Today was a pretty big day for me. And nobody else would probably understand why.
I flew back home from California today. It's been about 18 months since I'd been back there. But what happened there is another post (perhaps). The first thing I did when I got home was to register for my exam for the personal trainer certification. While I avoided a panic attack, my heart did pound a bit faster for a few minutes. And as soon as that was done, I drove over to the Department of Public Safety to get a new driver's license.
Like I said, I'm pretty sure nobody else would see either of these things as any big deal. But to me, it was very symbolic. Updating my driver's license so the picture actually looks like me felt very much like putting the period on the final sentence in a chapter. A very long chapter. It felt more final than anything else I've done so far. As ready as I am for that chapter to officially come to an end, it does bring about some mixed emotions.
Scheduling the test feels a bit like symbolically starting the new chapter. Although I don't know exactly what the chapter really is. I can't say with any certainty I'll ever be a personal trainer, and that's okay. I've been thinking a lot about that lately. I wish I could march into this with all the confidence everybody (well, most everybody) claims to have in me. I don't. My first hurdle is passing the test. And again, I wish I had the confidence of others, but I don't. I feel rather like a mastless sailboat adrift in a giant ocean. My communication system is disabled, with no way to signal for help. I'm doing everything I can, but I still may end up dead in the water.
And I've decided that's okay. Just because I WANT to be a trainer doesn't mean I WILL be a trainer. Or that I SHOULD be a trainer.
So I picked up the pen to start this chapter, but I don't know what to write. I have to give up the notion that failing the test doesn't mean I've failed at changing my life. I can still do that.