So after having an emotional few days, I showed up for a rare Saturday personal training session. Before the session, my trainer did a body composition analysis, because I hadn't done one in three months. Wanted to see my progress. I even mentioned to my trainer, the lovely Karen, that today probably wasn't the best day to do it, because if it wasn't good, I might just lose it. (Editor's Note: Karen will not be referred to as evil in this post. Even if she tried to make me do non-sissy girl style push ups...) Nice attitude, right?
Well, she handed me the printout, and although my body fat percentage is down, and my lean body mass is a little down (which is totally normal despite the fact that I actually have more muscle now (for reasons I can explain if you care to know), one thing on that piece of paper just effectively kicked me in the gutt. There it was on paper. In the last 4 months, I've lost 13lbs. Just 13lbs. And I'm working harder than I have in my life. That is not an exaggeration. Just 13lbs. I had already been feeling like crap about myself, and that just sealed the deal for me. I started to cry, right there in the gym. One of the other trainers who was helping out mentioned the "P Word". Plateau. I had not considered that perhaps that's what I have been dealing with. And I really don't know for sure if I am. If so, all I can really do is just keep plugging away as best I know how. If not, all I can really do is just keep plugging away as best I know how.
My trainer Karen said "Are you ready to step it up a notch?" At that point I really wanted to bawl. I didn't, but I felt like I wanted to. Here is my current gym schedule:
Monday-1 hour aerobics class
Tuesday-30 minutes with my trainer, 50 minute Spin class, and usually minimum 30 minutes of elliptical or other cardio.
Wednesday-off day but allegedly will be adding a one hour kickboxing cardio class.
Thursday 30 minutes elliptical, 30 minutes with the trainer, and 1 hour aerobics class
Friday 30-45 minutes of cardio
Saturday 30-45 minutes weight training, 30 minutes of cardio and/or 1 hour aerobics class
Sunday-was doing 30-45 minutes cardio, now switching that to a 90 minute Spin class.
When I hear 'kick it up a notch' the first thing that comes to mind is, how much more do you expect my fat ass to do? Yeah, I could conceivably spend more time at the gym. But does that schedule look like I slack off now? I KNOW Karen doesn't think I do. I know that. But my brain translates it into "people think you're fat and lazy and don't work hard enough." People tell me to workout more all the time. People who don't know my workout routine, primarily. There is a lady at work who routinely tells me to workout more. She's maybe 100lbs soaking wet. And HER exercise schedule is to walk her dog every day for 30 minutes. It infuriates me when she tells me to workout more. Because despite the fact she's skinny and I'm fat, I'm pretty sure my endurance would put her to shame and I'm positive Im stronger than she is in terms of muscle strength. But people continue to assume. And I guess I continue to let them.
So the scale hasn't moved much. But I have to give myself credit here. Look at the workout schedule. Aside from my inspiration Jessica, I work out more than pretty much everybody else I know who isn't employed in the fitness industry. Its really habit now. I insisted on getting in exercise while on vacation. That counts for a lot. To me it does.
And I haven't just thrown in the towel during all my frustration. I keep working at it. I'm pretty proud of that, too.
And yeah, the scale isn't moving much, but my body is changing, clothes are getting big, etc.
So despite the scale, despite that number being the bottom line for so many people, I am not a failure or a slacker. I'm just not.