Friday, June 13, 2008

Did you see that beached whale?

Oh no, that wasn't a beached whale! That was ME!! Doing my ab work on the floor.
I realize most of you are probably scratching your heads and wondering what the big deal is. Well, if you read back through some of my posts, you'll see the idea of doing abs from the floor at the gym has always sent a surge of panic through me. My trainer has asked me to do it but I flat out refused. Why? Get that mental image of a beached whale back in your head. It's not easy for me to get back up off the floor. Well let me rephrase that. It's not that its doesn't hurt or anything. It's just not graceful and terribly embarrassing. A couple of weeks ago my trainer mentioned she would like to get me doing abs on the floor before we parted ways. I blew it off, even though I knew it would mean a lot to her. Then on Tuesday she brought it up again. My exact response was "if my intense public humiliation means that much to you, I'll do it." She backed off that idea.
So Wednesday night I was laying in bed and replayed those words in my head. What was the issue? That I cared too much about what others were thinking. But wait, I don't think anybody pays an ounce of attention to me in the gym. So really I was holding myself back due to an irrational fear. Well that is no longer acceptable to me. Rational fears I can respect. Not irrational ones.
And what about all that bravado about dares? About having the guts to face down your fears? I lay there thinking if I let this fear hold me back, I was really just a big fraud and should shut down this blog altogether. Then I thought about Carl Edward's abs and fell asleep. With a big smile! But I digress...

So Thursday right as soon as my trainer and I got started, I put it out there. I was doing abs from the floor. Honestly I'm not sure she entirely believed me until I actually got my fat butt on the floor! And after it was over, I got up, ungracefully. And nobody laughed. Nobody was pointing and snickering. That I saw. And even if they were, I didn't care. I had the courage to face down my fear. As small as an achievement as it was, I was on cloud nine.

Gaining confidence in myself has truly been the hardest thing for me on this journey to a new life. I have very little now, but I have more than I had yesterday.

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