Saturday, May 16, 2009

The Dark Post...

I have been working on this entry for a few days, longer in my head really, but have been dragging my feet with posting it. Because it's scary to put it out there. And believe me, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I think I'm beyond the point of saying I'm losing it. I think I've already lost it. I am consumed with anxiety. And fear. I don't know how to let go of it. Its two things. It's the whole weight loss thing, and another thing, the details of which I wont get into, but its got me wrapped up in knots, produced three anxiety attacks to date, and I feel like there isn't much I can do about it. At least not right now.

The weight loss part of it is all about control, I think. Or not. Im not sure. I don't know how to let go. (Not let go as in give up, let go as in relax the death grip a little bit.) I feel like I should release it, but I'm scared. Because doesn't it make sense that if the exercising and eating that I do now aren't producing the results, I should exercise more and eat less? I mean really, that's how its supposed to work. But now I'm analyzing everything, to the point of over-analyzing. And that leads to more stress.

Except that its not working that way for me. And it's turned into a pretty wicked case of self loathing. Something I had come so, so far on. Something I've struggled with my WHOLE life. And I had come so far with it. And in the course of a few months, I'm back to hating my very existence. And pretty convinced everybody else does, too. Even the people that care.

And the bottom line is, I'm scared. After feeling like I hit rock bottom last week, I called for approval to see a counselor. Hopefully that will happen quickly. I don't even know why I'm posting this.


  1. Oh friend...I can totally relate to your aI am not anxiety. Thank you for this post.

    I don't know what I would do if I stopped getting results. Maybe you should go back to how much better you feel now then you did when you where heavier. If the scales don't say what I want to hear, after I've done all I can do, I just have to say that to myself, but be grateful for just that.

    I hope that doesn't sound to I said I don't know what I would do.

    Don't give up! I'll be anxious to see how you do

  2. Dude, I am there with you, but for different reasons. Sometimes I have very dark thoughts, but I'm paralyzed by fear to even seek help. I think after this abysmal weekend, I may just have to follow in your footsteps and talk to a counselor. You are not alone. I think more people than you know feel this way. At least that's what my friends tell me when I finally talk to them about my feelings. Hang in there, and I will too.

  3. You can do this.

  4. You're posting because it's helping to release. Trust me, I know. Lost it myself last week. Just...lost it. I hope that you'll find some peace and serenity with your counselor. We're all here for you hon...

  5. I will read on when I have more time, but for some reason, I woke up today and climbed that scale and it says the same exact thing it's said for the past 3 weeks!!! Reading your words is making me feel like I am reading my own blog! I am feeling for you and only hope that as I read on to May's entries, things have gotten better for you. Thanks for sharing.

  6. I am a little confused with this blog comments thing....I just went on to read May's entry and came to the same comment I made to a March entry...oh well, I am with you, girl...I feel your pain and frustration, and I will be back to see how you are doing, this weight thing is really playing with us right now, and hopefully we will climb out of it, successfully!! Best to you!

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  8. What anonymous said...very true.
    And you're looks like a duck and walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.