As I was waiting to get my hair cut today, I started thinking about something that I really haven't thought much about. How Im treated now as an obese person, and how that will be different when I'm not. Or will it really be different? It all started when somebody walked in to the salon and turned and looked at me as she walked past. I dectect 'that look'. If you're heavy like me, I think you know what I'm talking about. If you've never been super overweight, I'm guessing you don't. I instantly thought to myself "she's judging me because Im fat." But was she? Was she judging my hair color? Was she really giving no consideration to my presence at all and I just perceived a look that wasn't really there? I don't know, I didn't ask her.
But Im conditioned, from all my years of ridicule and stares, to think that people are looking at me (and whether they give me 'the look' or not, they're judging me about my weight and extrapolating who they think I am as a person from what they see in one quick glance. And it makes me defensive. I automatically assume people don't like me. It keeps me from doing things. I want to find a local church but I keep telling myself I have to be less than 'x' amount of pounds to do it. (And don't even tell me its silly to think you'll be judged over your weight at church. It has happened to me.)
Am I selling others short?
I don't know how to let my guard down on this. When I get to goal weight, even if I weighed 99lbs, how do I undo all these years of thinking people think Im gross and fat and have no redeeming value?
And what about people who I currently know, who aren't strangers, who don't give me the time of day now. What if they do the smaller I become? I don't want to be rude, but if they don't like me know, why should I like them?
I am coming up an a huge milestone, which I have a legitimate shot at reaching at this week's weigh in. I have noticed over the past week as that as set in, I have been thinking a lot more about these kinds of things. Will I know how to live my life as a thinner person? Am I overthinking this (like I tend to overthink everything else?)