Thursday, July 17, 2008

My mother always told me not to talk to strangers...

And maybe I took that just a little too literally.
I have very little self confidence. Still. I was the girl who would automatically look down when a stranger approached. And not just true strangers. People in the office I see and don't know, I would just look down. I always hid behind the excuse that I was shy. But you know, although I AM a little shy (only at first, then look out) it really is more a question of not wanting people to see me. Yes, I was 348lbs doing my best to be invisible. I know a few of you get that. But now I don't want to be invisible. I'm certainly not trying to seek out attention, but I don't want to hide inside myself anymore.

So, I'm pushing myself. We can blame this on Mari and Karen, my trainers. They have shown me that I CAN push myself to do things I never thought I could in the gym. But why does it have to stop there? And why can we not still blame them for the things I push myself on outside the gym? :)

For me, the first step in pushing myself is recognizing what my actual fear is.
As far as interacting with people goes, its the fear of rejection. And not romantically, either. Just in general. Men, women, everybody. I think its natural that we want everybody to like us. But the more I think about it, so what if they don't? In all honesty, I don't like everybody I meet. So for me to expect everybody to like me is a bit absurd, don't you think?

So, I am trying to push myself to make eye contact with people. I have gotten fairly good at that, though I noticed I am not the only person who avoids eye contact. Lots of people do. But I intend to make it hard for them to get away with it! The next step is actually speaking! Just a simple hello or good morning. I know this may sound silly but it's so hard for me! But Im pushing!

My precious nephews are in town visiting this week. In a little bit we'll be leaving to go to a water park. Last year when they came, I stayed in the hotel room all day. Not this year. I'm pushing through my fear of people laughing. (And honestly, owning up to the fact that nobody really gives a crap about me and what I wear!)

Then tomorrow we'll be doing a zip line canopy tour, complete with suspension bridges. I am petrified of thinks that aren't stable. (I even have to hold on the bars on the treadmill!) In fact, if you scroll down several posts to my life list you'll see I've got conquering the Capilano Suspension bridge on there. I couldn't do it before. I was petrified. Granted the suspension bridges on this tour aren't nearly as high or long as the Capilano, they scare me. But I'm going to do it.

And again, this is identifying the fear. What Im afraid of? Falling? Honestly the idea of falling and breaking half the bones in my body is much less daunting than the idea of trying to talk to a stranger and getting a brush off or rude response. Seriously!

But living in fear is not living. I want to live.


  1. Wow, fantastic! What a revelation you had. Really, life is too short for people that don't like you, but definitely, don't close yourself off from people that may absolutely love you! Great job!

    Good luck on the zip line, and congrats on the blood pressure victory!

  2. Have fun on the zip line too. That's something I wouldn't do but not out of fear of my weight but fear that I'll rupture the herniated disk in my back.

    It's weird huh how when you're bigger you don't want to be seen then as you loose you want to be seen but have no clue how to go about it. I've begun to realize I probably look like a pissed off person all of the time. I should really try to look nicer but I don't know. I'm so used to being hurt by people I'm not sure I want to let anyone in. I'm glad you're ready to take that chance. I'm pretty sure that even if I get to my goal weight that will always be a problem for me.