for a few days, longer in my head really, but have been dragging my feet with posting it. Because it's scary to put it out there. And believe me, this is just the tip of the iceberg.
I think I'm beyond the point of saying I'm losing it. I think I've already lost it. I am consumed with anxiety. And fear. I don't know how to let go of it. Its two things. It's the whole weight loss thing, and another thing, the details of which I wont get into, but its got me wrapped up in knots, produced three anxiety attacks to date, and I feel like there isn't much I can do about it. At least not right now.
The weight loss part of it is all about control, I think. Or not. Im not sure. I don't know how to let go. (Not let go as in give up, let go as in relax the death grip a little bit.) I feel like I should release it, but I'm scared. Because doesn't it make sense that if the exercising and eating that I do now aren't producing the results, I should exercise more and eat less? I mean really, that's how its supposed to work. But now I'm analyzing everything, to the point of over-analyzing. And that leads to more stress.
Except that its not working that way for me. And it's turned into a pretty wicked case of self loathing. Something I had come so, so far on. Something I've struggled with my WHOLE life. And I had come so far with it. And in the course of a few months, I'm back to hating my very existence. And pretty convinced everybody else does, too. Even the people that care.
And the bottom line is, I'm scared. After feeling like I hit rock bottom last week, I called for approval to see a counselor. Hopefully that will happen quickly. I don't even know why I'm posting this.