So today was the second day in a week I've cried. At the gym of all places. (I am turning into a big baby!)
So I had a session with my trainer today. Mari, the rock star. So first thing she says is "I have to tell you something. Lets go in my office". I knew it right then. She was leaving. Well she's not leaving entirely, but she's not going to be doing any training, at least for awhile. Somehow in that moment my brain went numb and I forgot to breathe. Okay I didnt start bawling like I did last Saturday at her, but I did tear up. Two or three times. Why? Well for one thing Im sad, I really like her. She's never made me feel like less of a person or not worth her time as a trainer because of my weight.
But a sense of panic went through me. Can I do this on my own? And if I can't, then what do I do? The thought of using one of the other trainers scares me. There are a couple who I feel like they look down their noses at me. Maybe they don't, but I feel like they do. I don't want to feel like somebody thinks Im wasting their time, paid or not. I do the best I can. I work hard (and yes sometimes I gripe about it!) I want to be pushed, but I don't want to be bullied. (If I had a trainer like the two on The Biggest Loser, especially that girl, there would be a throwdown in the gym parking lot. ) What if I start with a new trainer and I can't keep up with what they want me to do? WHAT IF THEY WANT ME TO DO ABS ON THE FLOOR!!!
If I try to do it on my own, will I still make progress? I admittedly do not push myself as hard on days I workout by myself than Mari pushes me. (I don't slack off, but I stay in what I'd describe as a safe mode.) I've got about two more months with Mari. Maybe I need to step it up on my own workouts and see.
So I've thought to myself for awhile now that its been too easy to lose 92 pounds. I haven't faced down a big challenge yet. I guess this will be my first.
And I just have to keep reminding myself, for every excuse I give myself, there is at least one solution.