I really don't feel like I have much to say right now. But somebody suggested I just start writing, so here I am.
My last couple of weeks have been frustrating. At the same time I have felt both confident and crushed...victorious and humbled.
I started the Couch to 5K running program, in the hottest part of a Texas Summer. I was ready for a new challenge. I got to the third week and had to stop. Not just running, but literally everything. I don't know if it was the running that caused the problem, I just woke up one day with a really pissed off back. I tried to ignore it. Pissed off backs don't like that very much. So I have been taking it easy. And by easy I mean doing absolutely nothing. Even walking hurts.
So I spent most of the last couple of weeks really down. Finally drove to the gym on Thursday thinking I should just get on the treadmill despite the pain. I sat on the phone in the parking lot, crying to Jessica. I guess I just needed to cry. After I got off the phone, I went into the gym (but purposely left my gym bag in the car). One of the trainers suggested I try walking in the pool. Sounded like a good idea, even though to me it pretty much the antithesis of what a badass would do.
Lesson In Humility Number One: those "pool ladies" are doing the absolute best they can. That makes them badasses. If it's all my back can tolerate for now, then it'll be my scaled down version of badass, too.
I was all set to go this morning, until I pulled out the only two "functional" bathing suits I have. Um...that scary picture in the brown dress a few posts back? One of the suits was purchased for that trip. So it kinda doesn't fit. The other one was even bigger. (Don't ask me why I still have them, I have no rational explanation.)
Lesson in Humility Number Two: I know I'm not anywhere near where I want to be in terms of how I look physically, but when I'm wearing things that accentuate the positive and downplay the negatives, I feel pretty good about myself. Speedo swimsuits do NEITHER of those things. Face to face with myself in the mirror, trying on those bathing suits slapped what tiny bit of confidence I had right out of me. I'm pretty glad right about now that the only people who will potentially see me are those "pool ladies". I'm trying really hard not to be disgusted. It's hard. Really hard. There are some things even plastic surgery can't fix.
So tomorrow, I will swallow whatever pride I have left, and get in that pool.
But someday, maybe not this year after all, I will managed to run a 5K.