Perception is reality.

My Weight Watchers leader encouraged her members to a 10/10/10 challenge. Since I have learned not to put a time frame on losing a specific amount of weight, I decided to go with something else. I actually picked two things. The first was to start the Couch to 5K running program with the goal of completing it by 10/10/10. Thanks to whatever is going on with my back, that's not going to happen.

The second thing was to have worked up the nerve to call the gym owner about getting on staff as a trainer. Back story: I don't see the owner of our gym that often. I had never really talked to her until the day I passed my trainer certification exam. I stopped by the gym to tell one of the trainers I'd passed and the owner was there. I told her an abbreviated version of my "story" and about the test. I told her I wasn't asking her for a job right then, but I would be. She told me to shadow other trainers, gave me permission to practice with my friend, and told me to call her when I felt ready. It gave me hope. That was in July.

But I decided last week that I was as close to ready as I was ever going to feel, so I gave myself a new deadline. I left two messages last week. I learned yesterday that she confirmed receiving them. I haven't heard back. I realize this doesn't with absolute certainty mean she's not interested, but I'm discouraged nonetheless.

At this point, I feel like a fool for getting my hopes up. And let me just say this--I don't care if anybody thinks I shouldn't feel this way. Whether I should or shouldn't doesn't change the fact that I do.

I'm beginning to think that some people, people like me, aren't allowed to have dreams. Or more accurately, I can have them, but I'm not allowed to have them come true. Some people are here to have their dreams come true and other people are here to help them do it. I feel like I'm the latter. I would break my back to help somebody achieve their dream. I just can't have one.